LastyearTheLancetpublishedananalysisoffertilityrates
in 195 countriesoveralmost 70 years.Therearehigherratesin
sub-SaharanAfrica,NorthAfricaandtheMiddleEast–where
womenfindit hardertogetaneducation,andtogetaccessto
reproductive health services including contraceptives. Richer,
moreliberalcountrieshavefarlowerfertilityrates,tothepoint
wherethepopulationis shrinking– orwherethe population
wouldbeshrinkingif immigrationwasn’tproppingit up.
Womenare having childrenlater, havingfewer children,
andincreasinglyhavingnoneatall.Manyofthosewillnotbe
childlessbychoice– but an increasing number of them are.
Blissfullychildfree.
Andyet,muchofsocietychoosestoseethemassomehow
incompletewomen.Deviant,bitterandmaybeevena bitwitchy.
Barren.They’relabelledasselfish,justforexercisingtheirright
toreproductivefreedom.Thechildfreearepestered,relentlessly,
bythosetryingtofigureoutwhat’swrongwiththem.(“Whynot?”;
“HaveyoutriedIVF?”;“Didyounotmeettherightman?”;“Have
youtriedvaginalsteaming?” Andoften,“You’ll change your
mind.”)Thenthere’sthepity.(“Ooooh.Atleastyouhaveyourlittle
furbaby.”)We’retoldbecoming a mum is the most important
thinga womancando.
Surveys have foundthe childfree sufferin the workplace.
They’reseenaswomenwhohavenoreasontoleave,nothingto
gohometo.NoreasontohaveChristmasoff,ora summer break.
They’reseenaslesslikelytoneeda raise.AUK
surveyof25,000workersfoundtwo-thirdsof
childless women felt they were expected to
worklongerhours.
Even worse, published research from the
UnitedStatesfoundpeoplefeel“moraloutrage”
atotherpeople’sdecisionnottohavekids.Study
author Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, an associate
professorofpsychologyatIndianaUniversity,foundnothaving
childrenisseen“not only as atypical, or surprising, but also as
morallywrong”.
“Thiseffectwasdrivenbyfeelingsofmoraloutrage–anger,
disapproval and disgust – toward the voluntarily childfree
people,” she said.Thisjudging,thisstigma,isgobsmackinglyold-fashioned.But
maybenotthatmuchhaschangeddespitethesexualrevolution,
andthewavesoffeminism.Womenhavethefreedomnow– the
contraceptivefreedom,thefreedomofchoice.Butthatclashes
headfirstintothemythwe’vebeenfedthatwecan“haveit all”.
Womenarestillagonisingoverwhethertheycanevenhave
mostofit.They’refreneticallytryingtocrambitsoflifeinand
aroundwork,children,theDyson.Hair,makeup,yoga.To-dolists
tumblingfromeverynookandcranny,sometimeslost but always
growing.It wasmeanttobedifferentbynow.
Where are the blokes? “Babysitting”, now and then.
Networking.Atthepub. Havingawell-earnedsit-downafter
ahardweek’swork.Thesedays,it’sobligatorytoadd“notall
men”.Ofcoursenotallmen.Somemenaredoingtheirpart;
they’reco-parenting,they’redoingtheschoolpick-up,they’re
cookingandscrubbingandloving.Butmostly,they’renotdoing
anywherenearasmuchaswomen.Thisisn’tbitterbitching–it’s
statistics.TheAustralianInstituteOfFamilyStudieshascrunched
thenumbersandfoundthatmen’sworkinghoursbarelychange
whentheybecomefathers.They’respendingthesameamountof
timeatworkbeforeandafterhavingkids.Theyarespendingtime
parenting,buttheyfitit aroundwork;forthem,it’sa weekendgig.
They’renotcuttingback,they’renotbecomingprimarycarers.
They’renotaskingtoworkpart-time.They’renotofferedparental
leave,andif theyare,they’rereluctanttotakeit.Andevenif they
did,theeffectmightbeunexpected.ASpanishstudyfoundthat
menwhotookpaternityleavewentoffchildren.Theyweremore
likelytodelayhavinganother child, andtheywanted fewer
childrenafterexperiencingwhatit wasliketobea primarycarer.
Meanwhile,womenareworkingmore.Buttheyareliterallyjust
workingmore.Stilldoingmostofthedomesticduties,mostofthe
child-rearing,whilealsodoingmorepaidwork.Ourgenderroles
havenotshifted,whichiswhythestigmasaroundgenderhave
stuck.Despitedecadesofsupposedprogress,womenarestill
supposedtobebabymakersandmenarestillsupposedtobe
moneymakers.Isit anywonderthatwomenwithoutchildren–
voluntarily –canbehappier?They’renottryingtohaveit all.
PaulDolanis describedasa “happinessexpert”.
Hisfulltitleis professorofbehaviouralscienceatthe
LondonSchoolOfEconomicsAndPoliticalScience,
andherecentlywroteabookcalledHappyEver
After. Heispullingapartthemythoftheperfectlife- thatdelusionthat tickingoffaseriesof boxes
willmakepeoplehappy.Hesaysyoudon’tneed
childrentobehappy.Andthatchildrencan,infact,
makeyoumiserable.Buthisoverarchingpointisthatthereisno
happinesstobefoundinconstantlystrivingtofitanarrativethat
historyhassetupforyou.Joy,orangst,maycomefromthose
linesonapregnancytest.Butwomenneedtomakesurethat
it’sbecauseit’swhattheywant, not what society has made them
feeltheyshould want.E
ToryShepherdis the
authorofOnFreedom
($14.99,Melbourne
UniversityPress),
out now“The CHILDFREE are
PESTERED BY THOSE
TRYING to FIGURE
out WHAT’S WRONG
WITH THEM”92
ELLE VOICE