The Washington Post - 05.09.2019

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thursday, september

5

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a fun time that she started coming to

the front week after week,” she says.

“She re-framed herself as a leader

and didn’t get into any more fights

with her siblings for the rest of the

year.”

At Fulton Middle School in Mis-

souri, students are part of the teach-

er interview panel, says Beth Houf,

the school’s principal and author of

“Lead Like a Pirate: Make School

Amazing for Your Students and

Staff.” “Kids who have a voice at the

table feel ownership, and t hey’re less

likely to tear down systems they

helped build,” she explains.

Parents can encourage kids to

take on more responsibility, too.

Help your child brainstorm ideas,

whether it’s starting a babysitting

business, preparing a family meal or

helping a younger sibling with

homework.

Help them with self-identity

Tweens are trying to figure out

who they are and whether they’re

good enough at a time when they

most want to fit in. They can be

intolerant of any differences, includ-

ing their own, and they need safe

spaces where they can explore sa-

lient aspects of their identity — such

as their race or sexual identity —

with peers who relate.

In one survey, the Gay, Lesbian &

Straight Education Network found

that students who attend a middle

school with a gender and sexuality

alliance hear 20 percent fewer ho-

mophobic remarks, feel 29 percent

safer and are 48 percent less likely to

be bullied. Affinity groups foster

inclusion and acceptance for every-

one.

Middle schoolers are more self-

accepting when they understand ev-

eryone has a backstory, but that can

only happen if they leave their social

comfort zones. Schools can accom-

plish this by mixing up lunch room

seating, says Joanna Lee Williams,

an associate professor of education

at the University of Virginia, “but it

needs to be intentional so it’s not

sorted stereotypically with gamer

kids at one table and sporty kids at

another.”

Parents also can instill a positive

identity. Show your child images of

beauty, power and intelligence that

relate to or look like them, and talk

about the origin of their name,

meaningful family rituals and favor-

ite family recipes. Then ask yourself:

“Who does my c hild see me befriend-

ing? Do my friends all look like me?”

If you model inclusion and avoid

stereotyping people, your child will

learn that everyone is worthy of

BY PHYLLIS FAGELL

“I just want to get my child

through eighth grade,” my friend Jon

told me. “I expected middle school to

be tough, but not this tough.” In

seventh grade, his daughter’s f riends

shunned her when she broke up with

a boy who told everyone she had

fabricated the relationship. “It was

the p erfect storm, t he kind of experi-

ence that toys with a middle school-

er’s self-worth,” J on said.

Stories like this perpetuate the

cultural narrative that middle

school is a time of social churn and

suffering, but they paint an incom-

plete picture. Yes, tweens can be

impulsive, insensitive and mean, but

they also are empathetic, attuned to

injustice and wired for moral action.

As a school counselor, I know

many parents feel powerless to help,

but this isn’t a phase to sit out,

especially because middle schools

are often misaligned with tweens’

needs to belong, assert autonomy,

connect, establish a positive self-

identity and exercise independence.

“Suddenly, there may be no more

recess or choice time; they’re going

from teacher to teacher with new

sets of peers; and they’re feeling

more achievement pressure,” ex-

plains Nancy Deutsch, director of

the Youth-Nex Center at the Univer-

sity of Virginia and a leader of the

Remaking Middle School Initiative,

a national movement to improve

middle school.

The data shows these efforts are

critical. Kids’ self-esteem, creativity

and academic engagement all take a

hit during these years. Girls’ confi-

dence levels, in particular, drop

30 percent between ages eight and

14, according to a YPulse study, and

researchers reported in the Journal

of Early Adolescence that starting a

new school in sixth or seventh grade

negatively affects students’ motiva-

tion and academic self-identity.

As momentum builds to trans-

form middle school, here are seven

ways parents and educators can

work within the existing model to

better address tweens’ distinct

needs and soften their journey.

Trust them with responsibility

When tweens are given responsi-

bility, it improves their self-percep-

tion. Megan Vroman, principal of

Ida B. Wells Middle School in the

District, told me about an eighth-

grade girl who got into a big fight

with her younger siblings in front of

the school and whose consequence

was to greet younger students at the

front door for a week. “She had such

respect — including themselves.

Give them ways to serve

Tweens are less likely to focus on

perceived social slights or their own

imperfections when they’re looking

outward and serving others. Volun-

teering also appeals to tweens’ de-

sire to make a difference.

Vroman said that when she took a

group of middle school students to

Europe, they were grumpy and com-

plained incessantly. “They didn’t

want to walk around the Louvre

Museum because their feet hurt,”

she says. The night before they left,

the group decided to give their left-

over food from dinner to homeless

people they passed on the street.

“The students came alive in a

totally different way — it was some-

thing I hadn’t seen all trip,” Vroman

recalls. “They didn’t speak the lan-

guage and there were so many barri-

ers, but they were so excited to serve.

Middle schools need to reinforce

that kids are not too young to make a

difference, and then infuse that

throughout the school.”

At home, talk to your child about

problems they’ve observed, and help

them engage in volunteer work that

appeals to them.

Foster relationships with adults

Tweens benefit from consistent

relationships with sensitive adults,

but they may have to start from

scratch in middle school. “It was a

big shock for my son after having

one teacher and one classroom in

elementary school,” s ays Te ru Clavel,

the author of “World Class: One

Mother’s Journey Halfway Around

the Globe in Search of the Best

Education for her Children.” “He

would say, ‘I have no adult go-to

person, the counselor only knows

the disciplinary cases, and I’m a

number floating in a sea.’ ”

In a typical middle school, “kids

are less likely to believe their teach-

ers care about them, feel less con-

nected socially and their achieve-

ment a ctually d eclines,” notes R obert

Dodd, the principal of Walt Whitman

High School in Bethesda. He started

Project SUCCESS in Montgomery

County Public Schools to enable

some middle schoolers to spend half

their day with one teacher and a

consistent group of peers.

Casey Siddons, a former t eacher i n

the program, found that spending

concentrated time with students al-

lowed him to understand and help

them. One student had a history of

clashing with adults, but Siddons

was able to tap into his desire to

please his mother, a single parent. “I

Middle

school

is hard.

Adults

can

make it

easier.

Famil y