om body
S
ince a teenager I’ve had a
disordered relationship with my
body and mind. I suffered from
chronic dieting, stress and crazy
bouts of acne. Feeling confident
in my skin was a daily challenge and my
self-esteem was at an all-time low. I started
to wage a war against myself that would
continue for a number of years.
Throughout my early twenties I
experimented with various diets, militant
exercise routines, clothing, make-up
and different hairstyles, but I still felt
disconnected from within. It didn’t matter
how many people told me I was beautiful, I
never felt it; if anything, it just made things
worse as I felt pressure to become the
person who they saw through their eyes.
That was until I first stepped on to my
yoga mat. At the time, I saw it simply for
what it is - a soft thin padding of protection,
which separated my body from the hard
wooden floor beneath. Somewhere that
indicated to others in the class that this was
my space.
As the yoga class began, I watched how
my body moved in the mirror in front of me.
I’d never really looked at myself in the mirror
in a loving way. It was always to inspect my
flaws, self-judge and criticise myself. For
the first time I watched as my delicate body
moved slowly within the outline of my mat;
there was no way of running away from
the reflection mirrored in front of me, I was
facing myself front on.
With my bare feet and hands stretched
and pushed down into my mat, I started
to feel grounded. This was my mat; no one
was going to cross the line into my territory.
Feeling safe within a group of people I didn’t
know, practicing something I’d never tried
before, I was able to bring myself into my
body, letting down the barriers that I had
built up.An awakening
As I stretched my muscles and massaged
my internal organs, I noticed where I held
tension; sharp aches of pain that wanted to
be released. Glued to my mat, resisting the
temptation to move and holding trust in the
practice, I breathed through the areas of
my body that felt tight until eventually the
pain subsided and the tension had become
unlocked. Working within the confinements
of my mat, I stayed present and focused,
slowly learning the process of surrendering
to my body and letting go.
For too long I felt the body I had beenborn with had let me down. I began to realise
though the awful truth; it wasn’t my body
that had let me down, it was I who had let
it down. For 20-odd years, every cell in my
body worked endlessly to keep me alive, yet
within those years I had let my inner citric- that no-longer served me – dominate my
thoughts. Not once had I appreciated the
beauty that I could now see reflected back
at me as I sat on my mat.
The lesson finished with relaxation. Feeling
exhausted, I lay down on my back, letting my
body sink down into the mat. It felt heavy,
as though it was deeply rooted through my
mat into the floor beneath. I observed how
my breathing slowed down and the normal
chattering in my mind ceased. A sense of
calm came over me. In that moment, I felt at
peace with myself.
Sacred place
Slowly awakening, my body and mind arose
together as one. As I sat up, I breathed in a
positive breath of fresh air that seeped into
my lungs and renewed my senses. Bowing
my head, I gave thanks not only to the class,
but to my mat for having given me exactly
what I needed; a new perspective.
Now heading towards 30, my yoga mat
has become a sacred place; not so much in
a religious sense, but a place I regard with
great respect. When I refer to my mat, I’m
not referring to a particular mat I have, but
to the mat I use for any given practice. It
may be the mat my yoga teacher lays down
in front of me, the one I borrow for my group
class at the studio or the mat I use at home.
It is a symbol for that which it represents.
A safe haven; somewhere I can find inner
peace no matter where I am or what is
happening within my life.
My mat has taught me that I have the
tools and strength within to deal with
anything that life throws at me. All the
resources I need, I already have. It has
enabled me to learn the art of patience, to
be radically honest with myself, to heal old
wounds, to reconnect with who I am and to
truly appreciate how abundant my life is.
Not a day goes by where I don’t challenge
myself on my mat and work hard to develop
inner strength, both physically and mentally.
With a newfound sense of responsibility
towards myself, I am now more than ever
committed to creating long-lasting change
from within.Juliana Kassianos is a nutrition and lifestyle
therapist and writer (julianahealth.com)