E6 PG EE THE WASHINGTON POST.SUNDAY, JUNE 12 , 2022
in front of six people and said,
“When are you expecting to
deliver?” I called her on this later
to point out that she
embarrassed the man, who had
said something to me. She pooh-
poohed it and said he thought it
was funny.
Am I being too sensitive? I was
offended by her remarks. She is
always fasting to stay thin.
— Feeling Fat-Shamed and
GaslightedFeeling Fat-Shamed and
Gaslighted: You feel fat-shamed
and gaslighted because she’s fat-
shaming and gaslighting you.
And she’s putting her own
acutely dysfunctional
relationship with food on full
display for all to see — so you also
have the option of feeling pity for
her. Up to you.
But whoever messed up her
body image did a masterful,
intimacy-killing job of it.
You have options regardless.
You can decide someone who
says these things has no place in
your circle of friends — because
there’s nothing “passive” about
her social aggression and no
“under” to her nasty tone and
because we owe no one our
discretionary time who isn’t good
to us and others. Not another
minute.
You can also decide you like or
love or feel beholden to her for a
lot of other reasons that are
unrelated to her body issues —
and you’re ready to accept this
weirdly specific hostility as more
an expression of her self-loathing
than anything else. In that case,
have responses handy to deflect
and redirect. “Nope, I won’t do
this with you. Next topic.”
You can also square up and
draw your line: “You’re my friend,
but the way you talk about
weight is cruel. I am walking
away now.” As you, obviously,
walk away.
Or you can try the 180: “When
you lash out, what I hear is
someone really struggling with
food and weight and body image.
If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”
Since she can boomerang that
back on you hard, be assured that
Option 1 is ready whenever you
are.Write to Carolyn Hax at
[email protected]. Get her
column delivered to your inbox each
morning at wapo.st/gethax. Join the discussion live at noon
Fridays at washingtonpost.com/live-
chats.best help without alienating her?
— Concerned ParentConcerned : As w ith s ome other
diseases, e ating disorders can
flare — even many years a fter
successful treatment. S tress is a
definite risk f actor, and c an lead
to a relapse.
Understand a basic truth: We
all become m ost defensive when
confronted with our deepest
vulnerabilities.
Your daughter is a n adult. S he
is ultimately r esponsible for
managing her h ealth.
Her eating disorder can be
considered a chronic disease. If
she h ad an autoimmune disease
(also t riggered b y stress), you
would want t o prompt h er to take
care of h er health.
Expressing your c oncern i n a
loving way might t rigger a
defensive reaction.
And yet — you are her mother,
and i f you are brave enough to
talk to her, you will b e
demonstrating that you care, t hat
you a re on her s ide, that y ou see
her e ating disorder a s an i llness
and n ot a character flaw, a nd that
you a re available f or help i f she
needs it.
The National Eating Disorders
Association offers helpful a dvice
for f amilies.Amy's column appears seven days a
week at washingtonpost.com/advice.
Write to [email protected] or
Amy Dickinson, P. O. Box 194, Freeville,
N.Y. 13068. You can also follow her
@askingamy.© 2 022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by
Tr ibune Content AgencyHi, Carolyn!
After I had my
son, I left teaching
to be home with
him. He’s now 6
and I’m getting
the itch to go
back.
The problem is
that it would be a
seismic shift in our lives. My
husband works long hours and
isn’t home for dinner during the
week. He didn’t travel for work
during the pandemic but that is
picking up again.
I love staying home with our
son. Now that’s he’s returned to
school, my days are kind of quiet,
which I enjoy, but sometimes it
gets lonely. If I went back to
work, he would have to spend
time in aftercare and he is a real
homebody. My husband supports
my return to teaching but also
reminded me that it would
essentially be a hobby. My ego is
feeling pretty hurt right now.
— Feeling Lost at HomeFeeling Lost at Home: Te ach, a
hobby? What stunningly
contemptuous thing to say. Wow.
I’m sorry.
If that was somehow his way of
saying that you would be
working only to pay for your son’s
care, then I’ll put my head backIf teaching’sa hobby, so iscondescensionCarolyn
HaxDear Amy : My
daughter is 33,
living on her own,
thriving in her
career, and i n most
aspects doing very
well. S he l ives in a different city, s o
I only see her s everal times a year.
We t alk o n the p hone often.
When she was a teenager, she
had an eating disorder (anorexia).
We i ntervened and took her to an
expert therapist who worked with
her for two years. She developed
many tools to deal with her
disordered eating.
Stress is a trigger and can send
her into anxiety disorder behaviors.
She is currently trying to
relocate to another state, and I am
concerned (mostly from h er social
media posts) that she may be
dealing w ith disordered e ating
habits again. She l ooks very thin.
Her brother told m e that he is
very concerned, but he doesn’t f eel
she would be open to any concerns/
suggestions he may have. She is
ultrasensitive when I question
anything about her eating.
When she was i n therapy her
therapist had told the f amily
members that w e needed t o let
her m ake her own choices about
food — to put h er in c ontrol.
I fear she’s d ealing with her
current stress in a w ay t hat is
unhealthy. How do you suggest I
W orried about
daughter’s
eating disorder
Ask Amy
AMY
DICKINSON
— so people do get paid for it.
Yeah.
But if you want to do this for
you, then, great — getting paid
for it makes it at least revenue-
neutral for your family. Which is
not the same thing as a freaking
hobby.
This would be true of any work
that fulfills you, no higher
purpose necessary.
And if you’re uncomfortable
with the aftercare, or if your son
is, then consider home care after
school, like a nanny share, or a
job that allows you to finish
when he does (more/most of the
time), or choosing a program
that he loves, or or or. There are
choices. There are variations.
There are possibilities to explore
in follow-up conversations with
your husband. There are no
reasons to let the word “hobby”
stand.Dear Carolyn: A friend who has
a history of making passive
aggressive remarks with a nasty
undertone recently told me
gleefully how she had seen two
overweight women walking in
their bathing suits at the beach
several years ago, and thought
how she would never expose
herself like that. “Oh, and guess
what, it was you and Susie!”
When I said she was fat-
shaming, she protested that it
was a compliment.
She had, the year before,
patted the belly of a (male) friendon and try to work with that.
Because I do see the issue in that.
Except, no, I don’t: Work isn’t
just about money, and a career
like teaching is one of the
ultimate examples of that. It’s a
paycheck for work but also for
being part of a community,
shaping the future, satisfying our
ache for purpose, and
experiencing the joy of seeing the
world through a child’s eyes.
It’s also specialized,
exhausting, sometimes
demoralizing work — and, may
all the deities help us, even lethalNICK GALIFIANAKIS/ILLUSTRATION FOR THE WASHINGTON POSTMIKE DU JOUR B Y MIKE LESTER(240) 335-7017
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