wellness
52 CalmMoment.com
A
fter being with our partner for a long time,
or getting caught up in the daily grind, it’s
not unusual for a relationship to feel like
it’s getting tired. Being pulled in different directions
by life’s competing demands can mean that the
relationship we were once so energised by loses its
spark – and we’re left wondering how to reignite it.
Our relationships take continued investment
of time, energy, effort and emotion in order to
prosper and thrive. When we first embark on one,
we enter into the great unknown, and there’s
a whole lot of getting-to-know involved. Over time,
and as we gather more shared experience, we don’t
have to invest as intensely as we did at the outset.
We settle into a rhythm and hope that we don’t lose
sight of each other.
But sometimes we do miss a beat and lose the
rhythm of the relationship. It’s not that we set out
to, but somewhere along the way we can become
complacent. We can get so comfortable and secure
in our relationship that we inadvertently take it for
granted because we know our partner will be there.
We then shift our attention to work, to the kids,
friends and family, or even withdraw into ourselves.
A relationship pothole that so many fall into is
assuming that we know everything about our
partner, including thoughts, feelings, needs and
wants. We stop being curious. These are easy
mistakes to make; we are human, after all. But it’s
crucial to be mindful of our assumptions and why
we’re making them. Are they true, or is it that
we’re avoiding a conversation with our partner,
or avoiding seeing something that we don’t want
to? We all want to be seen and heard.
Instead of making assumptions, we can create
opportunities to reconnect and be more intimate
by being vulnerable enough to engage with our
partner in new ways.
When it comes to keeping the spark alive, our
minds automatically turn to sex or date nights.
If we’re not having sex often, like we did in the
beginning, or flirting or spending quality time
together, we wonder if this spells doom. (It doesn’t.)Keep your spark alight
With a little attention we can weather the seasons and keep
hold of that early-day excitement in our relationshipsMaking an effort to express our attraction is
important – after all, it’s what distinguishes a
romantic relationship from a friendship – but we
also experience it when we do things that bring
about that sense of joy in the relationship.
I know, for instance, that if my husband and
I aren’t having a giggle, banter or belly laugh each
day, we’re probably too caught up in other stuff.
Sure, some sexy time or going out on our own
is great for reconnection, but some of my ‘spark’
moments are when we’re about to go to sleep and
are howling laughing, putting the world to rights.
Spending time with our partner – as opposed to
being in proximity to them – asking how they are
and actually being interested in their answer,
showing an interest in what they’re doing even if
it’s not your thing, are ways in which we can show
love. As is hugging and showing affection, making
time for deep conversation (preferably with good
food or great scenery), finding out more about each
other (there’s always more to know) – it’s all good
for the soul of the relationship.
Don’t panic if you feel as if the spark is waning.
Get clear on what that ‘spark’ means to you. Some
people assume that the spark is gone when,
actually, they’ve reached a high level of intimacy
and knowledge of one another, as opposed to being
on a rollercoaster of uncertainty. Sometimes we
think that a spark is being kept on our toes, but this
can also bring turmoil. Say yes to investing in our
relationships and showing love, but also yes to the
magic and intimacy of a shared life where we
weather the seasons together.Natalie Lue is the author of
five books aimed at helping
overachievers and people-
pleasers break unhealthy habits.
She has been writing her blog
baggagereclaim.com for 13 years.
Follow her on Insta @natlueWords: Natalie Lue