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ED.mandates,” says Cohan, but she confesses she has
always been relationship-oriented. “We have no
immediate plans to minimize the distance and move
in together, nor do we have plans to marry, and
we are fully committed for the long haul. We feel
more connected and married in all the best ways.”
The two have exchanged rings, are each other’s
beneficiaries and call each other husband and wife.
While they acknowledge such an arrangement isn’t
for everyone, Cohan describes their relationship
as “easy” and “fun,” and both she and Robertson
say it never feels like work.
“When we are with each other, we are truly with
each other,” says Cohan. “It’s a relationship that
embodies freedom and connection, and it requires
deep trust and emotional reliability.” Cohan and
Robertson agree that their relationship has taught
them not to sweat the small stuff because when
you see your partner only a few times a week, you
have to learn to let go of certain things and focus
on what’s truly important.
Everyone interviewed for this article said that
the key to any LAT relationship is weekly rituals
that both partners must prioritize. Janice Booth,
who describes her 11-year union as a “close-distance
relationship,” uses a scheduling app to put plans into
writing. Date nights, video chats, dinners, movies
on the sofa, you name it—all are non-negotiable
and paramount to her LAT’s success. “I’ve found
we have a greater appreciation for each other,” she
says. “Not being together every moment of every
day makes us more grateful for our time together.
There are very few things that can get in the way
of ou r schedu led pl a n s. We ju st wa nt to m a ke ever y
moment together count.”
Tr icia
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, who describes herself as “fiercelycareer-oriented,” likes having a place where she can
be her authentic self without reprimand or guilt.
“If I want to watch Housewives and order myself
enough sushi to feed a family, I can.” An account
executive in Toronto, Tricia met her boyfriend
of five years at the agency where they both work.
She’s just as focused on her work today as she was
then. “I often send emails from bed until the early
hours of the morning,” she says. “I know it would
drive [my boyfriend] nuts if he were here. But the
beauty is he’s not.”
The growing appeal of LATs is proof that the
social mores surrounding partnerships continue
to evolve. As author bell hooks brilliantly wrote:
“ K now i ng how to b e sol it a r y i s cent r a l to t he a r t of
loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others
without using them as a shield.” Since splitting
from my fiancée, I’ve learned more about myself
than I ever thought possible. I left my hometown
for the city and have met people who don’t feel
tied to conventional ideals. I’ve never been more
confident about navigating future relationships.
Instead of working on a relationship, I’ve learned
that the best approach is to make the relationship
work for you. And maybe going LAT is the way
to achieve that.
moment generally regarded as an exciting step
forward—marked the beginning of the end. By the
time she left our home two years later and we had
settled with lawyers, the house was a symbol of the
split and I couldn’t sell it quickly enough. After that,
I vowed to never again live with somebody I love.
Though Gwyneth Paltrow recently moved in
with new husband Brad Falchuk, it took almost
a whole year for her to do so. Several months
ago, Paltrow even bragged about how she and
Falchuk lived in separate residences, adding, “All
my married friends say that the
way we live sounds ideal and we
shouldn’t change a thing.” I wish
them well.
But LAT is something many
Canadians are em bracing.
According to Statistics Canada,
9 percent of Canadian couples are
“living apart together” (LAT). Of
this number, four in five live in the
same province, and most of that
number live within 20 kilometres
of each other.
It’s a particularly popular trend
among millennials, says filmmaker
Sharon Hyman, who directed the LAT documen-
tary Apartners. Hyman found that millennials
choose this living situation because they value their
independence and don’t feel pressured to adhere
to societal norms.
“It’s really about finding out what is right for you,
regardless of what society dictates,” says Hyman.
“These types of relationships have always existed
in many cultures; it’s just that they were perhaps
not spoken of as publicly. Similar to how there have
a lway s been sa me -sex rel at ion sh ips , but t hey were
not always out in the open.”
For younger couples, the choice to be together
but live apart is often due to work or the fact that
they can’t afford to move out of their parents’ homes,
whereas for older couples, one of the most common
reasons is the desire to remain independent after
divorce. They don’t want to give up their autonomy
and aren’t interested in starting over.
Up until about 200 years ago, marriage had
little to do with love. It was more about property
ownership, keeping family lines intact, financial
assistance and protection from harm. For thousands
of years, spouses were more like colleagues who
produced the food, clothing and shelter required
to survive. “What we think of as a ‘normal rela-
tionship’ is just the norm for one particular culture
in one particular era,” says Hyman. But despite
what history has shown us, LAT couples are often
accused of being less committed.
Deborah Cohan and her partner, Mike
Robertson, both professional academics in South
Carolina, met seven years ago and have always
lived two hours apart. “I was never the sort of
woman who felt an imperative to marry and have
children, and I’ve long questioned those cultural
“Not being
together every
moment of
every day
makes us more
grateful for our
time together.”
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