2019-12-01_Red_UK

(Nora) #1
74
December 2019 | REDONLINE.CO.UK

EXPERIENCE


Steven’s role and if I do the dishes, it would be both
undermining and passive-aggressive. So I walk away
and it feels as if a massive load has been lifted.
Later that day, Steven says, ‘I always thought I did
loads of washing-up but without you chipping in, it’s
constant.’ I feel weirdly appreciated and pleased I didn’t
let my inner superwoman/martyr take over. Plus, thanks
to all my tidying, which hasn’t been sidelined for things
that don’t apply to me, the flat feels calm and organised.
Crucially, we both try to stick to Rodsky’s CPE rule:
Conception, Planning, Execution. So there’s no mixing
and matching – if I put the wash on, then I have to see
it through to the bitter end: hanging it out to dry, then
folding and putting the clothes away. However, this
comes to a head one morning when Steven is carrying
Rosa in her pram down three flights of stairs outside
our flat (the lift is being replaced). He asks me to take
a bag of old prawn heads from last night’s dinner to
the bins as he can’t carry them. I refuse, explaining
that rubbish is his area; an argument ensues over my
obstinacy. In hindsight, he may have had a point.

FINDING A BALANCE
The first week’s gone well in terms of acknowledging
that we’re each trying to pull our weight domestically,
but while Steven has used his self-care card by going
for runs, I’ve failed to use my self-care, adult friendships,
grooming or Unicorn Space cards. Everything for me
is still work, chores and kids. There has to be some
balance, or what’s the point?

WEEK TWO
We decide to do a straight swap for week two. I look
forward to Steven’s turn as ‘laundry fairy’, as it’s
laughingly referred to in our home. I then realise

I’m responsible for meals and groceries, which means
menu planning and a huge online shop. I tell Steven
I am on it and then do... nothing.
By the second day (after I panic-buy a takeaway the
night before), Steven wanders into our home office while
I’m working and says, ‘What’s for dinner?’ I look at him
blankly: ‘Er...’ I have turned into my student self and
plan on our family of four living on cereal. I have to leg
it to the supermarket every day, unable to meet Steven’s
critical eye. It seems that if Fair Play is going to work,
then it might be a case of selecting the things you’re happy
to do, and sticking with them. I also appreciate Steven’s
willingness to do this mammoth task more than I have
ever done: fair play to him.
The rest of the week goes
smoothly. I water the plants
for the first time ever and take
three bags to the charity bin;
Steven plans a family day out
at the weekend, undertakes
first aid (applying a knee
plaster), and oversees
a homework project (avoiding
this is my personal triumph).
Peace is beginning to reign
as we start to understand what
the other person does, thinks
about and plans for. On the last
day, I remember the Unicorn
Space card; it’s still undealt
and I have no way of doing
it. Instead, I remember
the self-care one and go
to yoga for the first time in
eight months. It’s a start.

WRITE
DOWN
your everyday
tasks and divide
those fairly,
if nothing else.


1


JUST
BECAUSE
one person is
at work, it doesn’t
mean they can’t
take on some
domestic
tasks.

2


GIVE EQUAL
weight to those things
that get pushed to
one side: grooming,
self-care, friends
and culture.

3


SWAP TASKS
regularly for an
insight into what your
partner does.

4
DON’T SWEAT
the small stuff;
thank-you notes
are not essential.

5


5 STEPS TO FAIR PLAY


‘WE EACH


START TO


REALISE


WHAT THE


OTHER


PERSON


DOES’


THE RESULT
Everyone should have a go
at Fair Play, especially before
Christmas gives you both
an extra 17 things to do and
a side-serving of seasonal
resentment. If nothing else,
it brings all those niggly
domestic tasks into the light,
reminding both players of
what it takes to keep things
ticking along. We are sticking
to our naturally relevant big
tasks (food and dishes for
him, laundry and tidying for
me) because it’s simpler, frees
up our time and stops any
nagging or crazy martyrdom.
But now we’re aware that the
smaller stuff should be gently
batted back and forth for
the sake of holiday sanity,
happiness – and each other.

PH

O
TO

G
RA

PH

Y:^
LIZ

VO

N
H
O
EN

E/
TR

UN

K^
AR

CH

IVE

Fair Play (Quercus) by
Eve Rodsky is out now
Free download pdf