Your Family - April 2017

APRIL 2017 97

CHOICES, CHOICES, CHOICES

PUBLISHED WITH PERMISSION OF KWARTS PUBLISHERS PHOTO: FOTOLIA.COM

PARENTING

PARENTAL INFLUENCE

Children aren’t born with perseverance. As they grow they

achieve things through their own hard work. The seeds for this

learning are sown by the parents, but like any seed, it has to be

nurtured and cared for in a way that will ensure the outcome

is a mature, self-confident and independent person. While it’s

impossible to be the perfect parent all of the time, you could

unintentionally be falling into some common parenting traps,

with unpleasant results:

1 

NEGLECT This can be physical or emotional. By not giving

your child enough time, or not providing for their needs,

uncertainty is created and your child is left feeling insecure.

This can result in their behaviour becoming unrestrained

and uncontrolled.

2 

OVER-INDULGENCE If you give your child everything they

desire – and don’t have the self-discipline (or the courage!) to

say no – you may be overindulging your child. This situation

becomes chaotic as you give in to more and more demands.

These children have difficulty coping with what life expects of

them, because they become focused on gratification and not

on reality.

3 

TOUGHENING-UP Ken says that in this situation, your

attitude is detached and cold. You don’t show love and

support, and will create situations that end up humiliating

and undermining your child.

4 

OVERPROTECTING If you’re overprotective you tend to

underestimate your child’s abilities and as a result they

can become too dependent on you. Your child becomes

pampered, and not challenged. Children may develop

learning difficulties and they become helpless when given

tasks they think are too difficult to handle.

5 

TOO STRICT If you’re too strict, chances are your

expectations are too high. Kids of overly strict parents believe

their purpose in life is to please their parents. An overly

demanding attitude can result in a child who is frustrated

and anxious, and who constantly fears getting into trouble.

They may develop an underlying passive/aggressive attitude,

leading to a resentful disposition. The child will have feelings

of inferiority as his achievements are always being compared

to a higher-achieving sibling, relative or peer, says Ken.

6 

INCONSISTENCY Your child never knows where they stand.

This leads to uncertainty because they never know if you

will approve or disapprove of their behaviour. This type of

parenting can lead to your child becoming manipulative,

anxious, insecure and hesitant when it comes to dealing with

new situations.

7 

OVERLY CORRECTING There’s little room for error in this

child’s life, says Ken. If you overly correct you expect your

child to blindly obey without questioning. Children whose

parents overly correct their behaviour develop a fear of failure

or are scared to take risks because they fear the outcome.

There is also a risk that these children may not be well

socialised or accepted by their peers.

8 

NEUROTIC PARENTING Working full time and struggling

to keep up with life’s challenges could lead you to become a

neurotic parent. This means your ability to communicate with

your child is affected and as a result your child could become

anxious, emotional and aggressive, says Ken. This is because

the child starts to feel unsafe in his environment.

Ken believes all behaviour is based on your choices. You

choose to react and respond to situations in certain ways,

and it’s the same for kids. ‘When a 10-month-old baby cries

because he wants to be picked up and stops crying after

being picked up, he has made a choice. Toddlers and infants

are not able to verbalise, but they understand more than we

give them credit for,’ he says. It doesn’t matter what role you

play in your child’s life (grandparent/parent/caregiver), your

responsibility is to help him make the best choices possible.

Nobody likes to be prescribed to, or lectured. When

lectured, kids don’t absorb most of what’s been said. Ken

advises that by giving a child a choice ‘he will learn to

understand the consequences of bad choices and you’ll

teach him how to make the right choices. As a parent it’s

your responsibility to teach your child to avoid becoming an

adult who blames others for his lack of success and refuses

to accept responsibility for his poor choices.’

For more info, visit Smartchoiceparenting.co.za

Parenting Decoded is available at leading bookshops.