114 DIVorCe wItH DeCenCY
the stomach to go ahead with a full divorce and instead wimp-
ing out by seeking only a separation—even though in your heart
you know that the marriage really is hopeless), may well do
more harm than good. Interspousal friction may continue need-
lessly during the separation period—with each still trying to run
or influence the other’s life. Furthermore, the overall emotional
recovery can be delayed through a refusal to grapple with the real
issues of getting on with one’s own new life instead of continu-
ously rehashing the old one.
Some practical problems with separations. People somehow expect
separations to be financially more economical, but they gener-
ally are not. In fact, separations typically result in much higher
total legal expenses. After first paying one set of attorneys’ fees
for the separation, you then have to cough up another full set of
legal fees to get divorced a couple of years later. Also remember
that even any short-term move away from the marital residence,
or other separation from your children during this period, can
severely prejudice your later case for child custody. Furthermore,
lengthy separations give whichever party is in primary control
of the financial holdings a long window of opportunity to shift
or hide assets. Finally, you must remember that your assets and
debts will usually remain commingled and at risk during any
separation period since courts are still generally in the habit of
considering all assets accumulated throughout the entire dura-
tion of the marriage as being on the block and divisible as of the
actual date of divorce. Thus, prolonged separations can be finan-
cially devastating for the wealthier or higher-earning party.
If, but only if, a separation is accompanied by a serious com-
mitment to marriage counseling, getting a better sense of (and
respect for) each other’s separate selves, and actively working
toward a reconciliation, then it is probably worth a shot. Do
not enter into a protracted separation period, however, simply
because you don’t think you have the heart to finalize the divorce
or because you can’t afford it financially—or for any of those gen-
erally lame reasons. And for God’s sake, don’t lose physical track
of your spouse during this period or it will be much more expen-
sive later to implement the service of process that is a prerequisite