Reader

asked me to help lift it. The guy

thanked me and left with his brand-

new TV that I’d helped him steal.

—reddit.com

At the end of a phone call, I told my

boss I loved him. I caught myself, but

started rambling: “Oh my God!

I didn’t mean that. I absolutely don’t

love you ... No, I mean, I like working

for you but I know you’re married

and I’m married, and I’m not flirting,

so please don’t report me to HR ...”

At some point, he just hung up.

—quickbase.com

I once sent a company-wide virus

warning by forwarding an e-mail so

people could see what it looked like

should they receive one and forgetting

to remove the infected attachment.

— @Entropy72

On my first day of work, I acciden-

tally called my boss “Daddy.”

—coburgbanks.co.uk

When I was a teenager, I applied for

a job at a hospital gift shop and was

so pumped when I got the call that

they wanted me. When I showed up

for my first shift, the manager gave

me the weirdest look, then told me to

wait while she called someone. Turns

out that they interviewed two girls

named Jessica and meant to hire the

other one. They offered me a candy

bar “for my trouble.” I’m still bitter.

—thestir.cafemom.com

DUMB

APPLICANTS

Looking for a job? Make sure your

résumé is up to snuff. A lot of job seek-

ers don’t, and we’ve pulled together

some actual blunders to prove it.

objective

“To secure a position as a front office.”

employment history

Last job: “Drove a toe truck.”

Before that: “Worked in the dessert.”

And before that: “Oversaw all new

corporate accusations.” “Responsibili-

ties included recruiting, interviewing,

and executing final candidates.”

And before that one: “Watered, groomed,

and fed the family dog for years.”

skills

“Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”

“Being bilingual in 3 languages.”

“Natural born larder.”

references

“Clare.”

compensation

“Current salary: $36,000.

Salary desired: $223,000.”

interests

“I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.”

“My three biggest hobbies are cars,

racquetball, golf, and reading.”

“I like doughnuts, cupcakes,

chocolate, and ice cream. Together.”

“Honestly, I like doing nothing.”

education

“Graduated in 2911.”

—roberthalf.com, almagreta.com,

coburgbanks.co.uk, archive.fortune.com

rd.com | march 2019 105

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