10 CalmMoment.com
Calm Christmas
W
e are living in lonely times. Nine
million people in the UK are now
reporting feelings of loneliness,
which can intensify at Christmas.
The festive season is sold to us
a chance to come together, but some of us just don’t
have anyone to share Christmas with. Rather than
enjoying the holiday season, it can end up being
a rather bleak and unhappy experience.
“Christmas is a celebration of togetherness,” says
consultant clinical psychologist Dr Roderick Orner.
“That’s good and well and just as it should be for all
those who are fortunate enough to be in company
at Christmas. For those who are not, the ritual can
accentuate loneliness, or the feeling of loneliness.
Even giving presents is very symbolic: something
from one person to another that confirms a bond. For
those who receive no presents, it again intensifies the
sense of an important thing missing from their life.”
Amy Perrin is founder of the Marmalade Trust,
a Bristol-based charity set up in 2012 to offer a
Christmas Day lunch for older people who would
otherwise be on their own. “We’re surrounded by
images of Christmas office parties, nights out with
friends and of course Christmas Day with family,”
she says. “If you’re seeing these images on TV and inmagazines and you’re not doing these things yourself,
you can feel even more isolated. It’s reported that 3.9
million older people say that television is their main
form of company. Imagine if your company floods you
with images of happy families and you don’t have one
yourself – this can be devastating.”
But it’s not just elderly people who feel lonely at
Christmas. A recent report by mental health charity
Mind revealed that people aged between 24 - 35 are
twice as likely to be alone at Christmas. A third felt
financial pressure over the festive period, while one
in five used the time to dwell on what they felt they
hadn’t achieved. The pressure to share the ‘perfect’
Christmas on social media can also add to feelings of
isolation. “Christmas is displayed all around us as a
time of connection and joy,” says Amy Perrin. “But it’s
also cold and dark and we often have less money.”
It’s somehow easier to understand why elderly
people can suffer from loneliness: they may be less
able to get out, their adult children may be busy with
their own families, or they may just have fewer people
in their lives. But loneliness isn’t a numbers game and
it can be due to the quality of the relationships in our
lives, rather than the quantity. We might not get on with
our families, or feel that we have anything in common
with them, which can be very alienating. “You can feel
alone even if in company,” explains Roderick.
There is good news. Taking a different perspective
on your loneliness (instead of seeing it as something
‘wrong’) can have a beneficial impact. “Loneliness is
a positive natural message,” says Roderick. “In some
situations we react with distressing and inconvenient
feelings, but we can listen and take note of those
feelings and think, ‘What can I do to improve my
situation and my relationships?’”
If you’re dreading a lonely Christmas, preparation
will help. “Look ahead at the kind of Christmas you’re
anticipating. If you don’t like the look of it, take steps
to change it,” says Roderick.
The main thing to remember is that feeling lonely
is completely normal and can happen at any time in
our lives. “Loneliness doesn’t discriminate,” says Amy.
“Talk to your friends, family and colleagues about
how you’d like to have more contact with them.”
At the very least, don’t buy into all the Christmas
goodwill if it ends up making you feel bad about
yourself. Comparison is an act of separation that can
make us feel lonelier than we really are. Try to enjoy
your own experience of Christmas rather looking
at other people’s on Facebook and Instagram, or
imagining what others are up to.Volunteer
“Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and feel more
connected,” says Amy Perrin. “Marmalade Trust (marmaladetrust.
org) has several opportunities to volunteer in the Bristol region,
and Community Christmas (communitychristmas.org.uk) have
opportunities throughout the UK.”Get out and about
“There’s lots going on over Christmas,” says Amy. “Check the local
press and social media for events, groups and other activities that
you can join. Or use it as an excuse to get to know people better.”Lonely this Christmas?
Show someone you care
Extend an ‘active’ invite
"The best way of engaging someone is to invite them to an event
by asking them to participate in the organisation, for example by
preparing the food," says Roderick. "So extend an invitation but say,
‘Come along and we’ll create the Christmas that we all might enjoy’.”Send a card
“To receive a card means that we have been held in mind by
somebody else, even if we don’t see or speak to them on a regular
basis,” says Roderick. “Psychologically that’s incredibly important.”