4

I spend a lot of time flying

and driving to get to regional

theatres and arts centres

around Australia, but I love

it. Regional audiences are the

best. I crochet now to help

pass the time (only when I’m

flying, obviously, not driving).

I’m constantly astounded

by my appalling sense of

direction. I can’t even follow

a GPS. I once took three

and a half hours to drive from

Melbourne to Bendigo with

the GPS constantly telling

me to “make a U-turn and

proceed to the route”. I was

so exasperated by the time I arrived that

I taped the GPS under a seat and gave it

away that night as a lucky door prize.

When I’m travellingfor work or with

someone else, I’m never late to the airport.

But if it’s a personal trip and I’m travelling

solo, I’m always late. I’ve even missed a few

planes, which is about the dumbest, most

expensive thing you can do.

I always overpack.I never use at least half

of what’s inmy suitcase. The one thing

I always pack that I always use is a satin

pillowcase – I sound like a crazy old lady

from the ’50s, but it really stops your hair

getting tufty and your face getting creased.

My first overseas trip was to Baliwith two

girls from work. I was 19 and incredibly

naïve. I don’t think I’d ever seen people

that drunk before.

Soon after that I travelled to Boliviaand

had my pocket picked by a street kid.

I turned the story into a standup joke

that’s still one of my favourites, but I don’t

think I’d have the balls to do it now – it

was pretty mean and involved me kicking

down the kid’s cardboard house. (I didn’t,

by the way – it was just a joke.)

My sister is my ideal travel companion.

She’s easy-going and lets me plan stuff.

We both travel a lot for work so when

it comes to holidays we don’t want to

struggle with language or terrain or

heat. We like swanky city holidays with

a nice temperate climate. No trekking or

“adventure”. Just good food, a bar nearby

that makes a great Margarita and a bit of

shopping. Oh, I know – hello princess!

I love Europe. All of it.But Paris is my

favourite because I have a cousin who lives

there and speaks “attitude” like a Parisian.

When a waiter tells me not to sit in a

certain area, I leap up like a scalded cat

and run out of the café. When a waiter tells

her not to sit somewhere, she waves her

hand, says, “Pfff” – which I think is French

for “whatever” – and tells him to get her

a coffee. And he does. It’s awesome.

Years of travelling have made me awareof

the power of language. I’ve made several

attempts at learning Spanish but came

a cropper in the Canary Islands when

I wanted to go horseriding. I mangled the

word for horses, “caballos”, and asked the

concierge instead for “caballeros”. What

I announced, with great confidence, was

that I wanted to ride some gentlemen.●

How I travel

Kitty Flanagan’s new book,Bridge

Burning and Other Hobbies(Allen

& Unwin, pbk $29.99), is out now.

Kitty

Flanagan

The navigationally challenged

comedian hits the road with

her cat and a crochet hook.

TRAVELLING WITH

34 GOURMET TRAVELLER

Just back from...

A month at

Brunswick Heads.

I took a road trip

with my dog and

cat. Believe it or

not, my cat travels

extremely well.

Next up...

Adelaide, my

favourite festival

city – and it has

zero humidity.