Wives’ tales
RECENTLY
WED JORDAN
GRAY
REFLECTS
ON NUPTIAL
TRADITIONS
AROUND
THE WORLDI got married in July. It’s something
I’ve been harping on about since my
very first DIVA column, back in 2018,
and it finally ‘appened! Proper mar-
ried, I am. A right little wife!
It went off without a hitch (apart
from the intended one, obviously). It
was nice. Small ceremony, small re-
ception. About as small as a wedding
could be while still being a wedding –
and that was perfect for me. Nothing
extraneous. Nothing superfluous.
Fewer variables to punch into the ol’
data-crunching “anxiety engine” that
is the human noggin.
I’m not one for pageantry.
Theatricality, perhaps – but more so
on stage than in the registry office.
Nonetheless, we wore pretty dresses,
did our hair, exchanged matching
rings (engraved with #WifeLife on the
inner rim) and observed a few hokey
nuptial traditions.
My little sister handed us both
“wedding survival packs” contain-
ing deodorant, mints, wet wipes etc.
Amidst the practical items were a
number of sentimental, supersti-
tious trinkets pursuant to the famous
rhyme. A coin from the year of my
mother’s birth (“something old” –
sorry, mum). The bags themselves
were “something new”. We bought
mini speakers to play music at the
reception, then promptly returned
them (“something borrowed”). Each
pack contained a bridal garter (“some-
thing blue”) – alas, Heli and I both
have fairly shapely thighs, so we wore
them as bracelets. And finally, after
hearing our mother regaling about
some odd English tradition involving
a “sugar cube in the bride’s pocket”,
my sister swiped a hotel sugar sachet
and shoved it in my shoe – which
I think my foot absorbed over the
course of the day. It may or may not
fall off in the coming weeks.
Though our little British wedding
traditions may seem kooky, I can as-
sure you, my dearly doting DIVAs, that
they are perfectly prissy alongside
the madrigal madness of the rest of
our planet.
In the Tidong community of
Indonesia, the married couple are
not allowed to pee or poop for THREE
DAYS following the ceremony, for fear
of bad luck. In the Maasai nation of
Kenya, the bride’s father is obliged to
spit on her boobies (I’m not making
this up) before her and her partner
walk away without looking back – at
risk of being turned to stone.
In Sweden, if one partner leaves
the room during the reception, the
other is allowed to cop off with
EVERYONE in that room. Kinky little
loganberry bastards! In France, all the
leftover GARBAGE from the celebra-
tions is dumped into a toilet... which
the happy couple is encouraged to
DRINK FROM (perhaps that’s how the
“no peeing, no pooping” Tidong thingstarted). Nowadays, the “garbage” is
replaced with ceremonial chocolate,
but you’re still chugging from the bog!
Despite how recently same-sex
marriage has been legalised in many
countries, it’s comforting to see a
number of “new traditions” have
sprung up to uniquely commemo-
rate lesbian nuptials. Not seeing the
bride before the big day? How will we
coordinate?! Lesbian couples today
more often opt to spend the morning
together getting ready. It’s also more
likely that two wives will adopt a
hyphenated Franken-surname (I told
Heli, “Bollocks to that, mate. I don’t
want to confuse the fans”).In the end, no wives’ tale or naked
dancing bridal circle could be more
unusual than the promise of marriage
itself: to hold each other’s hand
forever. As I turn 30, I find myself
conceding that the silly traditions do
count for something. They’re a
reminder that, whatever came before
us, we are here together now because
of the past; a sober reminder of our
responsibility in the future.I’m not one for
pageantry. Theatricality,
perhaps...”
JORDAN GRAY
is a comedian,
recording artist,
radio host and
Pokémon master,
known for The
Voice UK and
Transformation
Street.
@Talldarkfriend27VIEWS | JORDAN GRAY