Frankie

I once had a ‘psychic’ tell me success would come once I’d
popped out a few babies. “Spirit wants you to have it all,” she
told me brightly, while I shrank back into my seat. “There are
three souls waiting for you.”

Three? I mean, fuck. I have severe doubts about psychics in
general, especially the ones who channel invisible guides, but
lady,read the room. I chose not to dim her enthusiasm by telling
her that, while I think rugrats are cute, I wasn’t even sure I wanted
a baby, let alone a minivan full of them.

Instead, I played along as she continued to paint my future life,
and my future children’s personalities, then left with regret about
more than just my unshakeable interest in the mystical forces of
life. Something deeper collapsed inside of me. I reflected on how
women are spoken to when they’re feeling adrift – the questions
are always around what’s missing; how to get all of it andbe happy.
I thought of how often people query me about when I’m having
children, because – wink, wink – it’s not too late. Then I wondered if
we’ll ever do away with the idea that a) all women want kids; b) any
human being can ‘have it all’, even if they do want kids; and c) ‘having
it all’ is actually an appealing concept.

I’ve had my share of internal conflict about not ticking all the

boxes. I married relatively late, and outside my heritage. I don’t

have a vision board for my ideal property. And I just don’t feel

100 per cent sure about having children of my own. But years of

experience has led me to this point, and to ask: who the fuck wants

it all? The very thought exhausts me. The essence of it seems

unnatural, like having Vegemite without butter.

For me, it counts as a good day if I manage to haul my butt out

of bed early enough to catch a gym class and temporarily pretend

to be a morning person. A day that begins like that is a day I’m

#winning – if it doesn’t end with a mind full of what-ifs and

worries and regrets, then I’ve successfully managed a semblance

of inner peace. And you know the kinds who not only pulse with

the fervent desire to ‘have it all’, but apparently, somehow, seem

to manage it? Well, there’s probably so much behind-the-scenes

wizardry going on that that person should be nominated for

an Oscar.

We’re conditioned to think there’s something wrong with us if

our lives don’t match up to those around us. As a result, we’re

collectively obsessed with the myth that people should ‘have it all’

to feel complete, and wake up every day without a care in the world.

But what if the little things were really the big ones? And having

enough in a meaningful way is actually better than having it all?

As someone in what could be considered their mid-life years, I’m

navigating more and more with each passing day, yet all I have

is a desire to simplify. To cut away the roots and stop watering

the weeds. I want a garden, but it doesn’t have to be the biggest

one on the block. I’d like to travel, but it doesn’t have to be my

#bestlife (though I am of course #grateful that I can do it at all).

I need to be there for my ageing parents, and continue to nurture

my creative goals. And I need to accept that while I could have

done many things differently when I was younger, I didn’t follow

the template.

I don’t have it all, but I have plenty, and that suits me just fine.

less is more

AMAL AWAD CALLS BULLSHIT

ON THE IDEA OF HAVING IT ALL.

Photo

David Peto

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