MASK The Magazine – August 2019

(やまだぃちぅ) #1

PHOTOGRAPHY Courtesy of the Cardini Family


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54 maskmatters.org FALL - V9


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ur biggest task in life is teaching our children to leave
us. We have 18 years to accomplish this. So how do we
do it?
Traditionally, we believe a mix of parenting and
education prepares our children to fly the coop and be
successful in life. But what if it’s more about how they
deal with emotions and process the emotions of others that really
prepares them?
As a mom, I feel moms are super in tune with our children’s
emotions, and teaching them to recognize and regulate those
emotions are critical to success in life. When our children were
small and filled with emotions they couldn’t explain, I used this
phrase over and over again: “Use your words.”
Teaching our kids to articulate what
they’re feeling is a process. Once they’ve
mastered verbalizing big emotions, it’s critical
to validate those feelings. Once their feelings
are validated, it provides an opportunity
for parents to allow the child to figure out
how they will process and deal with those
emotions. We often want to fix things for our
kids, rather than allow them to process and
solve on their own. Yet giving them this opportunity prepares them
for the future.
My husband Joe and I tried to guide our children to figure out
what helps them process and deal with emotions. For one of our
kids, the best way for her was to journal or write about her feelings.
She loves reading and writing, so processing in that way for her
is ideal. For our son, processing emotions was typically done in a
physical manner, such as riding his bike, working out, or taking a
drive in the car. Our youngest daughter generally deals with strong
emotions by talking it through with a friend or family member.

Finding a healthy avenue for them to process is so beneficial.
In regard to other people’s emotions, it’s just as important
for our children to be aware of how the emotions of others can
affect specific situations. Identifying the nonverbal cues to how
someone else feels can make a big difference in the dynamic of a
social setting.
Helping our children become self-aware and manage
emotions and impulses—while also having empathy for
others and being sensitive to the social environment—can
result in better behavior, making safe and healthy choices,
and an increased ability to manage stressful or unpleasant
social situations. According to Dan Goleman, an internationally
known psychologist who has written several books on emotional
intelligence, emotional intelligence is a
greater predictor of success in adulthood
than academic achievement.
Raising three children over the past 25
years has given my husband Joe and me
plenty of challenges. It’s also been the most
memorable and rewarding time of our life
together. Over the years, our children have
faced various obstacles and I like to believe
we always guided them through by asking key questions: “How
did that make your feel?” “Have you thought about how the other
people in this situation feel?” “Have you put yourself in their
shoes?” “What do you think you are going to do about it?”
By handing the emotions back to them and helping them
identify and manage his or her emotional state—and making sure
they’re tuned in to the emotions others experience—gives them
an opportunity to handle complex social situations and become a
better friend, sibling, student, leader and eventually, a successful,
functioning adult.

We often want to fix things
for our children rather than
allow them to process and
solve on their own. Yet
giving them this opportunity
prepares them for the future.

USE YOUR WORDS
By // Michelle Cardini
Free download pdf