GREASY FOOD
When I fi rst started drinking,
a friend’s father suggested we
should eat burgers and chips
the day after a party. His logic
was that the oil would “soak
up” any remaining alcohol in
our system. Now, I’m not a
medical expert, but surely 12
hours later the pre-mix mango
and vodka syrup would be out
of the stomach itself, and if
not, wouldn’t the oily potato
simply sit on top of everything,
creating some sort of horrible
toxic souffl é? The Dietitians
Association of Australia refused
to accept my hand-scrawled
requests for confi rmation,
so I tested it out myself. One
burger the size of my head,
one side of chips the size of
two heads (they were generous
servings), and a small vat
of tomato sauce, please. I
could feel my serotonin levels
spiking after just one bite. Did
my friend’s dad have a point?
How was I managing to eat all
those chips? Regardless of the
science, greasy food works. DF
HAIRY LEMON
I didn’t know Hairy Lemon
still existed. I thought it
disappeared in the ’90s,
along with guarana,
Berocca, No-Doz and two-
for-one pots of VB at the
pub on a Thursday night.
I bought the effervescent
tablets as though they were
a bottle of lube or laxatives- furtively, nervously, and
defi nitely hidden in a paper
bag. Maybe I thought I was
too good for it or something,
but I wasn’t too good for
anything after a bottle of
red wine and no dinner the
night before. The lemon
volcano in my glass made
my saliva glands work
overtime, the way they do
before you vomit. I can’t
say drinking it was much
better, either. Was I on the
mend? Probably not. But I
managed to sweep the fl oor
and change the sheets,
which is no small feat on
a sober day, let alone a
hungover one. CC
BLACK COFFEE
I’d like to start with a sincere
apology, as this review makes
reference to a not-so-savoury
bodily function. Some call it
‘number two’; some write books
about it called Everybody Poops.
So, there it is. Hangovers in your
late 20s are more of a Day of
the Dead-style situation than a
casual headache – your whole
body screams at you, pleading
sweatily, “Why have you done
this?!” And you can only fl ail
your arms in the air, weeping
and whispering, “I do not know,”
at your blotchy, unwashed
face. Sundays are rough. You
need a purge. You need to rid
your body of any remnants of
happy hour, two-for-one shots
and mystery cocktails. Enter:
strong, black coffee. No sugar
(you don’t deserve any). Take a
sip and wait for the inevitable
bowel movement that follows.
It’s not a pleasant way to start
the day, but you’re one step
closer to ridding yourself of this
hangover. Godspeed, and again,
I’m sorry. DFwell-hung
IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE, DEIRDRE FIDGE
AND CARO COOPER TRY OUT SOME CLASSIC
HANGOVER CURES.
Illustrations Anjana Jain
PICKLES
I was a little confused
by this. Aren’t pickles a
pregnancy craving thing,
rather than a hangover
cure? With some googling,
I discovered the salt in the
juice is supposed to help
top up electrolytes in a
dehydrated, aching body.
It took a few minutes of
staring at the jar in the
morning before I felt ready- mentally and physically –
to tackle the challenge.
(If I’d had a chip butty to put
the pickles in, I would have
been more receptive to the
tart, pungent burst.) The fi rst
dill pickle was not fun, but by
the time I fi nished my third
I was getting into it... until I
took a sip of the juice from
the jar. Cue my pickle crash - I’d overdone it. The sight
of the container suddenly
made me queasy. I rinsed my
mouth out and headed back
to bed, the image of laughing
green pickles dancing in
my head. CC
road test