The Times - UK (2022-06-11)

the times | Saturday June 11 2022 39

News

It’s been a busy week for

Sir Graham Brady, far left,

Paddington Bear and

Jeremy Hunt

couldn’t afford them anyway, and

wouldn’t be on benefits if they could.”

“So your problem is that although it

sounds good it won’t actually work?”

says Boris.

“Yes,” I say.

“So nothing important then,” says

Boris.

Priti Patel Starting to worry the

Rwanda thing won’t work, either.

We’re stuck in the High Court.

“Your mistake,” says the PM, “was

actually doing it. Rather than just

announcing it.”

“With a rap,” agrees Nadine.

Michael Gove Meanwhile, I am

backing this proposal to increase the

smoking age by one year, every year,

for ever. And yes, I know it sounds

complicated. But just think about

what happens, already, with the age at

which people start voting

Conservative.

Alok Sharma Also, I am thinking

about leaving the Conservative Party

to go and be the UN’s climate chief.

Because we’re on borrowed time, and

the apocalypse looms, and future

generations will look back in horror

at all of our stupid mistakes. And even

climate change isn’t nearly so bleak as

that.

Friday

Prince Charles Actually, not Noddy.

Think of the headlines.

Boris Johnson “Look,” I tell cabinet,

“I know some people want a reshuffle.

But I’m not keen. Because can

anybody honestly think of a single

person sitting around this table who

we’d be better off without?”

“Is that a trick question?” asks

Michael Gove.

Queen Elizabeth II We have been

watching all the stuff we missed, on

catch-up. Was that really Kate Moss

on a bus?

Sir Graham Brady Now I need to

write a letter to tell all the people who

have already written letters when

they are allowed to next write a letter.

Because you can only do it once a

year. Like Christmas cards.

Boris Johnson Can’t believe I’m still

here, actually.

Paddington Bear Me, neither. Thank

God for the High Court. Thought I’d

be in Kigali by now.

*according to Hugo Rifkind

Dominic Raab I quite agree that the

PM shouldn’t resign. How would it

help? There are simply no other

credible senior figures in the

Conservative Party. And no, I can’t

quite believe I just said that out loud

on the television, either.

Boris Johnson In cabinet.

Demanding policies. Literally don’t

care what they are. Could be any old

balls, so long as we can announce

them. Ideally either through one of

Grant’s utterly peculiar videos, or

another of Nadine’s mad TikTok raps.

Sajid Javid Keen to help, I am

explaining that the NHS needs vital

reform. Because it is a Blockbuster

service in the age of Netflix.

“I don’t understand,” says Jacob

Rees-Mogg.

“It’s an online streaming service

that has replaced videos,” I explain.

Jacob stares at me.

“They were cassettes that played

telly,” I explain.

Jacob keeps staring at me.

“It’s like the wireless,” I say. “But

with pictures.”

Thursday

Prince Charles Blasted bear not

returning calls. Desperately hunting

for another beloved children’s fiction

icon to have tea with, so as to win

over public. Maybe Noddy?

Lisa Nandy I am on television

attacking the government over the

looming rail strikes.

And I have pointed out that we are

entirely on the striking workers’ side.

But we are also on the public’s side.

Because there are two sides. And we

are on both of them.

Sir Keir Starmer I agree with Lisa.

But also, and this is crucial, I don’t.

Rishi Sunak “Look, boss,” I say to the

PM, “I know you want policies.

But there are some problems

with your big housing

announcement for people on

benefits.”

“Drat,” says Boris.

“For one thing,” I say, “we can’t

afford it. And for another

thing, we don’t actually own

all the homes we’re planning

on selling. And for a third

thing, people on benefits

Most other cabinet ministers What

he said.

Nadine Dorries Actually the MPs

who voted against him are all

Remainers and the sooner they lose

their seats the better and what do you

mean that’s an insane thing for me to

say, which side are you on?

Douglas Ross No, I don’t think the

opposite of what I used to think. I

think the opposite of the opposite of

the opposite.

Allies of the PM Now he needs to fill

his government with people who

didn’t vote for him.

Also allies of the PM But he also

needs to purge his government of

people who didn’t vote for him.

Allies of the PM, again Look, it’s

cakeism.

Bob Seely I have been explaining to

journalists that it is an outrageous

slur to suggest that I backed the PM

in exchange for more funding for the

Isle of Wight.

Also Bob Seely Unrelatedly, I’m

looking forward to our new spaceport.

Boris Johnson So now I’m speaking

to MPs and explaining the drama is

over. And it is time to focus on

policies.

“Hooray!” say slightly over half of

them.

“So,” I add, “can anybody think of

any?”

Wednesday

Prince Harry Back in Los Angeles

now. Didn’t really want to see the

family, but I’m pretty annoyed we

missed Paddington. Never met him.

Although I think Meghan invited him

to our wedding.

Our Week

Everybody*

Monday

Paddington Bear It was a great
honour for this little immigrant bear
to have tea with Her Majesty. But I
was hoping to get to jump out of a
helicopter.

Duke of York Felt a bit left out
watching it all on television. So this
morning I’m popping around to see
Mummy.

Duke of York Oh wait, I’ve got Covid.
Forgot.

Jesse Norman I have written a letter
to announce that I have written a
letter.

Sir Graham Brady Actually that’s
enough letters now. Sorry. I wasn’t
counting the ones in green ink.

Boris Johnson Action stations, folks!
Confidence vote tonight! We need big
names to get out there and defend
me.

Nadine Dorries Personally I think
anybody who votes against the PM is
a dirty traitor who should be thrown
down a well.

Boris Johnson Wait, not her.

Priti Patel Can’t help. Too busy. Bit of
a issue with Rwanda.

Michael Fabricant And I am washing
my hair. Or rather, I was. But now it’s
in the dryer.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Relax, prime
minister. I can handle this with more
decorum.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Jesse Norman
smells of wee.

Jeremy Hunt It is with great
reluctance that I must finally say
exactly what I’ve already been saying
for about three years.

Nadine Dorries The thing is,
Jeremy’s party caused the pandemic

and none of them should ever work

again.

Jeremy Hunt She’s amazing.

Nadine Dorries Thank you.

Cabinet sources The PM is fine so

long as there are no more than 100

rebels.

Cabinet sources Wait, we meant 130

rebels. No, 150.

Boris Johnson Ahead of the

confidence vote, I have told the party

that we must avoid getting into some

hellish Groundhog Day situation

which bogs us down for ever.

Boris Johnson Which means I need

to win. Not lose. In case that wasn’t

clear.

Tuesday

Queen Elizabeth II Actually we

enjoyed meeting the bear

enormously. We would have met him

years ago. But Philly would have shot

him.

Jacob Rees-Mogg The prime minister

has won an overwhelming victory.

But we are a democracy, so a victory

of only one would also have been fine.

Or of even less than one. A fraction

of 1 per cent of one single MP. In fact,

if all the MPs were in a barrel, and all

we had was the last desperate

scrapings from the bottom?

Perfectly acceptable.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Yes but the

situation with Theresa May was

completely different.

Nadhim Zahawi The

PM has won

handsomely and

nothing has changed

whatsoever except

for the final

withering away of

the last fragment of

my self-respect and

soul.