Some Basic Background 17
live in blended families with stepparents and/or stepsiblings.
Fully one-third of all American kids will spend part of their
childhood in single-parent households. A substantial majority
of all children of divorce feel rejected by at least one, or occa-
sionally both, of their parents. Some of these kids report back
that they feel they are “in the way” of their parents’ concerns
about getting on with their own new lives. More selfish, parent-
oriented needs suddenly become the focus of primary attention.
This represents a major change from the picture-perfect intact
family of yesteryear, when parents worked selflessly to meet the
needs of their children.
The stats on remarriage. The (re)marriage and (re)divorce cycle
appears to be becoming continuous. The vast majority of people
who divorce will remarry—often within the first three years. Men
are more likely to remarry than women. According to the U.S.
Census Bureau, there are more than three times as many formerly
married or widowed females age forty-five or over as there are
formerly married or widowed males over forty-five.
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
Love will break your heart... but it’s worth it.
—Anonymous
O.K., so the statistics may look a little disheartening. But before
we launch headlong into a discussion of the divorce option, let’s
take a look at the possible (and perhaps preferred) approaches
that may be available to keep a marriage intact. We can start by
analyzing the basic nature of marital conflict.
Several of the key causes of marital conflicts are detailed in an
excellent book entitled Stress and Marriage by Drs. Lyle Miller and
Alma Smith. Perhaps the most basic problem lies in the waning
of the “romantic illusions” that once enabled the participants to
ignore faults they now find intolerable. Sometimes we marry our
own romanticized creations but (surprise) are disappointed when
dealing with a real person with real shortcomings.
Unrealistic expectations of our partners have their roots in a
primary staple of the psychoanalytic trade called “transference.”