childhood and adult years.This pattern does not exist as much
as it did earlier. The black hole is not
so big and deep anymore. But every
now and then I get sucked into its
vortex, and then the same feelings of
worthlessness and not being wanted
envelop me. Even though I am now
aware of this entire inner mechanism,
I am not free of it. I wonder if I will
ever get free of this black hole. Is there
something I need to do? Or do I simply
surrender to the almighty and seek his
grace to experience unconditional self-
love and acceptance.I am aware what I experience is not
limited to me. It is a human phenomenon.
We all feel something is not right with
us at some point of time or the other.
For some it is more prevalent, for others
less so. But the black hole of not feeling
okay about ourself is within all of us.
We may be unsure of our looks, our
abilities, our intelligence and ourworth
in the eyes of others. Each of us hasSelf-Love
Ajay KalraThere is something within me that
emits a signal that I am not okay. It is
like a black hole in my consciousness. I
do not know where it came from – past
life, childhood experiences – what I do
know is that it exists. Earlier I wasn’t
aware of it. All I experienced was a
feeling of worthlessness whenever I
felt criticized, disapproved or judged,
particularly by people I perceived as
parental or authority figures. Quite
often I interpreted others’ actions
towards me as an indication of my
defect. This black hole made me overly
sensitive to misinterpreting situations
in a manner that I felt unwanted and
worthless. These emotional signals
were painful to bear and I often relied
on some unhealthy coping mechanism
to numb the pain. This created a
dysfunctional pattern. I feel not okay –
I see others’ actions as a confirmation
of my being not okay – I feel not okay
- I act not okay – I feel not okay. Like
a vicious dark circle, this pattern of
‘not okay-ness’ kept repeating itself
and consumed a significant part of my