Living and Loving – September 2019

H

ave you ever taken your

little one to Clamber

Club only for her to refuse

to let go of your hand

for the entire session? Or have her

hesitantly offer Granny a timid smile,

while hiding behind your legs? If this

sounds familiar, you might be worried

she’s showing signs of shyness, and

wondering how this will play out

as she gets older. But there’s no

need to worry. “Shyness is far from a

hindrance to success,” says Professor

Koraly Pérez-Edgar, an expert in child

studies and psychology. “Each child

comes into the world with his or her

own temperament, which builds into

their personality. So, shyness isn’t

something that should be stamped

out. Instead, the aim is to help your

child develop her natural tendencies

in ways that support her needs

and goals. If you know what you’re

looking for, you can spot the signs

of shyness emerging even in your

little one’s first year − not because it’s

anything to worry about, but because

doing so can help you build on her

strengths and develop her social

confidence, in a way that suits her.”

70 | SEPTEMBER 2019 | L&L

What exactly

is shyness?

You’ve used the word “shy” so many

times, you’ve probably never stopped

to ask yourself what it really means.

Scientists have found that, despite

appearances to the contrary, shy

people crave company, but find social

interactions stressful. This can be seen

in your baby’s very first few months.

Studies show that while most babies

love new mobiles and exciting toys,

others appear to find them upsetting,

and react by crying, or arching their

backs. “Over time, this sensitivity

to unexpected and uncontrollable

things seems to transfer from the

sensory to the social,” explains

Koraly. “The reaction appears to

be a precursor to shyness, pointing

towards a biological predisposition.”

Perhaps it’s an understandable

reaction. “There’s nothing more

ambiguous and unpredictable than

people, especially other toddlers,”

says Koraly. From the age of about

18 months, you might spot another sign

of shyness. You’re at the playground

and another child toddles up, he

smiles and looks sweet, but your tot

freezes. “Animals that are threatened

in the wild have exactly the same

reaction,” says Koraly. “They’ll freeze,

then refuse to engage, and then

hide. It’s a very basic instinct.” To

your shy child, the other kid presents

a challenge, something unexpected

and uncontrollable that is just a

little too overwhelming right now.

Of course, most children don’t

actually play with one another until

they’re around three or four years

old. Eventually, however, they begin

talking to and involving each other

in their games, and shifting from

“parallel” to “associative” play. This

can be a difficult stage for shy tots.

You might spot a tentative smile on

your little one’s face, showing that she

does want to join in, but still needs

you to be right there, glued to her side

at all times to act as a buffer. This is

completely fine. “The aim is to go slow,”

Koraly says. “Gradually and gently

introduce her into a wider social world,

to show that her fears are unfounded,

or simply nothing like as devastating

as she thinks they are.” It’s not a race,

and it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll

still want you to go everywhere with

her when she turns 16. Then, of course,

you’ll long for the days when she did.

Why are some

people shy?

“When we look at the electrical activity

inside the brain during a scan, infants,

children and adults who show more

activity in the right frontal area have

a greater risk of anxiety,” says Koraly.

Scans also show areas of the brain

associated with fear are more active in

those with a propensity towards shyness,

and they are likely to have higher

levels of the stress hormone, cortisol,

and a faster heart rate. “None of these

markers are diagnostic, it’s just that the

more of them you have, the greater the

likelihood that you are predisposed to

shyness,” says Koraly. Now you know the

signs, you can discover how to help your

child harness the benefits of shyness,

while shrugging off any negatives.

Shyness as a

superpower

“The science suggests you don’t need

to be the star debater or captain of

Discover why your little one might be slow to warm

up, and how you can help her find her voice.