ASK E. JEAN
DEAR E. JEAN: I am 37, live in L. A., and am getting worried.
I want a family, but all the guys I meet are inconsiderate
and only interested in one thing. I meet many men who
already have children, and most do not want more. Some
don’t even want marriage. I worry that I can’t waste
time. I’m afraid I’ll be 47 one day and my opportunity
will have passed. Of course, a lot of people say to adopt,
but I really want to carry the child. I’m sick of men telling
me I’m too old!
—Hopeless in TinseltownTinsel, My Turnip: Why let men dictate your future? If
you are “sick of men” telling you that you’re “too old,”
and if you want a baby, Miss Tinsel, have a baby. Go to
a sperm bank. Or if you wish to wait and meet a decent
chap with whom to have a baby, freeze your eggs. Ei-
ther way, your future looks bright.DEAR E. JEAN: What’s the right way to respond to getting
hit on? I get everything from sweet compliments to dirty
remarks. If a man is genuinely crossing the line, I com-
pletely understand a strong response. But a lot of things
women complain about these days don’t bother me. Call-
ing a woman beautiful? Checking her out? Honestly, I
tend to laugh things off. Is that the “right” reaction?
—Bad FeministBad, My Darling: The only 100 percent guaranteed way
to stop men from “crossing the line” is using a tranquil-
izer gun. In the #MeToo era, each woman has to decide
where her own line is and how firmly she will prevent
each boss, preacher, teacher, coworker, old friend, and
stranger from crossing it. She alone determines which
reaction is “right” for her. And by each of us choosing
for ourselves, we empower all womankind.ASK A QUESTION!
Via email: [email protected]
Twitter: @ejeancarroll
Instagram: @ejeancarroll1
Read past columns:
ELLE.com/life-love/ask-e-jean
Want more Auntie E?
You can watch videos, write with anonymity, and exchange
genius tips on Advice Vixens at AskEJean.com. And if you’d
like a book: What Do We Need Men For? A Modest Proposal.ELLE’s beloved advice columnist
opens up about her very private battles,
only recently made public.ADVICEA NOTE, DEAR
READERS
WOMEN! YOU ARE FABULOUS! But it’s weird. I’ve been writing the Ask E. Jean col-
umn for 26 years, and for 26 years I’ve been noticing that many of the problems coming
into the column have been caused by one thing. And that cause is men.
Now, about 90 percent of the letters I receive don’t run in the magazine, you un-
derstand. But according to a lot of my Ask E. Jean mail, when the chaps are not lying,
cheating, and passing women over for promotions, they are being inconsiderate to letter
writers like Miss Tinsel (see right), or pestering, groping, pawing, pinching, and vastly
underpaying the Ask E. Jean correspondents.
So I came up with a scheme to do away with the lads entirely. But first, I had to find
out if we needed chaps for anything, right? In 2017, I loaded up Miss Bingley (my old
Prius) with Lewis Carroll (my poodle), and we set out together on a 4,099-mile road trip.
We only went to towns named after women—Angelica, New York; Tallulah, Louisiana;
Marysville, Ohio; etc.—and when we arrived in each city, Lewis and I jumped out of
Miss Bingley and asked people, “What do we need men for?”
The answers were shocking, so shocking that I started to think about the men in my
own life: the harassers, maulers, chumps, creeps, swindlers, stranglers, and dickweeds.
And I made a list called “The Most Hideous Men of My Life List.” It is composed of the
21 most repulsive scoundrels I’ve ever met. The list appears in full in my new memoir,
What Do We Need Men For? A Modest Proposal. We all have a Hideous List, correct?
You may have heard that number 20 is President Donald Trump. Though the book
is funny, there are very dark moments, and coming forward to talk about what Mr.
Trump did to me inside a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room is one of the most difficult
things I’ve ever done.
Because for years, I’ve been telling Ask E. Jean correspondents to “stop blaming”
themselves when they have been attacked. As recently as last month’s issue, I said, “Lord!
I hate it when smart women are so quick to blame themselves.”
But for two decades, I’ve kept silent. And one of the reasons was that I’d convinced
myself that what Mr. Trump did to me was my fault. I called myself “stupid.” I told
myself that I “deserved” it.
If the great journalists Jodi Kantor and Meghan Twohey hadn’t written their New
York Times piece about Harvey Weinstein, and if our fellow women across the nation
hadn’t surged forth with #MeToo stories of their own, and if my wonderful Ask E. Jean
correspondents hadn’t shaken me up and enlightened me every day, I would have spent
the next two decades blaming myself.
So I’m confessing now to the women who deserve to hear my confession—my
Ask E. Jean readers. It wasn’t my fault. Donald Trump did it. It hurt. I fought. It was
against my will. GIEVES ANDERSON274