havea longhistoryofunhealthyniceness.Working
60-hourweekstogettheapprovalofmyboss;
laughingatjokesthatareinappropriateorhurtful;
allowingviolentbehaviourtohappentome,other
humansorthemore-than-humanworld;remaining
quietwhensomethinginappropriateoruntrueis
saidaboutmeorsomeoneelse.AgainandagainI’ve
compromisedtruthandintegrity,andconsequently
thewellbeingofmyselfandwhat’saroundme.
Andforwhat?Mostofthetime,it’stobeliked.
Readingthatlastsentencemakesmyskincrawl.
Andit getsuglier.
Oneofthemanydownsidesofbeinga niceperson
isyoubottlethingsup—suppressingorswallowing
reactionsuntiltheyleakoutthesideoryouexplodewith
anover-reaction.Inthisvein,I’veendedrelationships
withlittlewarningandnopriorcommunication
aboutwhatI’dbeenunhappyabout.I’veshoutedat
someonewhocrosseda boundaryI nevervocalised
andlaiddownthelawina stridentmannerwhenmy
unexpressedexpectationshadn’tbeenmet.And
I’vetakenit personallywhensomeonedisagreed
withmeandsecretlyresentedthemforit.
I mighthaveavoidedthemessinessandhurtthese
actionscausedif I’dclearlystatedmyboundariesatthe
outset—namedinappropriatebehaviour,saidnowhen
I meantnoanddisagreedrespectfullyandopenlywith
people.Inevitably,thethingthatstoppedmefromdoing
thiswascaringmoreaboutwhetherpeoplelikedme
thanaboutwhatwasrightformeorothersI careabout.
Thoseofyouwhoarefreeofthetyrannyofniceness
willbethinking,Butyoucan’tcontrolwhetherpeople
likeyouornot. Indeed.It’sa fool’serrand.Theprice
ofwinningormaintainingothers’affectionsis
toohighif thecostisyourwellbeingandintegrity
orthatofothers.If someonedoesn’tacceptmy
boundaries,mydisagreementormycandour,then
therelationshipisunlikelytolastlonganyway.
So instead of being nice, I am learning to be
honest, clear and direct about my truth, needs,
beliefs and values—while respecting those
of others and doing so with compassion.
As with any new skill, I’ve been clumsy with my
newfound not-niceness. I’ve been more abrupt,
strident, direct and firm than was probably necessary
or warranted by the situation. But on the whole,
people seem to respond positively. There is a clarity
tomyinteractionsthatwaspreviouslymissing.
Peopleknow where I stand, which builds respect and
trust. It also means I’m not approached for things
that previously I would have grudgingly complied with
and then avoided doing or secretly resented. That
saves everyone time and avoids poor quality work.
In saying no to things, I also have more time for the
things I say yes to. More time with my daughter
and partner and with friends who accept me in my
“not-niceness.” I’ve also found myself in productive
disagreements where standing firm in my opinion whilst
also doing my best to understand the other person’s
side has allowed us to arrive at creative solutions we
might not have realised had I not stood my ground.
In turn, I have found myself taking action on issues that
matter most to me. For example, I recently had a candid
and heartening conversation with my local member of
parliament where my concerns about climate change
were respectfully listened to and I learned things about
their party’s climate policy which, despite falling short
of what is needed, is a step in the right direction. There
is momentum created here, much more than what
would have come from complaining about my opinions
going unrecognised while doing nothing to voice them.
At the heart of it, recovering from niceness is
about owning my power and using it in service of
the people and things I care about and love.
It takes courage because everything in me is screaming,
“But they won’t like you, and if they don’t like you, you
are worthless and you will be alone, and if you are alone
you will die!” Clearly my inner monologue is prone
to false assumptions, catastrophising and a healthy
dose of the dramatic! But it is also very convincing.
Acting in a different way from how I normally operate
means ignoring that loud and seductive voice and
stepping into the unknown. And that is scary as hell.
But it’s the only place change has ever happened.
I
STORIES OF COURAGE 61
