COMMENT
I
f you’ve ordered a new boat, she’ll
require a name. But what? At the very
least it must surely have some sort of
meaning for you personally. Boats
are not usually given male names,
so for the male owner, the chosen name
may perhaps say something about the
women in his life, for example his wife
or mother; the new girlfriend might be
unwise for the longer term.
Having said all that, female owners
could, I suppose, try George or Fred. Or
the name maybe gives a clue to your
favourite place, like Iona, but not I imagine
Scilly (see No joke, below). Or to your own
character – Grumpy I like. The decision
requires time, reflection and debate with
family and friends. If you need help, here
are some tips:No joke
Do not, repeat not, make a joke out of the
name. It may be funny once, or even
twice, but after that it becomes a bit
tedious... like Rogue Trader, presumably
belonging to a dodgy investment banker,What’s in a name?
Charles Warlow explores the do’s, don’ts and
semantic pitfalls of christening a new boat
or Lump Sum for those who still have a
pension worth collecting. Breaking Wind is
plain rude – imagine saying that over the
VHF when you want the coastguard to
take you seriously! Aquaholic is
another rather silly joke, but very
commonly seen.
Puns are just as bad. We
seem to be awash with
them: Why Knot, Bee Cool,
Broke Aweigh, Happy Ours,
White Night or is it Knight?
There’s Clew Less, Nauty
and – another banker’s joke- A-Crewed Interest. Clearly
puns have several spellings, which
can be very confusing (see below).
Short and sweet
Names must not be too long. Imagine
spelling out Three Sheets to the Wind in
an emergency.Say, again?
You must be able to pronounce the name
clearly over the VHF. Starkle is very likely tobe misheard as Sparkle, Kippa as Kipper. In
Scotland, Gaelic names are popular, such
as like Eilean (island) or Tràigh (beach) or
Mòr (big) this or that. But because only
about 1% of the Scottish population speak
Gaelic, and those that do argue over
pronunciation as well as spelling, this is
maybe not such a good idea.Phallic phonetics
You must be able to spell the name
phonetically over the VHF, so again Gaelic
is not wise. Recently the people on the
Island of Bute were embarrassed to
discover that due to an unfortunate error
the sign on their pier welcoming visitors to
Eilean Bhoid did nothing of the sort, it
welcomed people to the Island of Penis.
They had omitted a crucial accent – it
should have been Bhòid.Spell it like you mean it
Avoid names with multiple spellings like
Cathie or is it Kathy or even Cathy? And
Catriona or is it Katrina? Extasie is bound
to be misspelt as the much more common
Ecstasy. In an emergency you will want
the coastguard to know exactly who you
are, no messing about.Enough of that nonsense
Names which seem nonsensical may
confuse, even irritate. For example, Sea
Ptarmigan. Ptarmigans do not go to sea,
at least not in the UK where they live
several thousand feet up Scottish
mountains. Another nonsense would be
calling a red-hulled boat Daffodil or
Tormentil. And what are we supposed to
make of Cos ‘A’ Kin Too?Not funny, not clever
Don’t make silly mistakes while
trying to be clever. Carpé
Diem does not have an
acute accent. Meaning
‘Seize the day’ It is Latin,
not French.
Avoid names that are
incredibly common. I once
had a boat called Calypso.
How many of those are out
there, I wonder?
Apologies if I have offended any
owners whose boat names I have
mentioned (none of them are made up!).
To make amends I had better fess up to
the name of my own boat. I thought Pickle
was pretty straightforward but even that
has been misheard as Pickles on
occasion. No name is perfect, but once it
is emblazoned on the transom there’s
no going back.‘You must be able
to spell the name
phonetically
over the VHF’
“Hold on... what happened to Unsinkable I?”A real name
on a real RIBthemarinelab.com