MASK The Magazine – August 2019

(やまだぃちぅ) #1
“How did you feel when you hit your sister?” – “Bad.”
“Would you like to feel better?” – “Yes.”
“What can you do next time so that you don’t have to hit
your sister and feel bad?” – “Count to 10, then go to my room
until I calm down.”
Here, in a simplified form appropriate to his age, he
demonstrates excellent anger management by calming
down using relaxation and distraction techniques, and not
responding to his first impulse to hit. When asked what
would help him get along better with his sister, he responded,
“Not blaming her for things I do.”
The next time a similar incident occurred, a gentle
reminder from his parent on how he decided he wanted to
calmly handle the situation, assisted and empowered him to
keep on track with his developing emotional intelligence.

BE AN EQ ROLE MODEL
We’re all role models for our children; we all have a
responsibility. Every time we interact with a child, we have the
opportunity to teach and model emotional intelligence and
health. Children learn by what they see us do, therefore, our
well-intentioned words must be backed up by our actions.
As Goleman reminds us, “parents can help their children
by coaching them emotionally, talking to them about their
feelings and how to understand them, not being critical and
judgmental, problem-solving about emotional predicaments,
and coaching them on what to do, like alternatives to hitting
or withdrawing when you’re sad.”

And, when they (and we) make mistakes
(as can be expected), we can teach our
children how to handle a future situation
more productively. Not unexpectedly, studies
indicate the more parents are emotionally
adept, the more their children are, as well.
One mother had a startling, simple
revelation recently. She relayed a typical
incident of her son and daughter beginning
to escalate their differences into shouting
and perhaps hitting. She was about to scream
at them (certain to escalate the situation
even more) when she remembered to stop,
breathe, and count to 10 before reacting.
This mom surprised herself (she really wanted to get angry
and “act out”) and something miraculous happened. As she was
calming herself down, using deep breathing and self-talk, her kids
began to follow her lead. They too, stopped yelling, breathed and
counted to 10. At that point they were able to talk through their
problem and come up with a creative solution that satisfied and
pleased everyone.
Clearly, education at all levels is warranted. There even seems
to be a special part of our brain for such skills as emotional self-
control and empathetic understanding, which continues to develop
into late adolescence (16 to 18 years). Emotional habits acquired
in childhood appear to be harder to change later in life, leading to
a critical window of opportunity to help shape lifelong emotional
propensities.

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE?
Teachers might say parents are responsible for such social
competence. Parents might say it’s in the schools where
children can best learn to get along with other children
and develop social skills.
Who is responsible? The answer is we all
are. With the significant rise in juvenile crime,
depression, suicide, drug use, eating disorders,
and anxiety, we seem to have a generation
of emotionally disabled youngsters, and everyone must
become involved to help turn the tide.

46 maskmatters.org FALL - V9


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“Parents can help their children
by coaching them emotionally,
talking to them about their
feelings and how to understand
them, not being critical and
judgmental, problem solving
about emotional predicaments,
coaching them on what do, like
alternatives to hitting, or to
withdrawing when your sad.”
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