of Cosmo readers who
asked for counseling
h a v e h a d t o w a i t m o r e
than a week to get it.61
%116
Cosmopolitan November 2019In August 2016, when she
landed on the leafy, almost
comically picture-perfect
campus of Ithaca College
in upstate New York,
Makai probably seemed,
to the other freshmen, like
she was doing just fine.
She fell in quickly with a core group of
f r ie nd s , a nd s o on t he y we r e w a t ch i n g
TV in the lounge, cruising to house
parties, and venturing over the hill to
frats at neighboring Cornell.
No one could see that Makai was
completely spinning out.
She sometimes got so gripped by
social anxiety that she could barely
form sentences. Sitting with her new
friends in class or eating in the dining
hall, she could feel her heart racing so
fast that it made her dizzy. Her new
c r e w w a s j u s t s o for e i g n , s o E a s t C o a s t ,
with their preppy clothes and still-
married parents, whereas Makai,
who was raised by her mom after her
parents divorced, wore the thrift-store
sweaters that had fit in perfectly at her
artsy California high school.
She’d never partied so much. She’d
never felt so on display, like her sexual
worth was being assessed by guys
every time she walked into a room.
She went along with it, but keeping up
the cool-girl charade was exhausting.
After going out every night for
weeks, Makai got so overwhelmed, so
tired of it all, that she locked the door to
her room and didn’t come out for days.
Holed up in bed, she pretended to be
sleeping to avoid her friends’ texts.
She didn’t want anyone to see she was
suffering. She didn’t want to be known
as the girl with mental illness.
Makai had had anxiety and depres-
sion for years, diagnosed when she
started seeing therapists at age 14. She
was still on prescription meds, but now
s he wonde r e d i f t he y we r e e ve n work-
ing. She had always planned to seek
help once she got to campus. She just
didn’t know how quickly, or how
urgently, she’d need it.
In late September, feeling desperate,
she called psychological services.A woman on the phone told her, “Some-
one w i l l b e i n t ouch t o b o ok a n a p p oi nt-
ment.” But for two weeks, no one called.
When her phone finally did buzz, it was
a n i nt a ke p e r s on a s k i n g a b o ut he r
symptoms and medical history, who
then said she’d have to wait three more
weeks to see an actual therapist.
In October, a guy Makai liked, who
seemed to like her back, hooked up
with one of her friends. Needing to
escape from everyone and everything,
Makai retreated to a spot behind the
dorm where she sometimes sat to
think. Oh my god, she told herself.
This is really getting bad.
She hadn’t cut herself in almost two
years. But now, back in her dorm room,
she reached into her dresser drawer
and pulled out a Swiss Army knife.SOURCE: COSMO POLL