SOCIAL ANTHROPOLOGIST Laura Eramian
and sociologist Peter Mallory have studied the
reasons friendships fail and found three
recurring issues that can cause a downward
spiral: an imbalance in effort or affection (one
always reaches out to schedule lunches; the
other can’t be bothered), differing expectations
(Michelle doesn’t think twice about calling
Liz every day to complain about relationship
drama; Liz sees that as a ludicrous burden),
and problems with overlap (resentments about
deadlines or workloads making things awkward
between coworker pals).
Inspired by Marie Kondo, people are doing
the painful emotional work of parting with things
that no longer mean what they once did. But
those things can’t take it personally when they’re
heaped into a Hefty bag. The process of
breaking up with a friend, on the other hand,
is a psychological minefield that can cause
long-lasting injury. One reason is simply
that we know our friends so well:
Research has shown that we’re better
at describing our friends’ creative skills
and intelligence levels than they are
themselves. “If you have to fire an employee or
break things off with a romantic partner, they can
tell themselves it’s for subjective, superficial, or
nonsensical reasons,” says Lauren Mechling. “But
you and your friends know each other so deeply
that if one rejects you, it’s hard not to feel that
she’s seeing something in you that she doesn’t
like—something you might not even have found
within yourself.” If you’re the one doing the
rejecting, you owe it to your friend to proceed
with extreme benevolence and care.
Before you decide to part, ask yourself if
you can let your grievances go—if being spared
your pal’s critiques of your outfits is worth
losing her impeccable sense of humor. “I pick
my battles,” says Busy Philipps. “You can’t call
people out for every single thing, like posting
too many selfies. Sometimes you have to be
like, ‘Okay, she needs some kind of validation
that I can’t give her right now, so I’m just gonna
sit back and let this pass.’ I’ve gone through
phases where I’m sure I’m not that cool to be
around, either!”
You can lie low, dialing back the frequency of
your calls and emails, in the hopes of conveying
how close (or distant) you’d like to be without
having to get explicit. Whatever grievances you
can’t let go of, don’t hash them out onscreen.
Since online conversations lack the nuance thatTHOU SHALT NOT
post a photo in
which your friend has a
double chin or is
holding a margarita in
a foot-tall plastic
cup with a crazy straw.THOU SHALT NOT
leave effusive,
encouraging
comments on the
post of your dear
friend’s enemy or ex.THOU SHALT NOT
divulge personal
details on a friend’s
Facebook page,
no matter how badly
you’re wondering,
“how did Gary’s
vasectomy go??”THOU SHALT NOT
make up a
cockamamie excuse
to cancel plans,
forget said excuse,
and then post a
photo of yourself at
the botanical gardens,
grinning under a
cherry blossom tree.THOU SHALT NOT
keep your phone on
the table during
dinner unless you’re
waiting for a call
from the hospital or
the governor. A
2012 study found
that having a phone
present during a
conversation caused
lower levels of trust
and empathy, even if
it was never used.THOU SHALT NOT
clog your group text
with 18 irrelevant
messages per day.
(Some of us have
jobs, Joanne.)KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS
face-to-face or phone conversations offer, minor
email or text misunderstandings can turn into
full-fledged warfare. Psychologists also warn of
“online disinhibition”—the tendency to be
bolder and more open (and sometimes more
aggressive) when you can’t see someone’s
face or hear their voice; in other words, the
email you’d write to a friend you’re peeved at
will likely be much more barbed than what
you’d say if you were telling her off in person.
No matter the disagreement, it won’t be
solved by broadcasting your annoyance to your
236 Facebook friends. And if you eventually
make amends, that public record of your clash
will remain, like a gruesome scar.
But if the friend-ship has run aground and
you’re ultimately unwilling or unable to bring it
back to sea—if things have become endlessly
contentious or painful—it’s probably time to
call it quits. It should go without saying
that this is not a text message situation.
What situation it is depends on
numerous factors (your emotional
closeness, the problem at hand,
the personalities of the key players...).
Each friendship breakup is as unique
as a thumbprint and as complicated as a
trigonometry equation: Consider whether this
is a time to be direct in person, send a judicious
email, or quietly slip away. Your friend is likely
to scrutinize whatever you do or say as intensely
as if it were the Zapruder film. So be respectful
and merciful.
Some breakups are just the natural order
of things. “I had a friend in high school who was
brilliant and very bossy,” says Roz Chast,
illustrator of Why Don’t You Write My Eulogy
Now So I Can Correct It?, a collaboration
with longtime friend and writer Patty Marx. “We
had some fights over the years, and after
a particularly bad one, without any explanation,
we just stopped talking. Sometimes a
friendship, especially if it’s very complicated,
doesn’t end all wrapped up in a nice neat
package with a bow on it.”
And if you’re on the receiving end of a
breakup? Take comfort in the fact that
friendship can work in mysterious ways. “Once,
a close friend didn’t talk to me for about a
year and never explained why,” says Marx. “I
didn’t ask because I thought, It’s not going
to be a good reason. It’s not ‘I love you so much
that I can’t bring myself to talk to you.’ And
eventually, she started talking to me again.”The Companion
Commandments4
@OPRAHMAGAZINE SEPTEMBER (^201999)
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