his collectable MC Hammer doll to play the love interest.
Meanwhile,atmyfriends’houses,no-oneseemedbothered
thatallweeverplayed with were White dolls. In fact, it was
viewedasthenorm.
I wasprobablysevenyearsoldwhenIbeggedmymom
forthisnext-levelballerinadollthat I sawonacommercial.
Thisdoll couldturn outlikearealballerina, andshe came
with a pink leotard, matching leg warmers and her own
barre.Shewas in demandandoverpriced – butmymom
dutifullysearchedmultiplestoresandstoodina longlinetoget
herforme.Andyet,whenI unwrapped the gift on my birthday,
myreactionwaslukewarm.
I politelysaid,“Thankyou,Mommy,”andputthegiftaside.
“Oh,that’sallI getafterallyourmamawent through to get
youthatthing?Uh-uh.What’sthematter?”
I finallybuckled. “It’s just that – this isn’t the one from the
commercial.”
Thatwascodelanguagefor“IwantedtheWhiteone”.
OnlyasanadultinquietmomentsofreflectioncanI beginto
seeclearlythesubconsciousimpactofWhitesupremacyat
workinthemessagesallaroundus.Bycenteringandpositioning
Whitenessassuperior,Whitenessasthenorm,andeverything
else as a deviation, a racial hierarchy is reinforced. The
microaggressionsstartearlyand areas smallasthe“flesh-
coloured”Band-Aidswewerehandedinschool,whichwere
clearlydesignedforWhitepeople.BecauseBlackandbrown
dollswere never frontand centre in advertisements(if they
existedat all,they werefeatured rather inconspicuously as
somesortofoff-brandsidekick),andbecauseI livedina world
that reflected this hierarchy, I grew up with an unspoken
suspicionthatthe worldwouldseemeassecondbest,too.
The onlymagazinesI saw withBlack womenonthe cover
were Ebony and Essence – and most supermarkets didn’t
evencarrytheminthecheckoutaisle.
EvenshoppingforBlackbeautyproductsinconvenience
storeswithmymombecameanunintendedlessoninwhatit
meanstobemarginalized.Sooftenwe’dgosearchingbeyond
thewell-litgeneralmarketbeautyaisleandendupcrouching
intosomesmall,poorlylitcorner of far less favourable shelves
for“our”haircareproducts.
It wascertainlyafarcryfromtheoutrightoppressionthatmy
mother’sfamilyexperiencedintheJimCrowSouth[where state
and locallaws enforced racialsegregation],
and yet these messages were subtle but
powerfulremindersofaracistpastthathadn’t
fullybeendismantled– andofa largerAmerican
narrativeinwhichour stories are told through
theWhitegaze.
I rememberlearningaboutslaveryinschool
underespeciallyawkwardcircumstances.I was
lyingonthecoldflooroftheclassroomnexttomyclassmates,
our bodies packed tightly next to one another like sardines. Wehadbeeninstructedtoscootourdeskstotheperimeterofthe
roomasourteacherturnedoffallthelightsandbeganplaying
the [miniseries] Roots on the small television above the
Whiteboard.Theassignmentwastojustliethereimaginingit was
usontheslaveship.Welistenedtoterrifiedwomenscreaming,
babiescryingandwavescrashingagainstaverycreakyboat.
AsthesoleBlackpersonintheroom,it wasallabitalienating,
andI can’tsayit mademefeelanymoreofaconnectionwith
my ancestors’ harrowing journey to this country. I just kept
wondering whateveryoneelsewasthinking– andif theywereas
traumatizedasI wasseeingLeVarBurtonfrom
[thekids’educationalTVshow]ReadingRainbow
getting whipped like that. But it felt too
uncomfortabletoask.
Overtime,experiencesliketheseallworked
inconcerttouprootsomesenseofthepridein
myheritagethatmymotherworkedsohardto
instill. Shekeptonplotting andplantingseeds
anyway,trustingthatevenina worldthat asks little brown girls to
shrink, I would continue to bloom.E97
ElaineWelteroth’s
memoirMoreThan
Enough($35,Ebury
Press) is out nowPhotography: Getty Images; Renell Medrano
“BY POSITIONING
WHITENESS as
the NOR M, and
EVERYTHING ELSE
as a D E V I AT I O N ,
A RACIAL HIERARCHY
is REINFORCED”