ILLUSTRATIONBY ULLA PUGGAARD FT.COM/MAGAZINE OCTOBER19/202019

[email protected]; @gilliantett

Bushnell divorc ed,sheexperimentedwithsites

such as Tinder (apparentlyfull of younger men

chasingolderwomen),beforeeventuallybump-

ingintoanew64-year-old“boyfriend”ataparty.

Butsearchingforromanceisnolongerthestress-

fulcompetitivesportthatitwasinthetelevision

series, perhapsbecause thereisl essexpecta-

tion ofahappyending. “In middle-ageddating

andbeyond, people aren’t partnering up to get

alife,”she observes.“Theyalread yhavealife –

childrenandexesandparentsandwork–sot his

time round arelationship is about enhancing

yourlife.”Amen–andhooray.

C

ynics might argue that thisver-

sion ofevents onlyappliestot he

minority ofpeople who arelucky

enoughtobefinanciallyandemo-

tionallyself-sufficient.Fair point:

Bushnell livesinaworldthat is

elite by most American standards

(asdo I). But whenyoulookback

at the wider sweepofh istory,the

factist hat mostwestern women

toda y–eliteornot–havelivesthat

look far morepleasant than their

forebearscouldhaveimagined.

Evenasr ecentlyash alfacenturyago,divorced

womenof50didnotusuallyhavemanyoptionsin

termsofjobs,letalonethechancetobuyahome,

redefinethemselvesord ateyoungermen(going

“cubbing”, to use the currentNewYork lingo).

Nordomiddle-agedwomen todayinmost parts

of the non-western world have many choices.

(I spent time earlier in my careerinp lacessuch

as Pakistan andTajikistan, whereunmarried

womentendtohavebrutallylimitedoptions.)

So,yes,the generationreared onSexandthe

Citymight sometimesliketomoan about life

with girlfriendsoverbrunch;and yes, it can

sometimesfeeltough to juggle the stressesof

middle age, as Bushnell artfullydescribes.But

many of those arechallengesborn of luxury –

at least compared historicallywith the livesof

99percentofmiddle-agedwomen.

The factthat Bushnell has managedtow rite

herbookasking“Istherestillse xint hecity?”is

not justatestament to the miraclesofm odern

medicine, butanew form of feminism aswell.

So perhaps another secret to enjoyingavibrant

middleageasawoman–whethersingle,divorc ed

or dating–istofeelthankfulfor that. Evenif

gratitudedoesnotalwaysmakeforgreatTV.

T

wentyyearsago,Idevelopedalove-

haterelationshipwiththetelevision

seriesSexandthe City.Back then,

likemany women in their twen-

tiesand thirties, Iwas mesmerised

by this saga ofNewYork dating,

friendship,fashion and career

dramas,basedonabookbyt hecol-

umnistCandaceBushnell.

But Ialso found it irritating that

the fo ur sassywome ninthe show

were so obsessedbymen that they

rarel ydiscussedanything else. “Is thisreally

what feminism is about?”Iwould sometimes

grumble to my female friends,beforeswitching

ontheTVforthenextaddictiveSATCfix.

Now,having recentlyturned60, Bushnell is

back and giving the idea of female friendship

an intriguing new twist.Post-SA TC,her ownlife

did not always stick to the script: she divorc ed

from her“MrBig”and became soexhausted

with Manhattan that she left for the country-

side. But sheremains fascinatedbyt he dating

game and has nowwrittenIs Ther eStill Sex

in the City?,which looks at what happens

whenamiddle-agedfemale divorc ee embarks

onromance.

Insomesenses,thisisgrimstuff.Bushnellhas

realisedthat men of her vintage frequentlylike

todateyoungerwomen.Shehasalsodiscovered

thatmiddle-ageddivorceisoftencostly;somuch

so that“in many cases[divorc ed women]go

back to the same social andeconomic situation

that theyspend all of their thirtiesand forties

tryingtocrawloutof”.

Someofher older,single femalefriends

struggle to find an income.Others grapplewith

illness.ManysufferfromboutsofwhatBushnell

describesas“Middle-AgedMadness”, awrench-

ingperiodofa nxietyaboutdashedexpectations.

“Thereare psychic moments in MAM that will

makeyou want to scream,”she writes. “When

youstareinthe mirror and seeno reason for

goingon.”

Yetdespite this litany ofwoes,Ifound

Bushnell’sbookrather cheering,ifn ot life-

affirming–eventhoughIhavealso passedthat

50-year-old mark, live in NewYorkand am

single.Forwhat her account shows is that if

women (or men) can accept that life does not

followan expectedscript, theycan discovera

newsenseofindependenceandthejoyofl earn-

ingtoliveonyourownterms.

Thisispartlybecausefemalefriendscanbeas

important(ifnotmorecrucial)inmiddleageas

when youare in your thirties. It is alsobecause

avocation or passion can deliverhuge pleasure

in la ter life. Then thereare simple pleasures to

relish. By the age of 60,for example, bikerides

canbeasthrillingasendlessshopping,Bushnell

notes, which was certainlynot amessage of the

originalTVseries.

Anotherpositive surprise is that dating

becomesfar morerelaxing in later life. After

‘Searchingfor romanceisno

longer thecompetit ivesportit

wasin theTVs eries;there’sless

expectationofahappyending’

GILLIAN

TETT

PARTING SHOT

Sex,middleage

andthecity