I
hate jetskis! There, I said it. I can feel the
hackles rising from here, so I’ll qualify that.
Yes of course, there are jetskiers that ride
responsibly. And if that’s you, I applaud
you. The problem is that it’s a bit like having a neck
tattoo of Tyrone and Chardonnay’s names and
dates of birth. You might be the chairman of Coutts, but you’re
still going to be judged for it. And as ever, it’s never the
responsible ones we remember. It’s the others. All those others...
Most jetskiers seem to crave attention. It’s why, when presented
with unlimited ocean, they like to race up and down the shoreline
where they can be admired by their captive audience. Up and
down and up and down, making that dreadful jetski drone. If this
is you – here’s a top tip. No one cares. So on behalf of that
audience, please accept our collective and heartfelt ‘sod off!’
You’d think that jetskis run from proper boats might be a little
more responsible, but how many times have you seen them
ripping through anchorages at warp speed? We were off
Broadsands beach, well inside the clearly marked low speed zone
(bright yellow buoys with 5 KNOTS emblazoned on them).
Another boat had a dreaded jetski and the main activity was to
rip through the anchorage, blast out to sea in a straight line then
turn around and blast back, speed unchecked, to the mothership.
Eventually I managed to attract the rider’s attention and have ‘a
quiet word’. He didn’t do it again...
And why so very fast? The fastest clock 70mph! What’s so great
about doing 70mph over, say, 40mph apart from even fl atter
testicles? It’s not like they’re ever going anywhere – two
miles in one direction, turn round, two miles back. Rinse
and repeat. And what’s with the stupid rooster-tail jet of
water? It’s a cooling water telltale apparently, but it’s
behind the rider where he can’t see it – far better if it was aimed
straight into his stupid smug face, surely?
But they’re at their worst when they hunt in packs. I was
approaching Berry Head, minding my own business at 20 knots,
when a bunch of them came around the headland at warp speed,
riding many abreast and heading straight at me. What can you
do in that situation? Normal rules of the road don’t apply because
they’re so fast and so completely unpredictable. If I’d altered
course to starboard I’d have been cutting across in front of some
of them; if I held my course I was on a collision course anyway.
The only safe thing to do was stop completely and let them
bounce noisily past. Here’s a top tip if you and your mates like
to jetski in groups. Club together and buy a proper boat, that
way your girlfriend clinging wetly on behind won’t look so pissed
off and your testicles will look less like pancakes.
Naturally, I have a solution to the jetski problem that I shall
implement once I’m prime minister, immediately after banning
crab pots more than 100ft from the shore. Boat owners will be
allowed to carry shotguns, and jetskis will be fi tted with strobes
that light up at speeds over 6 knots. See a strobe – it’s open season.
That way they get all the attention they desire, and we all get
to do precisely what we’re all thinking whenever one of these
things comes within 500ft of us.THE BOATAHOLIC
Nick Burnham: “I hate jetskis! There, I said it”
A B O V E : A jetski in its natural habitat – at 40 knots through an anchorageCOLUMN