Yoga Journal Singapore - June-July 2018

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIMEI became self-conscious

about my body. I couldn’t have been older than seven. I

was wearing my favorite floral one-piece bathing suit, and

my friend’s little brother told

me that I had big legs. Those

words felt like a punch to the

gut. I was suddenly aware

of my body in a way that I

hadn’t been before. From that

moment on, my body became

something others could accept

or reject without my consent.

That comment planted a

seed of shame that would

eventually grow and lead me

on a long journey from self-

destruction and dysmorphic

thinking to self-discovery and

spiritual renewal.

At the age of nine, I

transitioned from being

homeschooled in a diverse

suburb of Syracuse, New

York, to the public school

system in Bel Air, Maryland—a

predominantly white

community. I was not only

aware of my “big” legs, but also my hair texture, my far

from European-shaped nose, and my darker skin color.

I began comparing myself to the “popular” girls, who

wore ponytails that swayed from side to side as they walked

the halls. In an attempt to “fit in,” every few months I would

PTANCE

Yoga teacher Sara Clark shares her journey from

self-consciousness to courageousness, plus an asana practice paired

with mantra to help you feel confident in your own skin.

Photography by Chris Fanning

sit for hours in a salon while a hairdresser transformed my

hair into hundreds of long, tiny braids, called micro-minis, in

hopes of mimicking long, flowing hair.

My image consciousness

wasn’t helped by the fact that my

loving parents, who grew up in the

South during the civil rights era,

were incredibly conservative. To

protect me from what they viewed

as a world that oversexualized

black women’s bodies, they

made sure there were no short

shorts in my wardrobe. Instead of

celebrating my long limbs, I hid

them, growing more and more

ashamed of my figure.

Negative self-talk began to

fill my head. During my senior

year, I went to the prom with

a white friend. After that, his

friends stopped talking to him

for choosing a “brown girl” as

his date.

I internalized the hate until

I despised every square inch

of who I was. According to the

Mayo Clinic, the symptoms of

dysmorphia include having perfectionist tendencies;

constantly comparing your appearance with others; having

a strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance

that makes you ugly or deformed; avoiding certain social

situations because of it (which for me meant wearing a

“I internalized

the hate until

I despised

every square inch

of who I was.”

55

june / july 2018

yogajournal.com.sg