WWW.TRUELOVE.CO.ZA (^) |^2019 OCTOBER | 93
STAYSNATCHED
Wantingtheringandmaintianingahealthy
weightarenottwoconflictingdesires.Witha
bitoffocusanddetermination,youcanhave
both.
Beaccountable.Yousharealargenumberof
mealswithyourspouse.The twoofyoucan
agreethat80%ofthosemealswillbehealthy.
Thatwillcurbweightgainforbothofyou.
Domore.WatchingNetflixisnottheonlywayto
spendqualitytimeasa couple.Gocycling,hiking
orswimmingandvisitmuseumsandgalleries
onweekends.Beingactiveisnotonlygoodfor
yourbody,butisa greatbondingexercisetoo.
Make yourself a priority. Yes, you’re busy
and havemany demands, but taking care of
yourhealthandweightis importantforyour
wellbeing. You can’talways belast — unless
you’reaimingforunhappinessandresentment.
Beinspired.Getoutofthehouseandbearound
other incredible women. Being inspired will
makeyouwantbetterforyourself.
body. My husband didn’t have an issue with it, but I did. I
felt like I had become a ‘typical wife’ and looked matronly,
which is something I had promised myself I wouldn’t do. I
still wanted to look and feel sexy but the reality was different.”
Zandile says the weight gain also prompted people to ask if
they were expecting a baby – a topic that made her even more
stressed. “I wasn’t pregnant and I was being constantly asked,
so not only did I feel fat and unattractive, but I also felt under
pressure to have a baby. The combination was stressful for
me and because I was so unhappy, it started having a negative
effect on me and my marriage,” she says.
This flipside of the “married weight is happy weight”
perception is very common. According to a counsellor at The
Family Life Centre’s Coronationville office, Wilma Calvert, if
the person gaining weight is not happy about it, it can create
other issues in the marriage. “A vicious cycle is created: lack
of confidence leads to a withdrawal from intimacy, which
leads to arguments. The notion of being comfortable in one’s
own skin could be used as a way of judging. As soon as doubt
creeps in, comfort leaves,” she warns.
It’s also important for us, as a society, to be honest about
the fact that weight gain isn’t always a sign of happiness and
being well taken care of. It can sometimes be a sign of the
opposite. “Absolutely, it can be a deeper cry for help. There
are different types of medical and mental illnesses that can
cause weight gain. Depression can lead to overeating, which
would lead to weight gain. Unhealthy food and unbalanced
lifestyles can generally lead to weight gain, which in turn
affects relationships adversely,” Dr Katjene explains.
IS IT A MARITAL ISSUE?
One of the realities of weight gain is that people tend to pack
on the kilos with age, so the issue isn’t always related to
marriage. Some single people also put on weight as they get
older. “Individual preferences and predispositions come into
play in this regard. Expectations, motivators, inhibitors, goals
and the envisaged life after marriage all contribute to the
state of contentment in the relationship,” Dr Katjene says.
Some factors that can influence weight gain can include
bad eating habits and a lack of exercise, hormonal issues,
medication, as well as having a more stressful and sedentary
life. “Married couples must realise that they have moved
from independence to interdependence in their relationship
structure. Relationship goals are supposed to be more than
big houses, cars and dream holidays but to integrate health
and wellness. It’s necessary for partners to hold each other
accountable for maintaining a certain lifestyle which will
improve their longevity. Keeping in shape is one of the key
aspects that partners must focus on,” Dr Katjene suggests.
NAVIGATING WEIGHT AND ITS COMPLEXITIES
While studies show that both men and women can gain weight
during marriage, the attention tends to be more focused on
women. Calvert says, “Media hammers home the idea of a
perfect body shape and many women buy into being body
shamed. This has a huge psychological effect on women.”
And because of this, more often than not, it’s the woman in
the relationship who is more at risk of loss of self-esteem
and confidence as she gains weight. The concept of “letting
yourself go” is also harder on women than it is on men. Again
this shows that the belief of weight gain = happiness doesn’t
actually hold water because if it did, women would not be
looked down on for gaining that “happy” weight. If, as a
society, we hold being in shape as a marker of being attractive
and by extension happy, how do we then claim to equate the
opposite, which is weight gain with happiness?
“I don’t think there’s a distinct gender difference in the
psychological effects of weight gain, but women are more likely
to be affected by weight gain than men. Undesired weight
gain affects one’s perception of self, value, attractiveness and
standing in interpersonal relationships,” Calvert adds.
Another example of why one should be suspicious of the
belief that weight = happiness, is when marriages end and
the woman loses weight. This is seen as an achievement and
a glow up. Why would that be if marital weight gain is such
a blissful state? It’s important to think deeper about some of
the norms we accept as truth, especially when we know that
society has thrived for centuries at the expense of women
feeling less confident at every turn.
Since your own perception is the one that matters most,
it’s crucial to drown out the voices of others. The real question
is: What weight are you most comfortable in and what can
you do to try attain that for your own confidence?
“We need to encourage people to stop having such loud
opinions about the bodies of others. Weight is a personal
issue and should be treated as such. I generally advise against
commenting on people’s weight,” Calvert concludes. ■
RELATIONSHIPS
IMAGE
Gallo Images/Getty Images
lu
(lu)
#1