(^52) Health The Mail on Sunday^ September 1^ •^2019
anything and have confidence that I will always be honest.
But what if I had the harrowing task of telling them I had
cancer? I’m not sure it would be possible to be quite so
truthful. Yet it’s a reality faced by about nine million British
parents living with the disease.
Helen Addis, a television producer on ITV’s Lorraine show,
is just one. In April last year, aged 39, she was diagnosed with
an aggressive form of breast cancer. Within a few months,
surgeons had removed her right breast, and she then began
gruelling treatment. At the time her children were aged
nine, seven and five.
‘We let the dust settle for a couple of days because I didn’t
want to tell them while I was emotional,’ remembers Helen,
who lives in Surrey with her husband Mark, 43. ‘But then,
when we found out it hadn’t spread, we broke the news to
the kids individually. ‘I explained everything clearly in a
way they could understand. I even likened my tumour to
a verruca that needed to be removed.’
The youngest two children, April and Belle, seemed to
take the news well. ‘April loves to tell people her mummy
only has one boob – she thinks it’s cool,’ says Helen. ‘She’s
constantly asking me to show people my one boobie.’
Son Archie, however, had a different, more concerning,
reaction. ‘His first question was, “Is it cancer?” I didn’t
even know that he knew what cancer was,’ says Helen. ‘Then
he said, “People die from it.” ’
This is the healthiest approach,
says Dr Kathryn Hollins, a child
and family psychiatrist. She says:
‘You may be very good at keeping a
secret and at being discreet. But
our children, whatever age, will
realise something is up.
‘Their imaginations are rich and
fertile, so they will often believe
the truth is worse than the reality.
‘They need a responsible, thought-
ful adult to share the information
in a realistic, hopeful way.’
Even the most subtle sign of
anxiety signals danger, says Emma
Gleadhill. ‘If there are changes in
their routine, hushed conversations
and closed doors, children will
form their own interpretation about
what is wrong.’
And don’t wait until you have
all the available information, says
Dr Hollins. ‘You never, ever know
everything. It is crucial that you
open the dialogue before suspicion
and fantasy kick in.’
THERE’S NO SCRIPT...
BUT STAY POSITIVE
THERE is no perfectly written
script for breaking the worst kind
of news. But a few key words and
sentences can minimise the impact.
‘First of all, recognise the age and
developmental stage of each child
before embarking on
the conversation,’ says Dr Hollins.
‘Young children are often most
concerned about the direct effect
on their lives, so consider exactly
what the meaning is to them and
what they can manage.’
Helen told her three children
individually, given their different
ages. April, then aged five, was
told simply that mummy had a
‘poorly boobie’.
‘We focused on the excitement
of trips to hospital. It seemed to
work – she just wanted to know if
I’d be home by teatime,’ she says.
For Belle, then seven, Helen told
her: ‘You know that you’ve got a
verruca on your toe and if we
don’t put cream on it, it will get
bigger? Well, I’ve got the same
inside my boob. Since we can’t
put medicine on the inside, I have
to have an operation.” ’
As for older children, be pre-
pared for difficult questions. Helen
recalls: ‘Just after I’d been diag-
nosed, the BBC presenter Rachael
Bland died and was on the cover
of every newspaper.
‘My son asked “What did she die
of?” and I had to say, “Well, actually
she died of breast cancer.” That
was a really hard time.’ The advice
is to be matter-of-fact, yet positive.
Emma advises: ‘Talk objectively.
Say things like, “Some people
have surgery and take medi-
cines, and this works for most
people.” End sentences on a posi-
tive note, focusing on things that
can be done.’
Helen says: ‘I explained that
although mummy has breast can-
cer, Rachael had a different type
of breast cancer which, unlike
mine, doctors could not give many
medicines for.’
DON’T SWERVE
THE ‘D’ WORD
GIVEN Helen’s good survival
odds, death wasn’t even on her
radar. But what she hadn’t realised
was her children had already began
thinking the worst.
‘After my diagnosis, my husband
Despite her reassurances, Archie
continued to search for answers.
