Best – 13 August 2019

I

moved back to the

town I grew up in

recently, and it’s an

odd sensation – old

flames from my past are

popping up, asking to go

for coffee and whatnot

• some I’d rather forget!
  I couldn’t wait to leave
  the place behind, but
  brought my children
  back there to be raised
  in a safer environment.
  But it’s such a small
  town, and still seems
  so utterly insulated
  and backward. How
  do I avoid feeling
  like I’m back to living
  in a bubble?
  Jennifer, Kent

Take your old flames’

interest as a massive

compliment. Isn’t it a huge

ego boost to find the chaps

who fancied you years ago

still find you irresistible?

Instead of seeing your old

home as a bubble, why

don’t you look at it this

way: you are not living

among crowds of indifferent

strangers. Instead, you are

in a warm environment,

surrounded by people who

know you and care about

your welfare. That’s why

you chose to move back in

the first place. It’s nurturing

and like an extended family.

Once you’re settled, you’ll

appreciate those benefits.

a

N

obody^ wants^ to^ think^ of^ their^ pa

rents^ as^ selfish^ but,^

now^ that^ my^ children^ are^ growin

g up,^ I’ve^ started^ to^

see^ that^ mine^ actually^ were^ and

, even^ in^ their^ later^

years,^ still^ are.^ There^ were^ times

during^ my^ childhood^ when^

they’d^ skip^ school^ concerts^ as^ t

hey were^ ‘a^ waste^ of^ time’^

• or^ wouldn’t^ take^ me^ to^ the^ par

k because^ they^ were^ always^

‘busy’.^ As^ a^ naive^ young^ woman

, I respected^ their^ wishes.^

Now,^ as^ a^ mum-of-four,^ I^ cannot

relate^ to^ their^ behaviour,^

nor^ do^ I^ want^ to,^ and^ I^ feel^ myse

lf getting^ angrier^ every^

time^ I^ think^ about^ it.^ If^ I^ mention

any of^ this^ to^ them,^ they^

swiftly^ re-write^ history^ and^ tell^ e

veryone,^ ‘She’s^ being^

a drama^ queen^ again,’^ which^ ma

kes it^ all^ worse.^ I’m^ not^

sure^ I’ll^ ever^ be^ able^ to^ forgive^ t

hem properly.

Rebecca,^ Herts

It is^ not^ unusual^ for^ us^ to^ reflect^ on^ ou

r childhood^ experiences^ as^ our^

own^ children^ grow^ up.^ So^ much^ of^ wh

at we do^ is^ influenced^ by^ how^

we^ were^ parented^ ourselves,^ and^ perh

aps, without^ even^ realising^ it,^

you^ have^ been^ a^ much^ more^ giving^ an

d generous^ parent^ than^ your^

own^ ever^ were,^ for^ exactly^ this^ reason

. It might^ even^ be^ that^ you^ place^

a great^ deal^ of^ pressure^ on^ yourself^ to

be there^ for^ your^ kids^ even^ if^ it^

leaves^ you^ running^ on^ empty,^ precisel

y because^ you^ know^ the^ pain^ of^

feeling^ unimportant^ or^ neglected.^

The^ anger^ you^ are^ in^ touch^ with^ is^ a

n important^ part^ of^ the^ healing^

process^ if^ properly^ handled.^ Some^ of^

the anger^ may^ feel^ quite^ rational,^

while^ another,^ more^ instinctive^ eleme

nt will^ let^ you^ experience^ the^

anger^ you^ were^ probably^ never^ allowe

d to express^ as^ a^ child.^ This^

needs^ to^ be^ heard^ and,^ in^ my^ view,^ is^ b

est aired^ in^ a^ therapeutic^ setting.^

Your^ description^ of^ what^ your^ pare

nts say^ if^ you^ ever^ raise^ the^

subject^ suggests^ that^ you^ anticipate^ b

eing shamed^ if^ you^ try^ to^ express^

your^ own^ experience^ and^ your^ needs.

Again,^ this^ suggests^ that^ you^

may^ have^ taken^ that^ shame^ on^ board^

as if it^ were^ your^ own^ –^ as^ though^

you^ shouldn’t^ want^ your^ parents^ to^ be

there^ for^ you.^

Strange^ as^ it^ may^ seem,^ this^ is^ not^ y

our shame^ –^ it^ is^ your^ parents’.^

They^ are^ deflecting^ their^ failure^ to^ pr

operly^ attend^ to^ your^ needs^ on^

to you.^ This^ is^ likely^ to^ be^ a^ deeply^ un

conscious^ pattern,^ relating^ to^

their^ own^ fears^ about^ their^ parenting

skills.^

There^ is^ likely^ to^ be^ a^ much^ more^ compl

ex pattern^ here^ and,^ if^

you^ gave^ yourself^ the^ time^ to^ unravel

it, this^ might^ bring^ the^ depth^

of understanding^ that^ would^ allow^ yo

u not^ only^ to^ forgive^ your^ own^

parents^ but^ (and^ I’m^ guessing^ here)^ a

lso to^ settle^ for^ being^ ‘good^

enough’^ for^ your^ own^ children.^ It^ wou

ld be^ worth^ you^ reading^ around^

the^ subject^ of^ co-dependency,^ too.^ Ev

erybody^ gets^ hurt^ by^ resentment^

and^ blame,^ so^ I^ would^ encourage^ you

to work^ though^ this^

process^ until^ you^ get^ a^ resolution.

O Got a problem you’d like Mandy to answer?

Email her at [email protected].

Therapist Mandy Saligari, from Channel

5 show In Therapy, is an addiction,

parenting and relationship expert.

On the

couch

with

Mandy...

M

and

y^ x

See mandysaligari.com

HOW DO I CUT

THEM OFF?

MY^ PARENTS^ A

RE^ SO^ SELFISH