11
MDthe washington post
.
thursday, august22
,
2019Family
BY MEGHAN LEAHY
Q: I am going through a
rough divorce, and I have a
restraining order against my
ex. Despite that, the courts
gave him visitation with our
4-year-old every Wednesday
and every other weekend.
My son has been through
play therapy and still has
someone helping with
kindergarten prep for kids
exposed to trauma. In the
past year or so, when I ask
about his day, he says he
doesn’t want to talk. He used
to be very chatty, he just
wouldn’t talk much about
his time with his dad. Now
he won’t talk much about
school other than saying he
likes his new summer
program. I’ve tried
everything I can think of:
asking direct questions,
general questions, if he
wants to hear about my day
(usually he says yes). I’ve also
tried doing nothing at all.
I’m concerned his dad is
telling him not to tell me
anything (even if nothing
bad is going on there). I’m
trying to foster an open
environment and not
pressure him to talk. Do I
reach back out to his play
therapist with my concerns?
Try something else? If
something bad is happening
to my son, the courts in my
area likely won’t
acknowledge it if it’s just the
word of a 4-year-old without
physical proof. Even if
nothing bad is happening, I
want him to know he can
talk to me about anything.
A: There are so many details I
don’t know that it’s hard to
figure out where to begin. We
have a 4-year-old who has either
witnessed or been part of
trauma, making therapy
necessary. We have a timeline
I’m not totally sure of, but I’m
guessing this custody agreement
has been in effect for a year, and
your son has grown quieter
during that time? We have a boy
who was chatty and now isn’t.
And there is talk of something
“bad” that could be happening,
which could be anything from
physical or sexual or emotional
abuse to your ex simply
pressuring your son to stay quiet
when it comes to the divorce (or
all of the above).
If you suspect something is
happening to your son at his
dad’s house, you need to call
your lawyer and the therapist,
and then write everything down.
Dates of conversations, moods
after pickup, sleeping patterns,
eating habits, decreased interest
in play or other activities that
your son once enjoyed... you
name it. Though this is
exhausting, the more details, the
better.
Depression is rare for a 4-year-
old, but it isn’t uncommonamong children who have
witnessed, experienced or are
still experiencing trauma. Here
is a list of possible behaviors that
could point toward childhood
depression (your child doesn’t
have to exhibit all of these to be
depressed):- Irritability, anger or being
“on edge.” - Persistent feelings of sadness
or hopelessness. - Withdrawal from previously
enjoyed activities as well as from
friends and family. - Increased sensitivity to
rejection or criticism. - Changes in appetite (either
increased or decreased). - Changes in sleep
(sleeplessness or too much
sleep). - Crying or temper tantrums.
- Difficulty concentrating and
focusing. - Fatigue and low energy.
- Physical complaints (such as
stomachaches or headaches)
that do not respond to
treatment. - Reduced ability to function
during activities at home or with
friends, including in school,
extracurricular activities, and
other hobbies or interests.
- Feelings of worthlessness or
guilt. - Thoughts or talk of death or
suicide.
A 4-year-old is in the develop-
mental stage of the “here and
now” while also developing a
sense of self and opinions. He
isn’t able to fully articulate his
interior world, especially if a
primary attachment (his dad)
may be sending him conflicting
signals. Even if his father isn’t
hurting him, many children feel
deeply torn in divorce and cus-
tody issues; splitting loyalty be-
tween two primary attachments
is extraordinarily painful.
Because 4-year-olds are too
young to understand the com-
plexities of marriage, it is easy for
them to assume they’re part of
the problem. Because he has
been a witness to trauma, I
strongly recommend continuing
therapy, constant contact with
your lawyer, and frequent con-
versations with his teachers and
school counselors. I would like to
see every adult in your son’s life
put in a position to protect,
support and love him in a
healthy way.
As for right now, stay physical-
ly and emotionally close to him,
including cuddling, reading,
coloring, building, playing or
watching a show together. Do
anything you can that builds
connections, lights up his eyes,
makes him smile and helps him
relax. He may be afraid to talk to
you, or he may not even have the
words to communicate his emo-
tions.
Your daily, consistent and
compassionate warmth will
build an invisible bridge of sup-
port. You may not be able to see
the effects of your connection,
but the roots are there. Children
can make it through almost any
hardship when they have a deep
connection to someone who
loves them unconditionally. You
are laying this groundwork, so
don’t give up.
Good luck. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where you
can also find past columns. Her next
chat is scheduled for Aug. 28.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].ON PARENTING
After his parents’ messy divorce, a chatty 4-year-old clams up
WASHINGTON POST/PRISMA FILTER/ISTOCK