But he didn’t ask his mother –
instead the nine-year-old turned to
Google. ‘What will happen the week
before my mum dies of cancer,’
was one entry Helen found on the
family computer’s search history.
‘I was devastated,’ says Helen,
who is now cancer-free thanks
to aggressive treatment. ‘It felt so
awful that he was looking for the
telltale signs that I only had a week
to live. He was desperate for me
not to abandon him.’
Helen decided to adopt a new
policy of absolute, total honesty.
‘My son is a thinker – he’ll pick up
on everything, such as flowers sent
to the house, or texts from friends
wishing me luck in surgery. It’s just
easier to be as open as possible.
‘And if my cancer comes back,
we’ll say this is the deal now.’
Deborah James, a 37-year-old
mother-of-two living with stage
four bowel cancer, has a bleaker
prognosis. When she was diag-
nosed, Deborah was told there was
just a 34 per cent chance she would
live a full year.
It’s a devastating reality that her
children are fully aware of.
‘I’ve always been totally honest
with my kids from the outset,’
says Deborah, who is mother to
Hugo, 11, and Eloise, nine.
‘The tumours have spread so
many times that we’ve had to have
the death conversation a lot.’
Bizarrely, it’s these moments of
unfathomable darkness that seem
to spark the most laughter.
She says: ‘I remember when I
told Hugo that the cancer had
reappeared in a different part of
my body,’ she says. ‘He looked at
me and replied, “Oh don’t worry,
you shouldn’t even be alive!”
‘I thought it was hilarious and we
fell about laughing. It was fair
enough – he had a point!’
The dark humour, she says,
helps her deal with the most night-
marish situations.
A wealth of psychological evi-
dence shows both Helen and Debo-
rah’s approach to be the healthiest.
Children of sick parents who
hide their illness have a higher
risk of developing mental health
problems in the future, according
to research published in the Jour-
nal Of Child Psychology.
‘Being as open and honest as
possible is always preferred,’ says
Emma Gleadhill, a parenting expert
who runs psychological training
sessions in 50 schools.
‘Otherwise, difficult feelings
remain unspoken between parent
and child. These get held in the
body, increasing the risk of anxiety
and, potentially, other mental prob-
lems in later life.’
But just how honest is too honest?
A small army of child psychologists
specialise in this very subject.
Here, along with advice from
Helen Addis, they offer invalua-
ble tips to help parents find the
right words.
HAVE THE TALK AS
SOON AS POSSIBLE
HELEN wasted little time telling
her children the truth. The quicker
they knew, she thought, the better.
‘We were carrying around folders
that said “breast cancer” on them
and suddenly taking time off
work – there was no way we could
have kept it a secret,’ she
says. ‘I couldn’t insult
their intelligence.’
from PAGE 51
TOTAL HONESTY: Deborah James with son Hugo and daughter Eloise
Read
watch
and do
what to
READ
How Death Becomes
Life: Notes From A
Transplant Surgeon
US surgeon Dr Joshua
Mezrich explores the history
of organ transplants, while
interweaving stories of the
dilemmas, joy and heartbreak
he has faced in his career.
Atlantic Books, £16.99
WATCH
The Big Hospital Experiment
A new documentary series
follows a group of 18-to-
24-year-olds as they are
sent to volunteer on the
NHS front line at the Royal
Derby Hospital.
BBC2, Wednesday, 9pm
DO
Spend the
weekend outdoors
Health and wellness is at the
heart of VERVE festival,
where you can enjoy yoga,
Pilates, exercise classes
and guided farm runs.
All weekend, Ebbesbourne
Wake, Wiltshire, from £25.
feeltheverve.com
Blog Me
Better
THE BLOG
the-motherload.co.uk
THE BLOGGERS
Writers Kate Dyson, above
left, and Alison McGarragh-
Murphy, who are both
mothers of young children.
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
From spotting the signs of
autism to debating whether
toddlers should watch the
news, Kate, Alison and other
writers draw on their family
life experiences, helping
bemused adults through
the early years of parenting.
My nine-year-old Googled: What will
happen the week before Mummy dies?
JOHN GODWIN / CAMERA PRESS / CIRCE
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