96 INNOVATION & TECH TODAY|SUMMER 2019
The
Lighter
SideWhat I Have Learned About BlockChain
By Bridget Callahan
Asa modernwomananda
comedian,stayingawareand
intouchwiththelatestintech
newsisveryimportanttome.
Afterall,whatif I endup
strandedinanabandoned
DOJcomplexinGeorgia
whiletheapocalypserages
outside,andtheonlywayto
tradeforfoodandsuppliesis
Bitcoin,butmydumbass
onlyhaswholecoins?Whatif
I meettheloveofmylife,but
hecan’tlovemebecauseI
don’tunderstandthelong-
termfutureinformation
strategiesofsmartcities?
Nowofcourseasa highly
educatedperson,I am
skepticalofallsourcesof
informationuntilthoroughly
vetted.Theinternetisfullof
liarswhowanttosellyoua
flipphone.Whichiswhyyou
canbelievemewhenI saymy
brotherChaddefinitely
knowsmorethan,like,
anyoneabouthightechthings
likecryptocurrencyor
Twitch.Andaccordingto
Chad,blockchainisthe
biggestsecurityinnovation to
hithumanitysincethe
inventionofthewaxseal.
Butsincenotallofyouare
luckyenoughtolivewithan
expertlikeChad,I’mgoingto
sharewithyouwhatI’ve
learnedaboutthisexciting
new data security.Blockchain’sBeginnings
Blockchainwasinventedbya personora groupofpersonsfrom
Japan,whoallmetthrougha mutualloveforcats.Butsoonthey
discoveredtheywereallreallygoodatcoding,andtheyinvented
blockchainasa waytotransferfakemoneyaroundtotheirfriends
to buy stuff like digital cats and accessories for digital cats.Howit Works
Blockchainisa seriesofrecords,allofwhicharestampedwith
timeanddatainformationeverytimetheychangehands.When
youadda blocktothechain,youhavetobalanceit reallycarefully,
orit willfalloffandyouwon’tbeabletoaccessanyofyourmoney,
evenif itsmillionsofdollarsandthatmakesnosense.Because
thereisnomiddlemanverificationneeded,likewaitingforbanks
toopen,waitingforbankstoclearchecks,orwaitingforbanksto
actuallydotheirjob,blockchainrequireswaylessfakesmiling.It
alsohastheaddedbenefitofneverreassuringyouatanypointthat
whatyou’redoing is above board or legal. And life is more exciting
that way.BenefitsofBlockchain
Thefirstandmostimportantfunctionofblockchainistomake
it soundlikeyouknowwhatyou’retalkingaboutonanygiven
patioduringanygivenworkevent.Thesecondmostimportant
jobofblockchainistokeepyourmoneyperfectlysafeina digital
currencywalletthatyoucouldlosecompleteaccesstoatanytime,
withnorecourse.Andthirdly,blockchainhascreatedmany
miningopportunitiesallovertheworld!Especiallyinplaceslike
Chinathatreallyneedtoplaycatch-upwhenit comestotech.And
someday,blockchainwillkeepeverythingwedo safe, from paying
for porn to paying for more porn to voting.Comebacknextweek,whenChadteachesmeabout using dating
apps for laundering World of Warcraft credits.■BridgetCallahanis a comedianandwriterfromFortCollins,CO,who
enjoysweirdmuseums, Christmas lights, and fighting off mountain
lions while hiking.