28 The Australian Women’s Weekly | OCTOBER 2019
abouttheindividualandmoreabout
thecommunity.“‘WhoamI connected
to?WhodoI represent?WhodoI
carrywithme?’”Petrasays.“Itgoes
intothedeepsenseofplacethatcomes
withMa ̄ori,”Judisays.Thatspiritof
thelandis somethingweallshare,
shebelieves,andlearningthenative
languageof Aotearoahasonly
heightenedthesenseofbelongingshe
feelsasa NewZealander.
PelorusBridgein Marlboroughwas
whereJudi’sgrandfatheroncebuiltthe
familyhomesteadandranhisown
timbermill,andshewasthrilledto
learnitsbeautifulMa ̄oriname:Te
Hoiere.“It’ssoexcitingtome!I am
theriverandtheriveris me– I belong
totheriver,it’stheplaceI feelat one
with.Soforme,thejoyof TeReoand
thejourneywasunderstandingthe
connectionsandthefeelingandthe
belongingofmyland,mywhakapapa.
BecauseI’vealwaysfeltit wasmy
place,sinceI wasa child.”
“Doesit boilevenfurtherdownto an
innateneedwehaveto belongandto
connect?”Petrasays.“Wedesperately
desireintimacy,andit seemstobethe
hardestthing,becauseit’ssucha
vulnerableplace,tobeknownandto
beunderstood.Anda healthyfamily
canofferquitea goodversionofthat
- wealldesperatelydesiretobelong.”
TribalcultureslikeMa ̄oriseemto
havea greaterappreciationforthe
strengthofcommunity.“Itcomes
downtowhatwevalue,”Petrasays.
“Ourcurrentculturalsystemsaysthat
havinga lotof moneyandthenbeing
ableto getawayfromeveryoneis very
valuable.If youcanhavea bighouse,
withhighwallsandgates,andto be
ableto goawayonholidayandnotbe
botheredbyanybody,if youcanbe
completelyindependentandnotneed
anyonebecauseyoucanjustbuy
everything,that’s‘success’.Well,I’dsay
manyculturesaroundtheworldwould
callthattheantithesisof success.”
Bringingmultiplegenerationsof
familytogetherunderoneroof,
particularlywhentheoldergeneration
is havinghealthdifficulties,is another
culturalmodelthatMa ̄oriareoften
celebratedfor.It’salsoabouttobecome
a realityforPetra’sfamily,asJudiand
Daniellooktomovein withPetra,
Hamishandtheirthreechildren.
Ageingisn’taneasyprocessforany
ofus,andin AprilthisyearDaniel
suffereda seriesofhealthevents–
includinga badfallanda second
stroke– thathavelefta lastingimpact
onbothhisandJudi’slife.Henow
walkswitha caneandis adjustingto
lifewithouthisdriver’slicence.
Inmanyways,therippleeffects
ofthepastyeararestillmaking
themselvesknown.“IsupposeI
realisedrecently– veryrecently,
likelastweek– thatI’vebeen
in denial,” Judi says honestly. “I’ve been
trying to hide it from everyone and
pretend...” she pauses. “Pretend
everything is okay and it’s all just like it
was before,” Petra finishes.
Judi is in the situation so many of us
can relate to – when asked ‘how are
you?’, she’s often at a loss how to
respond. The reality of the situation is
complex and ever-changing; life is quieter
now, and more careful, because it has to
be. So when a long-time work colleague
recently asked Judi how she was, she
made the conscious decision to answer
truthfully. “I found it really helpful – it
made me realise, I’ve got to stop
pretending. Because it’s so massive and it
doesn’t matter how you prepare yourself,
each day or night is a different thing.”
So Judi and Daniel have sold their
house and are in the process of moving
into a rental while they renovate Petra
and Hamish’s garage into an apartment.
Daniel – sense of humour still
fantastically intact – now refers to
himself as a homeless cripple, Petra says.
It has been a challenging time for the
whole family. “It’s very stressful; there’s a
lot of loss,” Judi says. “But it’s not what
happens to you, it’s how you deal with it.
I’m not saying I’m a shining example of
how I’m dealing with it – it is very
challenging – but it’s the truth. Our
family and friends have been amazing –
I couldn’t do this on my own.”
“It’s a bit like learning Ma ̄ori though,
isn’t it, Mum?” Petra says. “Some days
we thought it’s too much, it’s too hard.”
Judi laughs. “Some days towards the
end I was hanging on by the skin of my
teeth... [but] I knew it was bigger than
me. You can’t always see the end, when
you’re in the middle; you’re bogged
down in the here and now. That’s the
process though, isn’t it? Just hanging
in there – we’ve all got to hang in there
on something.”
“Everybody needs people they can
trust, and drop the façade with,” Petra
says. “Because the job of pretending
that everything is okay is emotionally
expensive. And not everything has to
be achieved quickly – some things
are a process.”
“And, thank the Lord, we’re all
going through that process together,”
Judi says. AW W PETRA WEARS, P
25:
DRESS FROM HARRIS TAPPER, JEW
ELLERY PETRA’S OWN; P26 TOP AND PANTS FROM
MINA, EARRING
S ZOE AND MORGAN. P29: T
OP AND SKIRT FROM ZAMBESI, EARRINGS FROM
ZOE & MORGAN, RING PETRA’S OWN. JUDI WEARS,
P25: BL
OUSE FROM TAYLOR, TROUSERS FROM ZARA,
JEWELLERY JUDI’S OWN;
P29:
DRESS AND C
OAT FROM ZAMBESI, JEWELLERY JUDI’S OWN
Exclusive
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: Petra presenting
the 1998 NZ Music Awards with her Ice
TV co-hosts; visiting Lebanon last year in
her role as Tearfund NZ ambassador;
Breakfast with Corin Dann in 2011.