ZiNG Caribbean – May-June 2019

“Neighbour,yuhhavebacchanalgoin’onatyoursdis

mornin’orwhat?”shoutedtheoldmanfrombehindhis

wire-meshfence.

“Howyuhmean?”

“Ididseedesergeantinyuhyardrealearly,lookin’upan’

down,upan’down,searchin’aboutalloverso,likehelookin’

fuhevidence.”

“Evidence?Whatde....”saidmyuncle,lookingaround.

Somethingwasn’tright.Theyardwasquieter.Aquickhead

countofhisflockrevealedthereason.

“Blastedmanteefmehyardfowl!”

“Boyyuhshouldreportdat,”

repliedtheelderlyneighbour.

“Whoahtellin’?Police?”

Thislivestocklarcenywas

notrestrictedtochickens,as

myunfortunateunclewas

todiscoverafewChristmas

seasonslater.Hehad,perhaps

foolishlygivenhisprevious

experience,beenkeepingapig

andallowingittorummageon

apatchofgroundtothefront

ofhishouse.Oneafternoon,

theporkerwastakingasiesta

intheshadeofamangotree

whenamaxitaxiscreechedtoa

haltnearby.Withawhooshthe

maxi’ssidedoorslidbackand

fivebigmenburstfromitlikea

WestIndianSpecialForcesunit.

Theymadeabeelineforthe

sow,whichsenseddanger.The

salivatingmenmighthavebeen

fuelledbygluttonousvisionsof

endlessgeeraporkbutthesow

hadmorefancyfootworkthanLionelMessi.

Sheledthemamerrydanceuntilshewasfinally

cornered,capturedandcarried,protestingwildly,backto

thevehicle.Thespiritedswinewasnotdoneforyet,though,

andstuckoutherfrontlegsrigidlyontheskirtofthemaxi,

squealinglikemad.Tryastheymight,thegangcouldnot

manhandleherinside,andherfuriousprotestationshad

alertedneighbourswhorantoheraid.Realisingthegame

wasup,thefivedroppedthepig,jumpedintothetaxi

andspedoff,leavingtheanimalgruntingandsnorting–

indignantbutvictorious.●

henmywifeandIfirstmovedto

theCaribbean,Iwasstilllocked

intoforeignideasofasenseof

spaceandpropriety.Thatwas

shatteredtheweekwemoved

intoablockofflatsthatincluded

twounitsontheupperfloorandthreebeneath.

OneofournewneighboursbelowwasHetty.Hettywas

abigladywithabeautifulsoul,whotooktolookingafterus

withgusto.Oneofthoseself-appointeddutieswasrevealed

earlyoneSaturdaymorning.

Aswelayslumberingin

bed,withthewarmthofthe

Caribbeansunfillingtheroom,

weheardheavyfootsteps

accompaniedbyheartygospel

hummingascendingthestairs

leadingupthesideofour

building.Thesestairsledto

ourporchbut,ontheirangled

ascent,passedourbedroom

window,beneathwhichwasour

bedhead.Thefootstepsand

hummingstopped.

“Neighbour!!!!!Yuh

havemail!!!”bawledHetty.

“Oooohhhhitlookin’likeitfrom

foreign.Maybeyuhmawrite

yuheh?!!”

Abigmittwasthrustthrough

thecurtains,wagglingafistfulof

postaboveourheads.

“Neighbour!!!Comenah,

come,yuhhavemail!!”

AsItookthepostand

thankedher,thehandwas

retracted,wewerewisheda“blessedday”andthoseheavy

footstepsbeganretreatingbackdownthestairs.

Notallneighbourspossesssuchgoodintentions.An

uncleofmine,likemanyofhisgeneration,keptafew

chickensatthebackofhisproperty.Thesebirdssurvivedon

scratchings,leftoversandtheirownwitsuntilafewweeks

beforeamajorfestivitytheirrationswouldbeincreasedto

fattenthemupintimefortheparty.

OneChristmasEvemorningmyunclestrolledintohis

backyard,whichwasborderedononesidebythepolice

stationandontheotherbyanelderlyneighbour.

“THESALIVATINGMENMIGHTHAVEBEENFUELLEDBYGLUTTONOUSVISIONSOFENDLESS

GEERAPORKBUTTHESOWHADMOREFANCYFOOTWORKTHANLIONELMESSI”

Living & loving the Caribbean

lifestyle, with James Fuller

LIFESTYLE: JAMES FULLER

96 | ZiNG CARIBBEAN http://www.liat.com | May - June 2019