Section:GDN 1N PaGe:9 Edition Date:190906 Edition:01 Zone: Sent at 5/9/2019 20:55 cYanmaGentaYellowbla
Friday 6 September 2019 The Guardian •
9Sketch
John CraceA fl ashback, a stumble,
and the World King
dies on his feet, not in
a ditch. Classic Dom
T
hese are the days of miracle and wonder.
The country laughed when Theresa May
promised “strong and stable” leadership.
Now it’s beginning to wonder if she might
not have had a point. Classic Dom.
Boris Johnson’s speech at a police
academy in Wakefi eld was the shitshow to end all
shitshows. It made his dystopian performances at the
dispatch box look like models of sanity and coherence.
Even May’s P45, loss of voice and collapsing scenery at
the party conference wasn’t as excruciating to watch as
this. The Clown Prince out of his head. Acid? Heroin?
Cocaine? Or a cocktail of all three? If the UK is to be a
failed state, it has found its ideal leader. Classic Dom.
When half the country is shouting “Stop the coup!” in
protest at the PM shutting down parliament, choosing
to launch your election campaign surrounded by police
recruits is not the best of looks. Except this was Boris, a
man for whom other people are mere satellites orbiting
his sun. What followed was a full-on breakdown.
Most leaders at least turn up with a speech they have
prepared. Johnson prefers to wing it. He was pleased
to be wherever it was he had come to. Ah yes, he
thought, for the fi rst time noticing the grim faces of the
policemen and women he’d kept waiting for more than
an hour: police. We needed more of them. Especially if
he was going to waste their time like this. Classic Dom.
“I used to be ... ” His voice tailed off. Boris couldn’t
remember what it was he used to be. Prime minister?
Surely not. Then he had a
fl ashback. A wild hallucination of
an incriminating laptop and wine
stains on the carpet. The last time
he had been surrounded by so many
police. Classic Dom. Johnson started
rambling, trying to navigate a way
back to the present. A caution.
That’s what the police had done
when he’d been collared. “Um ...
er ... ” he said. How did it go again?
“You do not have to say anything
... um ... you know how it goes,
don’t you?” he continued, turning
round to ask the police lined up behind him. “If you fail
to mention ... shomefi ng on swhich shoo later rely”. By
now he was slurring every other word. Classic Dom.
What happened next? That was it: questions, almost
all of which focused on the resignation of his brother.
If he couldn’t even keep Jo in the party , what chance
did he have of gaining the trust of the country? Finally
he managed something approaching a sentence. “My
brother has been a fantastic ... ” What was the job
he he’d given his brother? His mind was blank. Say
something, Boris, he told himself. Anything. “Science
minister.” Shit. He knew he’d got it wrong. Anyway,
who cared? Since when did a Johnson ever have a fi t of
conscience? It would tarnish the brand. Classic Dom.
Johnson continued ad-libbing. He’d die in a ditch
if Britain wasn’t out of the EU by 31 October. Probably
preferable to dying on his feet. Then he heard a noise
behind him and turned round. A policewoman had
collapsed. He shrugged, took a sip of water, and carried
on talking. She needed to toughen up a bit. Post-Brexit
Britain was no place for the weak. Besides, his need was
greater. He was the World King. And if she died, he could
always just call up 20,001 new recruits. Classic Dom.
The drugs began to wear off and Johnson stumbled
indoors. “You nailed it,” said Dom and Dommer. “You
were so bad you were brilliant. We’ve got them exactly
where we want them.” Classic, classic Dom.When half the country
is shouting ‘Stop the
coup!’ ... launching
your campaign
surrounded by police
is not the best of looksDescribed by one commentator
and Dallas afi cionado as Bobby
Ewing to Boris’s “charismatic,
naughty JR”, Jo has long concealed
any rivalry, even if others have
suggested that the more quietly
spoken brother would have taken
some satisfaction from being the
fi rst Johnson in Downing Street, as
well as graduat ing from Oxford with
a fi rst-class degree in modern history
while the future prime minister
obtained a 2:1 in classics.
By the time Jo quit Theresa May’s
cabinet in November last year,
calling for the public to have a fresh
say on Brexit, some onlookers even
envisaged that a struggle between
the brothers could shift to a battle
for the job of prime minister.
While Boris occupied the position
of foreign secretary and enjoyed
a near-cult following among
some in the party grassroots, to
some moderate Tories anxiously
looking at the demographic trends
threatening the party, Jo presented
a way to reconnect with younger
voters, remainers or those repelled
by his brother’s inconsistent
relationship with the truth and
accusations of racism.
On Jo ’s second dramatic exit
from government, and with the
axis of power in the Tory party now
having shifted defi nitively to the
hard Brexit er right, such a scenario
appears as distant as the hazy days
spent by the Johnsons in what was to
become the heart of the EU.
