wellness
40 CalmMoment.com
A
fter moving in together and then listing
everything her boyfriend was doing to
annoy her, I gently pointed out something
to my friend. “Has it occurred to you that he might
find things that you do annoying?” It hadn’t. Her
issue is highly prevalent and something that causes
some people to question relationships, or end them.
“If it were me...” thinking drives a lot of our
attitude to others. When we experience repeated
tension and friction with a loved one, it’s often
because we’ve slipped into a power struggle. Us
humans are rather fond of control. We tend to think
that how we see and do things is how others should
too. This is why, for example, we people-please and
why we feel wounded when people don’t live up to
the picture we’ve painted in our mind.
Relationships have five possible stages. Stage 0 is
the beginning, before the first date. Stage 1 is dating
and the initial getting to know. Stage 2 is where you
establish that you’re in a relationship and stage 3 is
where the relationship evolves and continues to
deepen in intimacy and commitments. Stage 4 is
where you’re basically in it for the long haul. The
stages are based on intimacy, not time or titles. Do
you know where many relationships get stuck or
come to an end due to power struggles? Stage 2.
While all relationships require vulnerability to
grow and succeed, getting to know somebody is
where we’re on double duty. And it’s right around
this time that we might dig in our heels in an
attempt to protect ourselves. When one or both
parties have a do-it-my-way attitude, a power
struggle ensues until they’re both willing to share
the wheel of the relationship.
Tension over who’s doing what and how are
metaphors for fear of vulnerability. We only try to
control others because we’re afraid of something,
and because it’s habit. The power struggle has the
task of waking us up to the baggage that’s driving
us so that we can show up more consciously.
Loading the dishwasher differently, leaving their
honking gym gear at the side of the laundry basket,
or being super-chill while we’re losing our mindThe power of love
Most of us are rather fond of control so when we experience friction with
a loved one, it’s often because we’ve slipped into a power struggleabout being late messes with our sense of order.
If, for example, we relied heavily on routine and
order to manage anxiety in past relationships, their
habits will freak us out. If a parent ran a tight ship
and was always on our case, we might not realise
how much this has rubbed off on us until we’re
treating our partner like an uncooperative teenager.
When we have to deal with a separate entity
with their own needs, desires, expectations,
feelings and opinions, despite falling for them for
various reasons, we want them to fit neatly into our
boxes. If we can turn them into our clone or treat
them like somebody else we’re used to dealing with,
we don’t have to get out of our comfort zone. We
also focus heavily on being ‘right’ and ‘winning’.
Even though we might be out of the getting-to-
know-you woods, power struggles do pop up in
long-established relationships. We have to take
these as calling cards to dig deep and talk about
what’s really on our mind. Often, we’re doing it
because we feel out of control of something else.
This is where we can evaluate the situation. Where
are we using the power struggle to avoid intimacy?
Are we taking frustration about someone else out
on our partner? If we feel out of control with an
overbearing parent, controlling our partner isn’t
going to fix that! It’s more productive for us to get
honest with ourselves.
Ultimately, it’s not about who’s right but what’s
right for the relationship. It’s not about their way
or your way, it’s about the way of the relationship.
This is why relationships are co-created; they’re
a collaboration, not a wrestle for power.Natalie Lue is the author of
five books aimed at helping
overachievers and people-
pleasers break unhealthy habits.
She has been writing her blog
baggagereclaim.com for 13 years.
Follow her on Insta @natlueWords: Natalie Lue