Kristin Neff has been thinking
a lot about traditional gender
roles, and how they can block
self-compassion. Neff is a
professor of human develop-
ment and culture at the Uni-
versity of Texas at Austin, and
the world’s foremost research
expert on self-compassion.
Men think self-compas-
sion is about being soft
and nurturing, and that it’s
something that will “under-
mine your strength,” says
Neff. “For women, we have
a little less self-compassion
than men do.” Women thinkMirabai Bush has watched the mind-
fulness world change gradually over
her almost-fifty years as a leader in
the field. She’s a long-time activist,
cofounder of the Center for Contempla-
tive Mind in Society, a key contributor
to Google’s Search Inside Yourself Pro-
gram, author of many books, including
Compassion in Action, Workin g with
Mindfulness, and more.
“Let us just say that many of the bar-
riers to women leading a really fulfilled
life and making the best contribution
they can in all areas of life, they’re there
for women teaching mindfulness, too.
Patriarchy is really deeply embedded in
our culture. Things are changing, but it
sure was difficult in the beginning.”
Bush thinks back to her early days
as a young meditation student in India,
encountering monasteries full of men, and
all-male meditation teachers. “We didn’t
see any models of how you brought a
female awareness into how you’d do these
practices,” she notes. Such an awareness
is crucial, of course, “in order to bring
these teachings into everyday life.”
Bush believes we have to look for ways
to be women in community. “We can’t
do it alone. We really need each other.
Our lives are busy and full, yet we’re still
struggling with the individualism that’s
promoted through capitalism. There
aren’t as many structures for us to even
find community.” Bush adds, sometimes
all it takes to make a profound change
in your sense of community is one good
friend “with whom you can talk about
what you’re learning and what you’re
struggling with.”MIRABAI BUSH
Keep Listening
and Find Your
Community
that self-compassion is about
being selfish. “Women are
always supposed to focus on
others, be kind to others, take
care of others, and it just feels
selfish to do it for ourselves.”
So these days, Neff is
thinking more in terms of
balance. “In some ways
masculine and feminine
don’t really mean that much,
they’re constructs. But there’s
something they point to—the
nurturing, the tenderness,
the openness.” That’s the
feminine side. “The protec-
tion, mama-bear energy,
fierce compassion.” That’s
the masculine side. “Everyone
needs both,” says Neff.
The next phase of Neff’s
work is focused on helping
men and women integrate
these (conventionally) femi-
nine and masculine elements
of compassion. “Women
are not really allowed to be
fierce, we’re not allowed to
be so active, and men are
not allowed to be tender and
warm with themselves. So
the next phase of my work will
be about how to help people
integrate.”Love Your
Imperfect Self
KRISTIN NEFF
“Women are not
really allowed to be fierce,
we’re not allowed to be so
active, and men are not
allowed to be tender and
warm with themselves.”KRISTIN NEFF40 mindful August 2019leadership