Section:GDN 12 PaGe:3 Edition Date:190829 Edition:01 Zone: Sent at 28/8/2019 17:22 cYanmaGentaYellowbla
- The Guardian
Thursday 29 August 2019 33
Adrian
Chiles
Regional pride
isn’t cool. That
is why I love
Birmingham
O
nce upon a time, when I was presenting The One
Show , I used to get asked – begged, even – to do Strictly
Come Dancing. On one occasion, a couple of channel
executives, who have since moved on, took me to
dinner to try to talk me into it. They even pulled out
glossy 10x8 photographs of the new professional
dancers. I am sure this wasn’t their intention – they were just trying
to enthuse me about the whole production – but to anyone looking on
from another table it must have looked as though they were inviting
me to take my pick.
There were more reasons for me not to do Strictly than there are
sequins on all the outfi ts of all the ballroom dancers in the whole
wide world. It is not so much the dancing itself. In fact, I am a quite
brilliant dancer. My problem is that I can do it only when no one is
watching – not even me. Seriou sly : I can’t even look at myself in the
mirror doing it. One day this summer, I was looking after my friend’s
cockapoo, Hugo, and, close though we are, I
couldn’t dance in front of him. I went to pieces.
But, home alone, shimmying around
beautifully, I know I am a simply superb
mover. It is just that, as soon as a set of eyeballs
alights on me, it is game over. As for actual
dancefl oors, I become paralysed with shame and
embarrassment, quite unable to move at all.
The thing I fi nd especially diffi cult is the
process of taking to the fl oor; the transition
between not dancing (ie walking) and dancing. It just seems ludicrous
to me , if not as ludicrous as the opposite transition, between dancing
and not dancing. Do you just stop abruptly? Or try to segue from a
dance to a walk? It is too much for me to contend with.
As I say, though, the problem with Strictly wouldn’t have been the
dancing. Given enough practice, I could have had a bash. A t least there
are defi nite starting and stopping points to every routine. No, it is all
the smiling that I couldn’t manage.
How do they do it? I fi nd it hard to smile at the best of times,
especially while I am concentrating. I do a lot of inward smiling, but
that is no good for anything but a scowly tango. A s for those outfi ts,
I can ’t abide anything see-through, tight or glittery. Just writing those
words has me goosefl eshing all over.
And one other thing: a famous young male TV presenter who had
previously been on Strictly once took me aside and
said: “Look, what you’ve got to understand is that
it’s impossible to be rubbing up so close to your
partner without getting aroused.”
I like to think this wouldn’t have been the case
with me. However, every time I hear that theme
music, a mental image of myself dad - dances
into view. I am smiling grotesquely, dancing
incompetently and plainly struggling with the, er,
tightness of my costume. It is horrible.
Anyway, back in the day, I ran the idea of going
on Strictly past my kids. “No, no, no,” they said.
“Absolutely not.” It was a good call.When I turn left out of the hotel
where I often stay in Manchester,
I pass a patch of derelict land
next to a pub. Written large on
the wall of this establishment
is some street art. The legend
reads: “ON THE SIXTH DAY GOD
CREATED MANCHESTER”.
Now, I don’t think he did,
but that is not my issue. While
I acknowledge that the artist’s
tongue may have been in his or
her cheek, it is the self - love that
does my head in. I really like
the city and the people. And,
as much as I am qualifi ed to
say what is cool and what isn’t,
the y are both pretty cool, too.
But cool people surely know
that the most uncool thing in
the world is bigging yourself up.
Most cities and regions do this
to some extent, but Manchester
is right up there with Yorkshire
on this one. Again, a genuinely
wonderful part of the world, urban
and rural – but do stop telling us,
please. How many times have you
heard someone from Yorkshire
say, as though they are paying
themselves the biggest compliment
ever , that they are “Yorkshire
through and through”? Meaning
what exactly? If a bloke walks into
a room and says : “Hey, everyone,
I’m really brilliant,” everyone in
th e room rolls their eyes. So why
would banging on about a place
be any diff erent?
For this reason, I won’t bang on
about my city, Birmingham, other
than to say that what is so great
about us is that we never bang
on about how great we are.
For many years, there
was a luminously brilliant
website that promot ed the
second city. Do look it up. It is
called birminghamitsnotshit.co.uk.
That is as much as we are
prepared to say in our own favour –
and that is what makes us the
greatest city on God’s green Earth.I turned down Strictly
Come Dancing. No
one needs to see that
The prime
minister
of plastic
pollution
Say
what?Hundreds are
New Mexico-
bound today for
“CANvention” ,
a three-day
event for beer
can collectors
that is now in
its 50th year. It
started in 1969,
when six people
responded
to a n ad in a
newspaper
asking anyone
who collected
beer cans to
PHOTOGRAPH: DAVID PEARSONCOVER ILLUSTRATION: LEHEL KOVÁCS get in touch.
my arse?” Public embarrassment
provoked by some assertive words
can prove eff ective – yet not every
woman feels comfortable taking
that route.
The invisible ink, however,
seems like a true case of parking
the ambulance at the bottom of
the cliff. While any measure that
increases women’s sense of safety
and the likelihood of conviction is to
be welcomed, it does n ot solve the
underlying problem of men failing
to accept women’s bodily autonomy.
That requires widespread change
( and , you know, the overthrowing of
the patriarchy).
In the meantime, some measures
have been shown to be eff ective.
Transport for London’s Project
Guardian initiative in 2013 aimed
to increase the number of women
reporting sexual assault on public
transport, and recorded some
success through a combination of
better reporting resources , more
plain-clothed offi cers and an
awareness campaign.
It may be less exciting than
invisible ink, but it might work.
Rhiannon Lucy Cosslettand everything” at the school talent
show – that give s the sense her
stardom was inevitable. In fact,
Swift decided she wanted to move to
Nashville to pursue a career in music
when she was just 10 years old ; her
family relocated from Pennsylvania
three years later.
You can see similarly specifi c
visions of success in the rapper
Drake, then 21 , making his computer
desktop background a photo of a
multimillion-dollar mansion. Five
years later, he bought it.
In setting themselves “ specifi c,
measurable, achievable, realistic
and timely ” goals, it seems some
people just take a broader view of
the “achievable and realistic” part.
The real work may start when they
achieve them. As a child, Boris
Johnson wanted to be “world king” ,
a dream he partially fulfi lled when
he became prime minister – though,
as the Economist noted , “that does
not mean he will be any good”.
Elle HuntI am a quite
brilliant dancer –
when no one
is watching
Last week, I was on my hands and knees in the rain on
the beach at Cable Bay in Anglesey. With me was an
environmental scientist, who was pointing out all the
tiny fragments of plastic in the sand. “We have to turn
off the plastics tap,” he said. He showed me a photo of
the prime minister at a desk with two plastic bottles
and a takeaway cup in front of him. “One day,” he said,
“I hope this picture looks as dated as if he were smoking
or wearing a top hat.” Here’s hoping.RELEASED BY "What's News" vk.com/wsnws TELEGRAM: t.me/whatsnws