Dumbo Feather – February 2019

buckscanbeoutsideofyourclassic“getpissed,embarrassthebuckandandseestrippers”

event—somethingthat’spowerfulandmeaningfulanda riteofpassagethatcansetmy

matesoffintothetrajectoryofanincrediblemarriage.Sothat’sa littlebusinessideaI’vegot:

a meaningfulbucksparty!

Yeah!Whatwasinterestingwaslikefourguyspulledmeasideandsaid,

“Mate,I don’tactuallywantthemthereeither.”

Yeahallthetime.I thinkthatwe’reinfluxfor

masculinity.WehaveMeToo.DonaldTrumpasa world

leader.BarnabyJoyceinAustralia.SixAussiemen

takingtheirlifeeveryday.Suicide’sthebiggestkiller

ofyoungmen.Onewomankilledeveryweekfromfamilyviolence.What’sthecommon

denominatorhere?It’stheseparticularbehavioursandattitudesthatmenaretoldto

exhibit.Therearealsoallkindsofpressuresinadvertising,Netflix,socialmedia,bigbrands

infiltratingourworldwiththeseunhealthyidealsofmasculinity.

andinsteadofdemonisingthefeminine—“Don’tbegay,don’tbenurturingandsoftand

emotional”—welcomeit.It’sa musclethatweneedtodevelop.InoneofourManCave

Mondaysmen’sgroup,whichisforguysaged 18 to35,wegivemenPost-Itnotesandsay,

“We’regoingtogiveyoua chancetowritea questionortopicyou’vealwayswantedto

discuss,orsomethingyou’vealwayswantedsomeonetoask.We’llputitinthemiddle,

completelyanonymousandwe’llleaninonebyoneandreadthemout.Andwe’lltalktoit

basedonourlifeexperiences.”It’sfascinating.Guysgoing,“Ijustproposedtomyfiancée

andI’mreallyworriedandnervousaboutbeingina monogamousrelationship.”Or,“I’vejust

declaredbankruptcy.I’mfuckingpetrified.”Toguysgoing,“I’mquestioningmysexuality

andmyidentity.Nooneknowsthis.”And,“I’mhavingissuesinthebedroom.”Andthenguys

go,“Oh,I’vehadthatsituationbefore,”andthey’lltalkfromtheirownexperience.Sothere’s

nophilosophisingoradvisingpeople,justsharingfromtheirownexperience.Thereally

interestingthingiswe’vekeptallthosePost-Itnotes.Andtheyaretheinnerlivesofthese

menandwhattheyarereallydealingwith,oftenbythemselves.Whatweseeisa lotofthese

guysdon’thavethespaceorpermissiontotalkaboutthisintimatestuff.Ormaybethey’ll

wait’tiltheyhavea fewbeersora coupleofdrugs,whateveritmaybe.

Yeah.Sometimeswe

feelpressuretosavethe

awkwardnessofthetough

stuffwe’vejustshared.

Youknowit’stoughfortheseguystoo,right?Because

they’vegrownupbeingtold,“Toughenup,showno

emotion,bea certainway,”andnowthey’rebeingtold,

“Jumpoffandbemorevulnerable.Sharemoreoften.”

I thinkthatcouldbeoneofthe

mostrebelliousactsoutthere!

Howdoyouthinkwegothere?Intermsofthis

cultureofmasculinitythatseemssuperlimiting.

Iimagine you’re thinking about this a lot.

What I’ve also noticed with some men in my life who do eventually get

there, even if it’s through alcohol, talking about their emotions, they’re

being quite clear with what the difficulty of their experience is, they get to

a real place, and very quick they’ll be like, “But it’s all good. I’m all good.”

And it all gets swept away. We had this great, raw
conversation and then, “But actually it’s okay,” and
you’re back to where you start. It’s allowing men to
feel comfortable in not being comfortable.

In our work it’s not about about telling men to

throw away their masculine traits. It’s about

getting boys to explore more of their humanity,

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