leftAustraliaforSouthAmericawitha busymindand
heavyheart.Myweekshadbeentessellatingfrom
corporatestagesinbusycitiestosmallgroupworkin
suicide-affectedtowns.WhenI gothometomypartner,
I wouldbestruckwitha deepguiltatnotbeingpresent
toanyofit.I begantoclingtovicesasa wayofgetting
throughthehazinessofmydays—eithertohelpme
feelortostopmefeelingatall.I wasoutoftouchonthe
insideandbeingapplaudedforhowmuchI hadmyshit
togetherontheoutside.So,inthemidstofwhatwasfast
becominga fire,I tookoffona soul-searchingmission.
I detoxedfrommyphoneinthePeruvianmountains
andsatinsilenceintheAmazonjungle.I rodethe
wavesofanxietyasI letgoofcontrolandoutcomes.
Butit wasinCostaRicathatI facedthebiggest
challengeofall.Ina littletowncalledMonteverde,
myfriendandI embarkedonanadventuretosee
someofthejungle.Attheendofthefirstday,wegot
tochattingwithtwoothertravellers,oneofwhom
askedwhatI did.“I’ma speakerfromAustralia,”
Isaid,“witha fiercepassionforgettingpeopleto
takerisksintheiremotionallivesandactualise
theirpotential.”Hiseyeslitupwithexcitement.
“Iwasmeanttomeetyou!”hesaid.“You’rejustthe
personI needforthefinalstageofmyadventure.
You’regoingtocomebungeejumpingwithme!”
I stopped,feelingtheblooddrainfrommyface.“Ithink
you’remistaken,”I said.“I helppeoplefacetheirinner
fearsandstepintovulnerabilityandlove.I’mnotquite
surewhatthathastodowithbungeejumping.”
“Well,there’sa free-fallinvolvedwhetheryou’re
askingpeopletojumpoffa cliffwitha ropeor
bemoreopen-heartedwithhowtheyfeel.”
Silencehauntedthespaceaswelookedbackand
forthateachotherina battleofwill.I stoodfirm.
“Look,I havea phobiaofheights.Notlikea normal
fear,likea vertigo-inducing,may-potentially-pass-out,
absolutely-cannot-do-itkindoffear.I’msorry.”
“Nicole,”hesaid,pausingdramatically.“Whenyou
asksomeonetosteptowardtheedgesoftheirbelief
systemsandperspectivesandlookattheirfearsdead
intheeye,it isabsolutelynodifferentthansteppingonto
theedgeofthatbungeejumpandfreefalling.Soyou
either need to do the bungee with me or you need to
seriously reconsider your job when you get home.”
These may have been the only words that could
have jolted me into submission. I exhaled. “Okay.”
Afewhourslater,thereI was:standingonthe
edgeofa clifflookingata swayingplatformheld
togetherbytwopolesaboutonekilometreapart.
ASpanishmanwrappedVelcroaroundmyankles
asI lookedoverinterroratthe700-metredrop.
“Hasanyoneeverdieddoingthis?”I asked.“I will
tellyouafter,”herepliedinbrokenEnglish.
It wasmytimetojump.I heldontotheshouldersof
mySpanishfriendandlookedhimintheeyestofind
somegrounding.Hewasdoinghisbesttonotlaugh.
Peeringovertheedge,I triedtoshufflemybody
forward,makingit halfwaybeforecompletelycoming
toa halt.I begancoachingmyselfasI woulda client.
Nicole.Thefearisinyourmind.Everythingissafe.
Justwalkforward,onefootinfrontoftheotherand
jump.It’llbeoversoon.
Thenmyheadstartedtospiral.
DoI reallymakepeoplefeelthiswaywhenI challenge
them?Isthiswhatthefearofbreakingthrough
emotionalbarriersislike?I feellikeI’mgoingtodie.
That’swhenI realisedsomethingprofound:I could’ve
stoodtherefor 10 minutes,twomonthsora decadeand
stillthejumpwasgoingtobethere.Notonlythat,itwould
actuallybecomeharderandhardertojumpthelongerI
hesitated.Inthatmoment,I catapultedoffthecliff.
It feltlikeecstasy.Ina splitsecondI wasreborn,
transformedandfreeofanythingthathadeverheld
meback. It was incredible.
The truth is, we spend much longer on the edge than
we ever really need to. We whittle and waste away
our lives trying to come up with clever ways to keep
us safe and avoidant. We conclude and accept that
the edge is saving us from the scariest bit, when
in reality there is absolutely nothing scarier than
standing on that edge. I realised I was never really
lost or trapped; I was never really that far from what
I was truly wanting. Often it takes just one leap of
faith to make all the others feel possible again.
I
STORIES OF COURAGE 55
