and that isolation can affect our
emotional health. Psychologist Susan
Pinker, PhD, author of The Village
Effect: How Face-to-Face Contact
Can Make Us Healthier and Happier,
describes study after study finding
that socially disconnected people are
at greater risk of dying early, while
social integration—the feeling of being
part of a group—builds resilience and
even a stronger immune system.
“Knowing your neighbors affects
everything from the crime rate to
life expectancy,” says Dave Runyon,
coauthor of The Art of Neighboring
and executive director of CityUnite,
a nonprofit that helps government
and business leaders work together.
Runyon, a former pastor, says that
because we don’t choose neighbors
the same way we choose friends,
“you are guaranteed to be in rela-
tionships with people who think
about the world differently than you
do. If polarization is dividing our
culture, relationships with our neigh-
bors are the antidote.”
Loving your neighbors, says Run-
yon, starts with one gesture: Learn,
remember, and use their names.
“This can be super awkward,” he
concedes, particularly if you’ve lived
somewhere for years or they’ve
introduced themselves to you mul-
tiple times. Runyon’s motto: “Lean
in to awkward.”
“Just say, ‘This is embarrassing,
but I don’t remember your name.
Can you tell me again?’ ” he suggests.
Draw a map of the houses or apart-
I GUESS YOU’D CALL ME a home-
body, the type who celebrates when
friends cancel plans. Socializing and
small talk, even with people I know,
can be draining. And meeting new
people? Downright painful. I may
be social on social media, but I am
more likely to curl up in front of the
TV than open my door and invite
a neighbor in for tea.
And yet, underneath my intro-
verted exterior, I’ll admit: I’ve always
wished to feel part of my community.
This desire came into focus the day
my husband, Arran, and I moved
out of the city and the apartment I’d
lived in for 10 years. When a neigh-
bor I’d never seen before kindly
helped Arran carry a heavy piece of
furniture down the steps, I thanked
the stranger and asked if he’d just
moved in.
“Actually,” he said, “my wife and I
have lived here for the past six years.”
It was then and there that I felt
a tinge of regret that I’d missed an
opportunity for friendship, and I
promised myself I’d make a greater
effort to acquaint myself with our new
neighbors in the suburbs. But how?
“ON SOME LEVEL, we all crave con-
nection. We want to live with a sense
of being known and knowing the
people closest to us. We want to be
part of a community,” says journalist
Peter Lovenheim, author of In the
Neighborhood: The Search for Com-
munity on an American Street, One
Sleepover at a Time. Yes, in an effort
to better understand his neighbors,
Lovenheim asked to spend the night.
While the idea of a sleepover in a
stranger’s home may feel a bit too
intimate for most of us, Lovenheim
is not alone in his concern that we’ve
lost a physically close community
ments closest to yours, he advises,
and fill in your neighbors’ names as
you learn them. Start by learning the
names of those who live in the four
surrounding homes.
The simple step of learning and
using your neighbors’ names, says
Runyon, “sets you on a trajectory.”
Soon enough, you’ll be getting to
know them better, borrowing things
from each other, and forming more
meaningful relationships.
THE DAY CAME WHEN Amy intro-
duced herself to me through the
overgrown hedge our yards shared.
In many ways, we were similar: She
worked in education; I’m a former
teacher. Our husbands both com-
muted to the city; we both worked
from home. She and her husband
had moved from the city, too, just
five years earlier.
Of course, there were differences:
I felt a bit self-conscious holding my
fussy toddler as Amy told me she
and Jordan were childless by choice.
But Amy put me at ease by gener-
ously sharing details of their life and
convivially fielding my every ques-
tion about the community.
Before Amy introduced herself, my
husband and I had been thinking of
hosting a housewarming. We had the
usual reservations: Would we look
weird and desperate, inviting people
Knowing your neighbors affects everything
from the crime rate to life expectancy.
It starts with one gesture:
Learn, remember, and use their names.
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68 REAL SIMPLE SEPTEMBER 2019
