ModernMannersS.G. ASKS...
I married into a wonderful family, and we have
a great time together, but I’m often left out of
work-related talk. I’m a stay-at-home mom,
but I also own a small business and do freelance
work. It hurts my feelings that nobody asks
what I’m up to. Should I brush it off?Feeling invisible, even (or especially) around
people you love, is the worst. It’s doubt-
less due to a kind of cluelessness, but old
feminist that I am, I can’t help imagining
that it’s related to your perceived role as
(“just”) a mother. Start by asking your part-
ner to help put your work life more prom-
inently on the family’s radar. “Brag about
me!” is, in my opinion, a totally reasonable
request of a spouse. Plus, the family might
not really understand what you do, and the
more they know about it, the more they’ll
know what to ask. Don’t be too shy to insert
yourself into the discussion either. Look for
analogous situations, funny anecdotes, and
any other conversational segues that connect
your work life to theirs.Your letter was beyond horrifying to my
introverted family members, who offered
uncharacteristically obnoxious advice. My
husband suggested putting a For Sale sign
on the kayak; my daughter thought you
should claim an allergy to dogs and bread
and also boats. The truth is, when other
people want more friendship than we do,
it’s almost impossible not to hurt them. But
for your home to be your haven, you’ll need
to break the pattern of your neighbors’ enti-
tled presumption. “We so appreciate you
making us feel like we’re part of the neigh-
borhood!” you can say. “But we want to keep
our own space more private.” If the request
to respect your boundaries goes unheeded,
I would consider building a sturdy fence
between your yards—one without a gate.F. P. A S K S ...
My husband and I recently moved into a
house with invasive next-door neighbors.
We’re private people, but they bring their
dog into our yard to play, sprinkle bread
to attract birds to entertain the dog, and
invite themselves over when we have dinner
parties. They even put their 10-foot-long
kayak in our yard without saying a word.
When I sunbathe on the deck, she comes
up my back staircase to see what I’m doing.
We want space! What can I do?REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT,
CATHERINE NEWMAN , OFFERS
HER BEST ADVICE ON
YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.
ABOUT
CATHERINE
The author of
One Mixed-Up Night,
Catastrophic Happiness,
and Waiting for Birdy,
Catherine Newman
has shared her wisdom
on matters ranging
from family and friends
to happiness and
pickling in numerous
publications. She
gets advice from her
husband and two
opinionated children
in Amherst,
Massachusetts. CATHERINE NEWMAN ILLUSTRATION BY ULI KNÖRZER
78 REAL SIMPLE NOVEMBER 2019 Illustrations by Yoco Nagamiya