CAT-COW POSEWhen I was in sixth grade, the cool girl in school
took me under her wing. She wore expensive
clothes and lots of makeup and used a tan-
ning bed—and this was in middle school! I was
the smart, awkward girl who got straight A’s
and won awards. As you might guess, it turned
into the typical mean-girl experience. One
night after I’d been hanging out at her house,
her mom was driving me home and asked me
why I didn’t have abs. There are probably other
moments that shaped my body image, but I will
never forget sitting in the backseat of this van
and coming home crying to my mom about why
I didn’t have abs. I asked for weights for Christ-
mas and started going to the library to rent
workout videos.
From that time on, exercise has been about
sculpting my body into something better. I still
have this weird relationship with my body where
after a workout I’ll go to the mirror, lift up my
shirt, look at my stomach and think, “Is this tak-
ing up less space now?”
When I was twenty, I did one of those
home-workout boot camp programs: six vid-
eos a week for ninety days. It was miserable. I
just dreaded every workout. The program has
strength training days, cardio days, and a weekly
yoga day, and the yoga was the only part of this
grueling thing I put myself through that I actually
looked forward to. It was the only workout where
I wasn’t thinking about when it would be over
and what I would look like.
Now I’m out of college. I just started a new job
and am stressed out of my mind. By the weekend
I’m completely exhausted. In the past couple of
months I have not exercised, like, at all. But once
in a while I’ll whip out that yoga video, and when
I do it I feel like I’m taking care of myself. I’m not
looking in the mirror. For thirty minutes, I’m just
listening to my body.