The Times Magazine 15POST-COVID LYING
Covid has become the excuse that keeps on
giving. Of course, a lot of people wouldn’t dream
of falsely using the Covid excuse, but many
people would. Pre-Covid, the last-minute
cancellation was a social taboo. Now it’s a
shruggable offence. Here are the top Covid lies:
Still testing positive after ten days!
Jack has come back from uni with
Covid, so...
We can’t risk catching Covid – got John’s
parents coming to stay.
Think the dog’s got Covid.
Can’t catch Covid before my hip operation
(in August).
She was definitely heading for a first,
then she got Covid.
He didn’t get the job because he was
getting Covid.
Note: if the Whatsits are now not coming
to your party because they’ve got Covid,
there is still a chance they are telling the
truth (but keep an eye on their Instagram).
SOME LIES WE ALL TELL OURSELVES
- I must have eaten something dodgy last
night. (Or was it the third espresso martini?) - I have a slow metabolism. (Or is it
the buns?) - I can’t drink any wine over 12 per cent. (Or
could you maybe drink less than a bottle?) - He’s a type A personality/alpha male,
so that’s why... (Or is he just maybe a bit
of an arsehole?) - I bought two pairs because they were in
the one-day-only sale. (Were they?) - It was mutual... We both got bored. (Hmm.)
- He’s shy. (Or just rude?)
- She’s tired. (Or just spoilt?)
- I can’t remember where I got it. (The
insanely expensive shop.) - I’ve always wanted a green kitchen. (We
saw the Whatsits and copied it, but now have
forgotten that part.) - I was at Knebworth. (I think. Feels like
I was.)
NEW IN: SELF-CARE LIES
To be fair to us, there is a positive self-
preservation element at work here. We’re
all more aware of our health, we have given
ourselves permission to put ourselves first when
necessary, and sometimes that means... lying.
- I think we’re away. (Not sure, but can’t face
the drive.)
* I couldn’t eat another thing. (Could, but
not this.)
* We need to get back. I’ve got an early start.
(Normal start – we’ve just run out of steam.)
* I might be working. (I need to see how
I feel on the day.)
* We’ve got to get back to the dogs.
(Can’t face your beds.)
* Come to us, we insist. (Can’t risk not
getting fed until 10pm.)
* I can’t eat garlic. (Can, but not in your
mussels and mushroom soup.)THINGS YOU’RE NOW EXPECTED TO LIE ABOUT
(No one respects you for it, but they won’t stone
you either)
Plastic surgery.
Botox (all injectables).
Hair dyeing (mainly men).
Hair transplants.
How much you drink.. (Doctors automatically
double your estimate and then add a bit, so
probably best to keep lying.)
How much you spent on the dress. (You say
£185... True price, £350.)
How much assistance you get in the garden.
How much you are doing/have done for the
Ukrainian effort.
Your age, precisely. (Especially women.)
The first record you bought. (Always
supercool, never Neil Sedaka/Steps.)THINGS YOU USED TO LIE ABOUT
AND DON’T/CAN’T ANY MOREHow much your house sold for. (It’s online.)
How much your shoes cost. (It’s online.)
How much your sofa cost. (It’s online.)
You’re late because you got lost. (But you
have Google Maps.)
Your age, if you’re in the public eye. (It’s
on Wikipedia.)
You didn’t see the message. (We can see you
did, at 10am.)
Can’t ring later, I won’t have a signal. (Have
you heard of WhatsApp?)
How much exercise you take. (They’ll quiz
you about your moves.)
I left it on the doorstep. (Not according to the
door cam.)THINGS WE WANT PEOPLE TO LIE ABOUT
How we behaved last night. (No, you
were funny.)
The food. (Delicious, not dry at all.)
The speech. (No, you were funny.)
What we were like at school.What we were like as a boss.
What we were like as a parent.
How much fun our partner’s ex was.
How much fun our partner’s first
wedding was.
How great the place was that we recommended.
How long the dog has got.OTHER STRATEGIES TO EMPLOY IF
YOUR LIES ARE EXPOSEDDenial is popular (“It didn’t happen”) or failing
that, reframing (“It’s not what you think”).
If you haven’t got the nerve to take either of
these lines, you might want to try one of the
following acceptable options:
* Use the health excuse. (I may have
addiction issues.)
* Use the greater good excuse. (Dominic
Cummings heading to Barnard Castle.)
* Use the “I was just joking” excuse.
(Rebekah Vardy when rumbled for having
asked her agent to leak a story.)
* Use the “misremembered” excuse (see
Meghan Markle misremembering having
briefed the authors of the biography she
claimed not to have co-operated with).
* Use the actual memory loss excuse.
* Blame the prescription meds.WHAT TO DO IF YOU CATCH SOMEONE LYING
Say, “Recollections may differ.”
Change the locks.REALLY IRRITATING EVERYDAY LIES
Oh, this? Can’t remember where I got it. (Yes,
you can. It was Zara last week.)
We tried to deliver your package but you were
out. (Not standing at the door, you mean.)
I think we might be going into a tunnel.
I’m not drinking this week.
I don’t remember saying that.THE LIES THAT PUT US ON THE PATH TO
WHERE WE ARE NOW (SOME OF THEM)“There was no impropriety whatsoever
in my acquaintanceship with Miss Keeler.”
(John Profumo)
“There will be no whitewash at the White
House.” (Richard Nixon)
“I did not have sexual relations with that
woman.” (Bill Clinton during Lewinskygate)
“The big lie.” (Donald Trump’s claim that a
conspiracy robbed him of a second term)
“All guidance was followed completely in
No 10.” (Boris Johnson) nReally irritating everyday lies: ‘I’m not drinking this week’