Boris
Johnson leaves
a society party
with his sister,
Rachel in 1985
Jo, Leo and
Boris Johnson
with their father,
Stanley, and
half-brother,
Max, in 2010
▲ Boris and his
father campaign
in 2005
▼ Left, Boris
with Rachel
and his mother,
Charlotte, in2014. Below,
Jo joins Boris’s
leadership
campaign
PHOTOGRAPHS:
STEVE BACK/REX/
SHUTTERSTOCK;
ROB TIBBLES/APEX;
MARC HILL/APEX;
DAVID BENETT/
GETTY; ANDREW
PARSONS/I-IMAGES
Daniel Boff ey
BrusselsBoris Johnson has told Brussels he
wants to rewrite the defence pledges
in the current Brexit deal, sparking EU
fears that he will use the security of
Europe as a bargaining chip.
A demand for looser cooperation
was made by Johnson’s envoy, David
Frost , during recent talks with Euro-
pean commission negotiators. The UK
is arguably the EU’s strongest defence
power, and one of only two states,
alongside France, possessing the “ full
spectrum” of military capabilities.
Senior Conservatives, including
Nick Timothy, Theresa May’s former
chief of staff who is now a Johnson
supporter, have long suggested that
the British government should use its
defence capability as leverage to gain
concessions from the EU on trade.
The current political declaration
contains a commitment to “close
cooperation in union-led crisis man-
agement missions and operations,
both civilian and military”.
It is understood the British gov-
ernment is insisting that any future
deal must contain structures that will
maintain British sovereign control
over how its defence assets are used.
It is argued that the current political
declaration does not go far enough in
protecting its interests.Amy WalkerBoris Johnson must reinstate the
21 ousted Conservative MPs or risk
the party being reduced to a “mean-
minded sect”, the former prime
minister Sir John Major was expected
to say last night.
According to a text released before
his speech at a CBI dinner in Glasgow,
Major also took aim at Johnson’s advis-
ers, including Dominic Cummings ,
saying they might “poison the polit-
ical atmosphere beyond repair”.
“The legitimate concerns of those
who have been banished from the
party [...] seem to be worth nothing –
unless they become cyphers, parroting
the views of a prime minister infl u-
enced by a political anarchist, who
cares not a fi g for the future of the party
I have served,” Major was scheduled
to say. “We have seen over-mighty
advisers before. It is a familiar script.
It always ends badly. I off er the prime
minister some friendly advice: get rid
of these advisers before they poisonA UK source said: “The future rela-
tionship should include a security
relationship that will enable the UK
and the EU to jointly combat shared
threats faced by our citizens domes-
tically and abroad.”
EU diplomats suggested Johnson
was establishing a tough line on mili-
tary cooperation in the hope of trading
it for concessions elsewhere. “It looks
like they are seeking leverage,” said
one diplomat. Other senior offi cials
said they regarded the demand as
being part of a broader move to make
a “clean break” from the EU.
Frost has emphasised the UK gov-
ernment’s wish to ditch Theresa May’s
goal of the closest possible economic
relationship and frictionless trade
for a looser deal on regulatory align-
ment, which will create some barriers
to trade but give the UK greater free-
dom in striking global trade deals.
Philippe Lamberts, a Belgian MEP
on the European parliament’s Brexit
steering group, said Johnson was mis-
taken if he believed the UK could use
military strength to blackmail the EU.
He said: “It won’t work. I am sure it
wouldn’t have worked if they had tried
this two years ago. If they believe they
are going to get us to compromise on
the Irish backstop or the single mar-
ket just for defence cooperation, they
are wrong. ”Defence
PM reopens
debate on EU
military ties
John Major
Tories risk
becoming
‘mean sect’
the political atmosphere beyond
repair. And do it quickly.”
Prominent MPs including former
chancellors Philip Hammond and Ken
Clarke, Winston Churchill’s grandson
Nicholas Soames and ex-Tory leader-
ship contender Rory Stewart were
among those who had the whip with-
drawn on Tuesday after they backed
moves to stop a no-deal Brexit.
But Major encouraged the prime
minister to invite back those he had
eff ectively sacked. “Reinstate those
members of parliament you have
expelled because, without them – and
others like them – we will cease to be
a broad-based national party, and be
seen as a mean-minded sect.”
Major, a committed remainer, sup-
ported the legal campaigner Gina
Miller in her high court challenge ear-
lier yesterday to thwart the suspension
of parliament. In a previous attack on
Johnson’s decision to prorogue parlia-
ment, Major described it as “utterly,
utterly and completely the wrong way
to proceed”.
While he will renew his warnings of
the “pernicious eff ects” Brexit could
have on the future of the nation, Major
also used the speech to warn of the
possible consequences if Scotland
were to seek independence.
“The English nationalists aff ect
not to care about separation. They
care more about leaving Europe. But
the collapse of unionism in England,
and ambition for independence in
Scotland, could lead to a calamitous
outcome for us both,” he said.▲ The UK is one of two EU states with
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