Best – 20 August 2019

M

y boyfriend is a

charmer, the kind

of guy everyone

gravitates towards at

parties, with an arsenal

of great anecdotes.

But when we get home,

I see a dark side to him

nobody else does. We’ve

been together a few

years, and at first it was

just stupid arguments,

him slamming doors as

he stormed off. But last

week, he took a swipe at

me, and I fell back into

the kitchen cupboard.

I’m scared this is only

the beginning and he’s

going to get violent

again. But I love him

• please don’t just tell
  me to leave him.
  Paula, Manchester

You are begging me not

to tell you to leave this

violent man because

you know I will and you

know you must. Experts

on domestic assaults will

confirm that if he has hit

you once, there is a high

probability that he will do

it again. His behaviour is

deliberate. He carefully

paints a public picture

of himself as a loveable,

fun bloke, then gets you

behind closed doors and

displays a sinister and

entirely different side to his

character. Unfortunately,

I don’t think this will be a

one-off. I am concerned for

your safety. Please call the

24-hour National Domestic

Violence Freephone

Helpline on 0808 2000

247 and talk this through

with people who can help

you extricate yourself

from this dangerous

relationship. Do it now!

a

T

hree^ years^ ago,^ I^ lost^ my^ husband

in a^ car^ accident^ and^

since^ then,^ my^ life^ has^ become^ in

creasingly^ difficult.^

It was^ always^ him^ and^ me^ agains

t the world.^ We^ did^

everything^ together.^ We^ were^ ne

ver able^ to^ have^ children,^

and^ I^ wish^ I^ could^ share^ this^ pain

with^ someone^ who^ misses^

him^ like^ I^ do.^ My^ coping^ mechani

sm has^ become^ alcohol.^

I’m^ drinking^ every^ day,^ and^ I’m^ w

orried.^ It^ numbs^ the^ pain^

• but^ I^ hide^ my^ habit.^ I^ feel^ sad^ a

nd ashamed.

Olivia,^ Essex

MANDY^ SAYS:

I’m^ so^ sorry^ you^ lost^ your^ husband^ in^ s

uch a^ tragic^ way.^ It^ makes^

grieving^ so^ much^ harder.^ You^ were^ rea

lly close^ to^ him^ and^ now^ alcohol^

has^ taken^ up^ that^ space.^ We^ must^ focu

s on both^ the^ loss^ and^ the^ drink.^

In^ grieving,^ you^ will^ accept^ your^ los

s and learn^ to^ let^ go^ so^ that^ your^

loved^ one^ becomes^ a^ memory.^ Many^ p

eople^ resist^ grieving^ for^ this^

very^ reason.^ Staying^ in^ the^ pain^ of^ the

loss can^ make^ you^ feel^ as^ if^ that^

person^ is^ still^ close^ to^ you.^ Whatever^ I

say may^ sound^ as^ if^ there^ are^

just^ some^ easy^ steps^ for^ you^ to^ follow,

as if I^ have^ no^ appreciation^ of^

the^ pain^ you^ are^ in.^ But^ I^ encourage^ yo

u to allow^ yourself^ to^ face^ the^

pain^ and^ grieve,^ so^ that^ you^ can^ let^ go^

and live^ again^ fully^ yourself.

Alcohol^ is^ robbing^ you^ of^ the^ grievin

g process^ that^ might^ in^ time^

allow^ you^ to^ feel^ happy^ for^ the^ times^ t

hat you^ did^ have^ with^ your^

husband.^ This^ might^ feel^ impossible^ t

o you now^ as^ you^ try^ to^ numb^ the^

pain,^ but^ it’s^ not^ working,^ as^ it’s^ makin

g you^ feel^ ashamed^ and^ isolated.

But^ it’s^ really^ important^ you^ seek^ th

e advice^ of^ your^ GP^ before^

suddenly^ stopping^ drinking,^ as^ it^ can^ b

e a dangerous^ detox^ to^ go^

through.^ Once^ you^ remove^ the^ alcoho

l, the feelings^ are^ going^ to^

come^ up,^ and^ it’s^ these^ feelings^ that^ I^

encourage^ you^ to^ embrace.

One^ of^ the^ joys^ of^ really^ connecting

with someone^ is^ that^ feeling^ of^

extraordinary^ closeness.^ And^ one^ of^ t

he risks^ is^ that^ if^ you^ lose^ one^

another,^ the^ loneliness^ can^ feel^ unbea

rable.^ But^ you^ can^ bear^ it,^

and^ you^ will.^ Cherishing^ your^ relation

ship happens^ by^ honouring^

it through^ the^ grieving^ process^ and^ le

tting the^ memories^ live^ in^ you,^

so that^ your^ life^ is^ better^ for^ having^ kn

own your^ husband.^ Ask^ your^

GP^ for^ a^ referral^ to^ a^ therapist^ to^ help

you through^ the^ early^ stages.

Write^ a^ weekly^ plan^ that^ gives^ you^

something^ to^ achieve^ each^ day^

and^ someone^ to^ meet^ and^ connect^ wi

th – as^ well^ as^ the^ space^ and^

time^ for^ yourself^ with^ your^ husband’s

memory.^ Create^ a^ space^ in^ your^

home^ for^ a^ photo,^ a^ candle^ and^ a^ spec

ial item^ so^ that^ each^ morning^ you^

dedicate^10 minutes^ to^ connecting^ wi

th his^ memory^ before^ taking^ a^

deep^ breath^ and^ letting^ go.^ Do^ the^ sam

e at the^ end^ of^ the^ day.^ Talk^ to^

your^ husband^ about^ what’s^ gone^ on^ a

nd allow^ yourself^ to^ be^ happy.^ It’s^

not^ a^ betrayal^ of^ your^ relationship^ for

you to^ be^ alive^ and^ want^

to be^ happy^ –^ in^ fact,^ it^ honours^ it.

O Got a problem you’d like Mandy to answer?

Email her at [email protected].

Therapist Mandy Saligari, from Channel

5 show In Therapy, is an addiction,

parenting and relationship expert.

On the

couch

with

Mandy...

M

and

y^ x

See mandysaligari.com

SCARED OF MY MAN

LOST^ IN^ GRIEF