You South Africa – 22 August 2019

Myhusbandhasbeencheatingonme

sincewegotmarried 15 yearsago.

EverytimeI findoutaboutanotherin ­

fidelityandconfronthimhesayshe’ssorry

anditwon’thappenagain– butinvariably

aftera fewmonthsthenext“sweetheart”is on

thescene.We’rebothinourfortiesandboth

stilllookgoodforourage.

It’salmostasif heseestheseaffairsasa con­

firmationthathe’snotoldandthatwomen

stillfindhimattractive.Thewomenhechoos­

estohaveaffairswithareyoung(usuallyin

theirearlytwenties)andbeautiful.Whenhe’s

havinganaffairhetendstospoilthewoman

rotten,buyingherjewelleryandtakingher

awayforweekendswhereashemakesno

efforteventomakemybirthdayspecial.

If wegoonholidayasa family(wehavea

son)I havetoorganiseit aswe’dnevergoany­

whereif it wasuptomyhusband.Heassures

mehelovesmeandsaystheaffairsarejust

him“playingaround”butit causesmeserious

emotionalhurt.WhatcanI do?

Astrid,email

Yourhusbandseemstohavetwosetsof

rules– oneforhimandoneforyou.He’s

allowedtohave“playmates”butI’msure

hewouldn’tbeoverjoyedifyoustartedhaving

“playmates”ofyourown.

Yourhusbandwantsa familywhileenjoyingthe

lifeofa bachelor.Hewantsyoutogivehimlove

andstabilitywhilehis“playmates”feedhisego.

Youneedtohavea serioustalkwithhimandinsist

heconsultsa psychologistfortherapyashisserial

cheatingisa hugeproblemforyou.

Apsychologistshouldbeabletohelphim

address that part of him that’s so lacking in con­

fidence that he continuously needs reassurance

from women and is willing to risk his happiness

with you. The fact that he so easily gives up his

present playmate when he’s caught indicates the

“affairs” aren’t based on serious emotional bond­

ing – they simply answer his need to be admired

and to feel young.

HE’SADDICTEDTO

HIS ‘PLAYMATES’

AboutfiveyearsagoI sud­

denlydevelopeda speech

problem– I’munableto

makecertainsoundsandwhenI try

tomakethemit’salmostasif my

tongueisunabletofindtheappro­

priateplacewherethatsoundis

formed.

I’veconsulteda neurologist,neu­

rosurgeonsandspeechtherapists.

Theneurosurgeonsandneurolo­

gistssaythere’snoindicationon

MRIscansthatit couldhavebeena

lightstroke.Thespeechtherapists

areata losstoointermsofunder­

standingtheoriginofmyspeech

problemandhavesimplytriedto

teachmetorelax.

ButevenwhenI’mathomeand

relaxedI stillexperiencetheprob­

lem.Whatcouldbewrong?

Leon,email

It’shighlyunlikelythatyou

couldhavehada lightstroke

withouttherebeingevidence

ofthisonanMRIscan.

It’snotuncommonforpeopletode­

velopreactionssuchasa tic,shaking

ofthebodyorevenpartialblindness

duetopsychologicalfactors.This

doesn’tmeanyou’refakingitormalin­

gering(pretendingtoexperienceprob­

lems)butsimplythattheoriginofthe

problemlieswithinyoursubconscious

mind.Thesesymptomswouldbecon­

sideredneurologicaldisorders.

Thetreatmentsusuallyviewedas

thebestforthisproblemarebehav­

iouraltherapyorhypnotherapy,andI

wouldsuggestyouconsulta qualified

hypnotherapist.

Theprognosisforthistypeofprob­

lem,accordingtotheresearchandmy

experience,isguarded.

I met myboyfriend two

yearsago.It wasloveatfirst

sightandwemovedinto­

getherthreeweeksaftermeeting.

Thingsweregoodatfirstbutthen

I realised ourpersonalities are

worldsapart.Helovestostayat

home,cook,watchmoviesandjust

snuggle.Hedoesn’tneedtointeract

withotherpeoplesocially.I’manex­

trovertwholovesbeingwithpeople,

beingoutdoorsandbeingactive.

I hatesittingathomeallthetime.

Hedoesn’tcompromiseeasilyso

wemostlydowhathewants.I’m

gettingincreasinglyfrustratedand

feellikescreamingonweekendsbe­

causeallwedois playhouse­house

and nothing interesting happens.

He’s very caring and I can’t fault

the way he treats me. He spoils me

but I’ve never been so unhappy.

When I suggested he moves out

so I can have more space to do as I

please he wanted to know what he’d

done wrong and was so flabber­

gasted that I relented because he

seemed so lost my heart just melt­

ed.ButI knowthisiswrong!What

do I do?

Marlise, email

Thebottomlineisthatthis

relationship isn’t making you

happy. While both of you are

wonderful people, it sounds as if you’re

simply not compatible as a couple.

It’s not that couples need to be simi­

lar or have similar interests, but they

do need to respect each other’s differ­

ences and make space to accommo­

date those differences. If this doesn’t

happen, one partner will end up feeling

either smothered by the relationship or

resentful because they’re always the

one to compromise.

So it’s worth trying to work through

this with him by going to couples coun­

selling. A psychologist can help him to

understand this and see why it’s neces­

sary to compromise and for him to give

youspacetodowhatyouenjoy.

Thefutureofyourrelationship

depends on how open he is to under­

standing this message. It will help you

to ascertain if you’re compatible or not.

‘Theyalwayssaytimechangesthings,

butyouactuallyhavetochangethem

yourself’– AMERICANARTISTANDYWARHOL

ASK DR

LOUISE

Write to Dr Louise, PO Box 39410, Moreletapark 0044,

or email [email protected].

I SUDDENLY DEVELOPED A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT

MY BOYFRIEND JUST WANTS TO STAY HOME

46 | 22 AUGUST 2019 you.co.za

YOU LIFESTYLE