15
DCthe washington post
.
thursday, august29
,
2019Parenting coach and colum-
nist Meghan Leahy answered
questions recently in an online
chat. Here is an edited excerpt.
Q: Why do people feel
comfortable telling you that you
need to have more than one
child? My wife and I have a 4-
year-old, who is amazing. We
live far from family, and given
the cost of child care, we will
probably only have her (we
agree on this, though both of us
wish we could have more than
one child). Ye t friends, co-
workers and family members
try to make us feel guilty that
she will grow up “alone.” In a
perfect world, we would try to
have another child, but because
most quality child care in the
D.C. area is upward of $20,000
a year, we’re scared. I realize
that might sound petty or
ridiculous to someone of
economic privilege or who lives
in a cheaper area. But we’re not
wealthy and have jobs that
really can’t be transferred. Are
we destroying our daughter’s
life by not having another
child?
A: Your reasons for not having
another child are completely
your own, and if they suit your
life and family, they are valid.
Period.
As far as I can tell, people
with siblings are as much of a
mess as people without siblings,
but if you want to send yourself
on a head-trip, you can find data
that supports whatever you
want to believe. Want to prove
your 4-year-old will be
miserable and alone? There are
studies for that. Want to prove
that only child will be a step
ahead in life? There are studies
that prove that, too.
If you want another child, you
will do it (despite money and
everything else). If you feel good
about your family with one
child, you will do that.
When people tell you what
they think you should do, they
are talking about themselves; it
has nothing to do with you.
Remember that.
Q: My daughter will be 2 in
September and has some big
changes coming up — including
a younger sibling arriving in
January. She is showing signs of
being ready to move from her
crib to a bed — she asked for a
pillow and wants to lie down in
her crib instead of snuggling in
her glider before bed. We have a
bed ready to go, but we’ve been
holding off until the end of
summer because she sleeps in a
travel crib at our lake house,
and that is currently the only
safe option there. She also uses
a pacifier, which I would like to
wean her from. She is also
showing interest in potty
training. We have a potty chair
for her and put her on it when
she asks, but haven’t made a
plan for actually potty training
her. Is there a “right” order to
take these steps, and how much
space do we need to give each
transition? I’m weary of too
many big changes too soon, but
she seems ready for everything
except losing the pacifier.
A: 1. Don’t take away her
pacifier. It is soothing, and she
will need it as she adjusts to a
new sibling. Unless you really
want to wean her.- Don’t put her in a bed
unless you never want to sleep
again. I would have two kids in
two cribs. Unless you really
want to put her in a bed. - Don’t potty train her unless
you want to launder clothes
forever. Put out some little
potties, and see what happens.
Unless you really want to potty
train her.
As you can see, I am not a big
fan of pushing or taking things
away for abstract reasons or out
of fear.
Q: My 6-year-old is not amorning person. She never has
been. This is great on weekends.
It’s not so great during the
school week, when we have to
get somewhere on time. We’ve
tried sticker charts, but they’re
not motivating her. Sleeping in
school clothes sometimes helps.
How do we get her to school in a
timely manner without her
crying or yelling?
A: As a non-morning person, I
feel her pain.
Ironically, what non-morning
people often need is a bit more
time after they wake up. This
can be impossible to imagine,
but one of the issues with
crabby morning people is that
they have low blood sugar and
don’t like being rushed.
Creating more time in the
morning enables your daughter
to acclimate without feeling
rushed or pushed along. Though
it seems basic, eating with
children is a total game-changer
when it comes to morning
moods. Sustained attention,
slowing down, smiling and
chatting helps children feel
connected and relaxed, and
every human transitions a little
better when they are relaxed.
I would not look for a no-
tears situation here. Welcome
her attitude and keep the ball
rolling. “Yes, it is hard to leave.”
“Yes, I would prefer to stay in
jammies all day, too.” Saying
that while you move her out thedoor sidesteps the cheerleading
and problem-solving parents
tend to do (which almost always
make everything worse).
Finally, stay focused on her
strengths and any growth. As
the year progresses, take note of
any morning that goes better
and make mention of it. We
want to show her change is
possible while respecting and
accepting her temperament.Q: I’m having a lot of anxiety
over my child’s male teacher
next year. The anxiety stems
from reading about sexual
abuse: It seems that at least
once a year, if not more, there’s
a story about a male teacher or
aide sexually abusing a child at
school. School should be a
protected place, but that’s not
always the case. How can I avoid
projecting this anxiety onto my
child and empower my kid
about their body? We’ve done a
lot of talking about who can
touch their body but never
about what to do in a situation
like that. I don’t want to scare
them but I also am fearing the
worst.
A: I get it. We desperately need
compassionate male teachers in
a female-dominated field, but
the 24/7 news cycle can make
you think every man out there is
a pedophile.
Though it is true that
children are overwhelminglyabused by people they know,
you are going to have to tap into
your intuition here (rather than
your instinct, which is more
fear-based). When you get
scared, ask yourself whether it’s
because of something you see in
the teacher or a story in your
head. If you feel a deep unease
in your belly, if your hair stands
up, if you have a spidey-sense
that something isn’t right, then
you do something. Otherwise:- Stop taking in news that
highlights these issues. You are
simply feeding your anxiety. - The best way to keep a
child safe is to be honest with
them about their bodies and
sex. Use real terms, and describe
who is allowed to touch those
parts (the child and a doctor
with a parent in the room).
There is no surefire way to
protect our children, but people
who hurt children use kids’
ignorance and fear to groom
them. - Get to know the teacher.
Volunteer, get in the room, be
helpful. You need to combat
your anxious thoughts with
reality. - If your anxiety gets worse,
seek help. Sexual abuse is real
and awful, but we need to
parent with strength, not from
fear.
Q: What is a good response to
people who keep telling me I
will change my mind about not
wanting children? I’ve never felt
the maternal urge and have
decided not to have kids, but I
keep hearing that I’ll change my
mind. My mind hasn’t changed
in 20 years, and to me, it would
be far worse to bring an
unwanted child into this world.
A: My mother has the best
response when people make
stupid comments to her: She
just says, “Oh.”
Not in a way that invites more
conversation, either.
She keeps saying “Oh” until
the person stops talking and
walks away or gets
uncomfortable and changes the
subject.
When people say something
dumb to me, I smile and say,
“Thank you for your opinion on
my life.”
It is hard for me to make
friends, obviously. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the rest of this transcript and
submit questions to the next chat,
Sept. 11 at 11 a.m., at
live.washingtonpost.com.PARENTING Q&A
It’s no one’s business whether you have more — or any — kids
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